Explore The Secrets To Thriving Within Your Relationship

When you feel alone or frustrated in your relationship it’s natural to want to feel heard, seen, and connected. Talking about your partner to your friends or family might meet those immediate needs, but it isn’t helpful to the relationship. If you often find yourself venting to others about your partner, you may want to consider the long-term effects of this gossip and try a more positive approach. Why We Gossip (and Why We Shouldn’t) It can be hard to resist the need to overshare with your friends or close family members. Communicating is a part of human nature, and it’s a way to create bonds with one another. Communication at it’s best looks like asking questions, being curious, and learning about others. Conversely, bad-mouthing your partner, speculating on their motives, or sharing how they’ve hurt you can cause a lot more pain down the road. The immediate relief you get in the moment of sharing isn’t worth it, and it becomes a slippery slope into negativity. There are two important reasons you should avoid gossiping about your spouse, especially if you want to strengthen your relationship. The first is that gossiping doesn’t move you forward. When you rest in and share all the negative stories of what’s happening in your relationship, you keep yourself stuck there. No, you may not be able to change your partner, but you can change your part… and gossiping only contributes to the negative feelings and your victim mindset in the relationship. The second reason that you shouldn’t gossip about your partner to your friends or family is that they most likely have a greater emotional tie to you than your spouse. They want the best for you, and if you bad-mouth your partner to them, they’ll start to see your partner in a negative light. This can create awkward moments down the road, thanks to something called “triangulation.” Triangulation is a common tactic we use in relationships of all sorts to manage conflict or tension. When there is a problem between two people, a third person (or group) is pulled in to create an alignment. This then creates tension between the third party and the opposing party (in this case your spouse or partner). If you have any intention of bettering your relationship, involving others close to you and your spouse isn’t in your best interest. They can’t ever see the whole picture and will be biased in their advice. Do This Instead of Talking About Your Partner Before you head to your friends or family with your relationship issues, think about your intention first. If you are seeking support or just need someone to listen, consider talking with a professional counselor, therapist, or coach. They will be the closest thing you can get to a neutral party and can offer unbiased support. They can also help you to reflect and grow past any negative patterns you might be falling into with your partner. Another alternative to gossiping about your partner is to reflect on the situation on your own. Choose to learn what you can by asking yourself better questions. Consider what you can expand in yourself; do you need to have clearer boundaries, better self-care, or be more direct? You will learn so much more by keeping yourself open, rather than staying protected behind a wall of blame and disempowerment. Here are some questions you can ask yourself and journal on. I even give you permission to share these questions with your friends or family to help you break the gossip habit. If you bring up issues about your partner with them, have them reflect some of these questions to you: What am I (you) responsible for? What’s the big picture? What are my (your) choices? What is the other person feeling? What works or what is useful? What can I (you) learn? What is the other person needing? What’s possible? It’s normal to turn to those closest to you when your needs aren’t being met in your relationship. They are safe, supportive, and want what’s best for you, but they shouldn’t have a role in your romantic relationships. Instead of gossiping with them about your partner’s shortcomings (which is keeping you stuck in negativity), consider what you want. If the answer is a better relationship, seek guidance from a professional and/or commit to looking inward at what you can do to shift things in the direction of what you desire.

