Taking a look at your own part in your relationship may not be easy. It is always easier to see what your partner is doing or not. You need to become an observer. Step outside of your relationship and really take responsibility for your actions. Do you participate in potentially toxic behaviors? Which do you observe in your own actions? Check out some examples of toxic behaviors to help you with this.
Now that you have recognized the things you do, whether you do them often or just once in a while, it is time to release these behaviors. Start by thanking them.
Thanking behaviors that are toxic to my relationship, what??
Yes, they have been with you for a reason. Maybe you learned these behaviors from your parents or other role models. These behaviors may have been a way for you to protect yourself from potentially getting hurt. Whatever the reason, because there is one, see the intention in a positive light. These behaviors showed up and for a reason, and thank them for serving you for as long as they have. Maybe there was a time you needed this protection. Maybe they helped you to cope with your life and relationships.
And now release them. Let them go because they no longer serve you. You are no longer needing these behaviors in your life or relationship. You are empowering yourself to have better. To step up in your relationship in a much bigger way.
Close your eyes and visualize the toxic behaviors that you have come to own in your relationship. Give each of these behaviors a name. Now one by one, in your mind, or out loud, talk to each one. Say, “thank you ____ for serving me for so long. I no longer need your help and I am letting you go.” Now visualize yourself releasing these behaviors. You can do this in any way you want. Releasing them into the air, water, fire…whatever feels right for you.
Let in love. How can you see everything that happens in your relationship through love? Begin to look at what was once a problem now through the lense of love. What is the positive intention behind your lover’s actions? Just as you were able to see your own actions in a positive light, see your lovers in the same way. It is serving a purpose.
You do not want your lover to feel a need to protect. No…. you want the armor to come off. For your lover to be open to showing vulnerability. How do you do this? Through love.
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Communicate with Feeling
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There are three levels of a relationship. The first level is about “I.” How can I benefit. What do I want? It is about your needs coming first.
The second level is about creating fairness or trading. Each partner needs to get theirs. You go out, so I get to go out. This level of relating can easily slip down to the level one when one person feels they are not getting theirs and that things are unfair.
The third level is all about unconditional love and the other’s needs coming first. This is putting love first. I do this because I love you. There is a focus on meeting your partners needs even if your needs are not being met. This is not to say your needs are not important but the focus is not there, and you take care of your needs regularly as part of being a leader in your life.
You give love and nothing is needed in return.
So, as part of the Relationship Detox, I challenge you to love unconditionally and elevate your relationship to a level three. Focus on giving love and meeting your lovers needs for the next 90 days or whenever you are ready to step up your relationship. Give it your all and watch what blossoms from your efforts.
As you continue with your relationship detox, let me remind you to recognize and take responsibility for your part. Release the behaviors that are no longer serving you or your relationships. Allow love to guide you and focus on giving unconditionally in your relationship for the next 90 days. If you feel challenged, because there will be days you will, remind yourself why you are doing this. Seek support and guidance. This is your opportunity to step up and lead so that your relationship is stronger.