Do you wonder why relationships don’t end up working out? Why couples end on bad terms? Why one or both sides want to give up?
In order for relationships to be happy and successful, it does require that both parties feel that their needs are being met. In fact, a person may stay in a relationship even if it is not making them happy because at least one of their basic needs are being met. Add one or two other needs and it seems doable.
Doable? This does not sound good at all!
If most of a person’s needs are being met in the relationship, it is most likely the relationship will thrive and succeed. It is when needs are not being met that we see couples fighting and ready to end things, or finding ways to distract themselves from the pain/discomfort. Maybe it is making everything about the kids, working long hours, hobbies, or in some cases, an affair.
If you are meeting your partners needs and vice versa, you are going to want to be around that person. The relationship will be fulfilling. This is not the only factor, of course likability, shared interests and polarity (or enough difference), play a part, too. Since meeting needs is vital to our survival, let’s focus on meeting the needs of our partners for the survival and thriving of the relationship.
“Some think love can be measured by the amount of butterflies in their tummy. Others think love can be measured in bunches of flowers, or by using the words ‘forever.’ But love can only truly be measured by actions. It can be a small thing, such as peeling an orange for a person you love because you know they don’t like doing it.”
— Marian Keyes
Do you know your partner’s top needs? If you do, do you know specifically what she or he needs to meet those needs? This seems so basic and simple but this often gets overlooked. Maybe it is a comfort thing that we just settle into a relationship and forget to notice one another. Maybe it is an issue around prioritizing. Maybe it is a lost value.
Whatever the reason, it is important to change things today. Your relationship, if you want it to be fulfilling, can’t be pushed to the back burner. So how do you make your relationship a priority?
Start with focusing on meeting your partner’s needs. I like to use the 6 Human Needs Model developed by Tony Robbins. According to Tony, there are 4 basic human needs we must all meet and then 2 spiritual needs we each aspire to. Briefly, let’s explore these needs. As we do, think about which of these needs are most important to your partner? How about for you? On a scale of 1-10 where are you meeting these needs for your partner? At what level is your partner meeting your needs?
Certainty is the first need and this has to do with the need for security, control, seeking comfort and avoiding pain.
Uncertainty/Variety is the need for spontaneity, stimulus, or change.
Significance is the need to feel like you matter, your important and worthy of attention.
Love & Connection is the need for connection and to give and receive love.
Growth is the need to develop and expand.
Contribution is the need to give beyond yourself.
Here is an assignment for the week to really bring more to your relationship:
Make a date with your partner and ask him/her what are their top 2 needs. What would have to happen in order for that need to be met? How can you help? Get as specific as possible. You want an action that is measurable, for example, you will call me at lunch three times a week to say hello so I feel loved. If you can’t measure the behavior, keep asking questions until you get it from your partner.
This may be a challenging task for your partner so be mindful, kind and patient.
If you don’t have a partner right now, focus on your needs and what the rules are for meeting those needs. Clarity around your own needs can help you to seek out a partner that has similar top needs, and bonus…you will be well versed in knowing how to talk and ask questions to get that information from prospects.
If you are a parent, explore what the top needs of your child are. How do you meet those needs? In what ways can you meet them? Remember though, children are meant to be children, so don’t focus on how they can meet your needs. You work on meeting your needs and those of your child--that is what adult relationships are for! So, if you feel like you are leaning on your child to meet certain needs, seek out a friend, professional or a new adult relationship to help you with that.
Building your relationship up to be fulfilled and happy, can be as simple as focusing on meeting the needs of your partner. We all have a need to feel loved and that we matter. So when we feel our needs are important, we feel loved. Give to others around you by making them feel loved and meeting their needs and in return you will feel that love, because you are love.
If you are dealing with a relationship struggle and want support, reach out to me for a free consultation session. Email cari@couplesandfamiles.com
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