When I work with people with relationship problems, most of them want the other person to change. Ironically, even though they want to see changes happen, they’ll often argue for the reasons it won’t. All of their attention is on what’s wrong (the circumstances and the partner that puts obstacles in the way), and they defend the limitations rather than seeing the possibilities in the situation. The truth is that there are obstacles in front of them; life is full of challenges! It’s how you respond to them that matters, which is why I encourage them to stop seeing obstacles as something holding them back, and rather start to see them as opportunities to learn. Love Your Triggers Even when I’m working with couples, I tell them that most of the work is done individually. This is because you can only control yourself: your beliefs, your responses, and the effort you make to become conscious of your triggers. There’s much wisdom to gain from our relationships, and learning to love your triggers is one way to gain valuable insight. Our most primary relationship-based fear is that we aren’t enough, and are not being loved. Who else is going to trigger this the way your partner does? You may feel it to some extent with co-workers or your boss, a friend, a family member, and certainly with your children if you are a parent (which is another great area to explore for personal growth). But your partner, the person you are most vulnerable with, can cut you very deeply without even being aware of it. When your partner triggers this fear, you are going to react. Unless you learn to notice the feeling of being triggered, and can take care of yourself at that moment. If you can pause before reacting, you can choose to respond in a way that will nurture both yourself and your relationship. In this way, you are turning the obstacle of being triggered into an opportunity to learn, reflect, and be curious about why you’re feeling a certain way, and then decide consciously what to do about it. From Conflict to Curiosity When you are faced with a challenge or conflict in your relationship, learning to see the learning opportunity will expand the possibilities for what comes next. You want to be able to respond versus react to the situation because when you’re in reactive mode you'll feel trapped. Your view of the problem is limited, as are your options for how to deal with it. Alternatively, if you are conscious and keep yourself open and curious, you’ll see new opportunities to overcome the issue and even learn something new about yourself and the relationship. This means looking beyond the surface and asking questions about what is happening, why you or your partner is feeling triggered, and what you want the outcome to be. This curiosity must also extend to the relationship you have with yourself. It’s a practice of accountability and self-leadership in which you also ask empowering questions of yourself. This will help you become who you want to be, no matter what your partner (or anyone else) does. It will help you to loosen that hold on needing your partner to change, and frees up the relationship to become what it can be. While we can’t predict the outcome of a relationship, you can’t live in fear of what might be. All you can do is show up and be fully responsible for yourself and to (not for) your partner. The Power to Choose As stuck as you might feel in a situation, there are always options if you allow yourself to see them. You can choose to keep returning to the thoughts that leave you parked in feelings of anger, resentment, and hopelessness, and where nothing ever changes. Or you can train yourself to “un-park” from those thoughts. To do this, start by noticing. Observe what is happening, and take 100% accountability for yourself. Shift into a new gear, and drive yourself over to the land of possibility. Over there, you can explore your options. Ask yourself questions like, “Is there something I can learn here or let go of? What am I holding onto that is not serving me or the relationship? How can I respond in a way that feels more in alignment with who I want to be in this relationship? What can I do differently? What choices do I have? How would I like to respond based on the vision I have for us and myself?” Questions like this help you to see the many options that you have in front of you. Yes, stomping furiously away and shutting your partner out may be one of them… but is that going to help you get the relationship you want? When it comes down to it, the people I work with do want their relationships to get better. No matter how aloof we may try to be about it, our relationships matter, and when things aren’t going well it affects all areas of our lives. Learning to see the struggles as an opportunity to stretch and grow will exponentially help your relationship with your partner and yourself.

One of the hardest moments that I see when I work with couples is when one person says that they aren’t in love anymore. It can be crushing when we think that we must be “in love” to have a good relationship, and that if we aren’t, something must be wrong. The truth is that love takes many shapes and forms, and part of being IN love is remembering how to DO love. Falling Out of Love The people that tell me they’ve fallen out of love with their partner usually can’t pinpoint the exact reason. It tends to be a combination of things, like the honeymoon stage ending, getting wrapped up in day to day life, and feeling like they’re in a rut. They still LIKE their partner, but don’t feel love how they want to. This is the mistake. Love isn’t only a feeling, it’s an action, too! And we can take ourselves out of love without even noticing it. One reason we step back from love is because we feel hurt, which is bound to happen in any close relationship. We step back out of survival, to protect ourselves from any further pain. It’s an instinctual way of meeting our basic need for safety, security, and assurance. Ironically, we need to feel safe in order to feel pleasure (love), but we can’t when we are focused on surviving. The more we pull back, the further we get from our partner and the feeling of love. Survival Triggers We all have emotional triggers, based on our experiences and how we internalized them. The beliefs we create around those experiences eventually guide our decisions and actions. If you’re not getting what you want in your relationship (like feeling in love), it will help to look at what you’re doing and what’s causing this action. Is there something triggering a survival instinct? Emotional triggers are events, things, experiences, or people that cause the mind and body to react. You’ll know you’re triggered when you feel an intense emotional shift regardless of your current mood. You can be fine in one moment, but when your partner says or does something, you feel an immediate shift. It could be physical or emotional tension, anger, or even sadness. You’ve been triggered. When you’re triggered, your fight or flight stress response kicks in and you move into survival mode. I also call this “protection” mode. You put up walls to keep yourself safe and you respond from behind them. Some common triggers in relationships could be that your partner is distracted by work, is on their phone all the time, spends too much time focusing on the kids, or doesn’t touch you anymore. If you perceive your partner’s actions as negative or threatening, you’ll find yourself behind that wall. It’s a coping mechanism designed to protect you, but it’s doing nothing to protect your relationship. An Alternative to Building Walls You build walls around yourself because something has happened to you or you’ve seen something that required them. You needed them to keep you safe. In a relationship, though, the walls serve as nothing but barriers to what you desire. Love and connection require you to come out behind that wall. It’s an act of courage to surrender and welcome closeness back into your life, and one that may be scary at first. Taking this action though, is what “doing” love looks like. It’s opening the gate and letting someone in. I like the gate metaphor, because a gate allows you to have boundaries while still being open to letting someone in. You get to decide. Opening the gate to your partner is an opportunity for you to practice meeting your higher need for love and connection, versus closing off to satisfy the lower need of certainty. You don’t need to be IN love when you can DO love. Love is an action word as much as it is a feeling, and acting from love is a powerful gift to both you and your partner. Practice opening your heart, and seeing your partner from this place. Notice when you are reacting or moving back behind your walls, and do something different than what you’d normally do. How can you open the gate, rather than close it? As you keep stretching and learning and evolving, your love will become deeper and stronger, and you’ll learn to soothe your triggers with love.

Most people don’t think that they have a victim mindset, yet it frequently pops up in relationships. When you approach things from the place of a victim, you give away any power you have to change things while also distancing yourself from your partner. If you are the victim, then they must be the enemy. That’s why it’s important to learn how to identify when a victim mindset is taking hold, and replace it with more growth-minded thoughts instead. Signs of a Victim Mindset A sure sign of having fallen down the hole of victimhood is to look at your language. Do any of these phrases seem familiar to you? Why is this happening to me? Why can’t they change? Nothing I do is working. This type of language resonates with a victim mindset, and we’ve all been there. This is your ego at work, trying to protect you from both real and perceived threats. It’s there to put on your armour and defend you, but it's instinct can be harmful to intimate relationships that need vulnerability to flourish. Your ego may have even become oversensitive, and you could be unaware of the traps that have led you down the victim hole. From your ego’s point of view, when your partner triggers something inside to make you feel “unsafe”, your partner becomes the enemy and you go into survival mode. This is the place we go when we are guarded, and we become the person we think we need to be to cope with the situation. Note: This is not meant to apply to any kind of emotional, physical, verbal, or sexual abuse. I’m speaking to the more common “threats” one feels in a relationship when their partner taps into our deep-rooted need to self protect. There are various styles of coping when we feel triggered by our partner’s actions or words. You may become defensive and attack them back, or justify yourself, or perhaps stonewall and disconnect from them. There are lots of ways our ego attempts to protect us! Most likely, you learned your coping style as a child when certain needs weren’t being met; you became who you needed to be in that moment to get what you needed. As an adult, you will still react in a similar way to protect yourself, and to feel loved and enough in the moment. An Empowering Alternative Our instincts run deep and have the best of intentions, but allowing yourself to be a victim in the situation doesn’t solve anything. Your ego may be happy that you are “safe”, but are you happy feeling disconnected and at odds with your partner? What if you changed the story around who your partner is, what is happening, and what you have the power to do? You have the ability to change what you tell yourself, which then opens you up to a myriad of constructive responses (rather than your ego’s reactions). The first step is to notice when you are triggered. Notice the “zap” and when the feeling to self-protect rolls in. This information is important! Turn your usual self-protecting reaction as alarm to signal that your needs are not being met. When the alarm sounds, use the moment as an opportunity to stretch. Ask yourself, “why is this happening for me?” What is this moment calling me to do, and how can I show up in a more thoughtful, evolved version of myself? Yes, this will be difficult at first. You won’t catch yourself every time, and you’ll need to stretch. But the alternative is to fall into that victim mindset hole again. It’s a disempowering place to be, and it will soon be much easier to catch yourself before you fall in. Tips to Avoid Falling into a Victim Mindset If you’ve been stuck playing victim for awhile, it will take some effort to climb out of the hole, but you can do it. Here are some ways you can start to catch yourself before you fall, and what to do instead of letting your ego take control. Become aware of your triggers, and pause when you hear the “alarm” of your coping method (ie. anger, withdrawal, justification). Ask a supportive friend to call you out on your excuses, such as: Nothing works. I don’t have time. I don’t have energy. I’m afraid. Nothing I do works. I’ll just create conflict. Learn the difference between responding and reacting, and practice staying open, not guarded. Ask yourself better questions surrounding the situation, like: What can I learn from this? What boundaries do I need to set for myself? Where can I step out of my comfort zone? Once you allow yourself to step out of the victim mindset, you will have a myriad of options in front of you. You can change your reaction, set boundaries, ask for what you need, and begin creating the relationship you want - rather than letting one you don’t want just happen to you.

When you are trying to make changes in yourself or in your relationship, it can be frustrating when things don’t work as planned. You put yourself out there, try something new, and it’s a flop. After a while, the tiredness sets in again, and you want to throw in the towel. What’s the point in trying if everything is stacked against you, right? Well… Maybe. But before you fall back into a spiral of despair, I have a lifeline to throw you. What if you changed the questions you are asking yourself, and it changed everything? Why You Feel Stuck We subconsciously talk to ourselves all day, every day, yet hardly notice what we are telling ourselves. When things are going well, this may not be such a big deal; but when things are going wrong, these thoughts can easily keep us stuck. For example, when you are trying your hardest to not jump into arguments with your partner, but again find yourself bickering over the same old things, it’s easy to be frustrated. You are disappointed in yourself, feel like a failure, and start thinking about all the reasons your efforts didn’t work out. “Why is this happening to me, when I want something so different?” you may ask yourself. Aha! Did you catch that? Your subconscious is looking for the easy way out, and has you asking why things are happening to you. You’ve put yourself in a passive spot, lacking control, and it’s sure to drag you back into the muck. This passive, subconscious reaction means to protect you - “it’s not my fault!” - and it’s a heck of a lot easier than the alternative (rational perspective in the moment). Sure, you can keep getting up as the voices keep pulling you down, but it takes a lot of persistence and work. It’s exhausting. And if you are tired of being tired, I have a new response for you to try. Ask Yourself Better Questions Language is so important, even when we are talking to ourselves. Our natural instinct is to react - and I want you to slow down, be aware, and learn to respond. It takes practice to slow down and notice what is happening in the moment and in your mind, and to give yourself space to respond with thought. But by slowing down and becoming present in the moment, you open yourself up to an opportunity to learn. The next time you find yourself spiraling into thoughts like, “why is this happening to me?”, try to catch yourself, and replace this with questions like: Why is this happening for me? What is this moment teaching me? What am I being asked to notice? What am I about to learn? These types of questions give you a window - instead of a wall - so you can see the potential in the situation. They are helping you develop a learner’s mindset so you can be able to learn something new. Step Outside the Comfort Zone You can use these questions as you come across challenges or conflicts in your relationships, and use them as an opportunity to stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone. It’s in this place of uncertainty that you’ll learn something new, like how to solve the problem you are facing, but you need to be willing to get uncomfortable. Of course this is hard when you already feel vulnerable, perhaps as a result of your partner’s distance or attacks. But this need to protect yourself can bypass the reasonable part of your brain that is able to see multiple perspectives. The questions above can help you slow down and guide you to more than your usual answers. Isn’t it better to feel slightly uncomfortable, and find yourself surrounded by new insight and creative answers, then to stay stuck in a painful (and equally uncomfortable) place? At the moment, I’m asking you to focus more on the process than the outcome, which is very counterintuitive for our culture. But what if you valued learning as much as achieving? Yes, you have the end goal of a harmonious and happy relationship, but you must find the way there first. You are being called to bring both process and outcome into balance, and to find beauty along the way. Celebrate the Process The next time you feel defeated in your efforts and want to give up, challenge yourself to explore the feedback. Notice what you've learned or what you can celebrate! Did you take a vulnerable risk in the moment? Did you and your partner talk more, or solve an issue in a new way? Do you feel more confident? Celebrate your accomplishments along the way and keep learning from the process. Look objectively at what works, what doesn't, and what may need to happen next as you ride these waves of change. Time and your relationship will keep moving forward, and how you speak to yourself affects the course they will take.

Immature vs. Mature Love Most couples experience a honeymoon stage in the beginning of their relationship. When you first get together with your partner, everything is new and exciting. You are both curious about each other, you make time to be together, and you look forward to when you will see them next. After a few years, though, the newness is bound to fade. So, what happens when the honeymoon stage ends? Immature Love After the honeymoon feelings wane, most couples move into an immature love stage. Disappointed that the “honeymoon” is over, they become disillusioned with the relationship they thought they had or who they thought their partner was. Their expectations aren’t being met, and they feel a shift. A lot of couples come to me during this time, and their stories are all very similar - so don’t feel alone in your situation! Some things I often hear are: My partner doesn’t do things the way I like I wish my partner talked to me more I want my partner to do XYZ with me I wish my partner was more like me about ABC If you look closely, all of these desires are one person wanting the other to be more like them, or the person they want them to be. They aren’t seeing the other person for who they really are. It’s this need to fuse together, rather than stay separate, that stops the relationship from growing. If you let go or surrender, then you feel that you have given in or in some way lost control of the relationship. This threatening state triggers you to either shut down or fight - neither of which allows you to get your needs met. Read More: Validation Doesn’t Mean Agreement When you close down or fight with your partner about things like this, you send the message that they aren’t enough - and yes, they are going to feel it! This may not be your intention, or maybe you are so sick and tired of the status quo that you don’t care how your partner feels as long as they change. Either way, be prepared to experience your partner’s protective or defensive reaction to you. If they feel like they aren’t enough no matter what they do, then they are sure to put their protective armor on. In return, your natural reaction will be to put on your own armor. And there it is: a cycle where you both feel like you are getting nowhere, and instead feel more hurt and disconnected each time you go around. All of this is a self-fulfilling prophecy wherein you believe that you need to continue to protect yourself. Moving Into a Mature Love This behavior pattern is deeply ingrained in our fight or flight response, and has been perpetuated by practices we’ve learned along the way. These practices have been passed down, learned from socialization and patriarchal or other cultural “norms”. Neither you or your partner were taught to relate any differently, but you can learn. And if you want to experience a deeper, closer, love, you need to decide to make a change. At any moment you can decide that you no longer want to participate in this cycle and surrender your weapons. The shift from immature to mature love begins by surrendering and staying open to love in that moment. This means seeing the situation as it is, noticing what is happening right now, and asking yourself, “What am I being asked to do in response that’s in alignment with the person I want to be and the relationship that I want to have?” It requires a certain amount of vulnerability to keep yourself open and not in a defensive state; but noticing an opportunity to stretch yourself beyond what you typically do is a sign of maturing. It is an evolution of yourself and the relationship. Practicing something different, like not reacting in your predictable fashion, can feel scary. When you don’t know what is going to happen next, it can make you uneasy. I want you to consider the consequences of not doing anything new. If you keep doing the same thing with your partner yet expecting different results, then you are resting in that immature love. Instead, practice staying open and surrendering your weapons. This takes confidence to trust yourself to handle whatever comes next, and it will get easier with practice. When you learn to speak your truth and stay firm in your boundaries, you will get closer to the mature love that you desire. Change What Your Love Looks Like You have the power to decide what your love looks like when the honeymoon stage ends. When you increase your awareness of what’s happening between the two of you and what your part is, you get more options on how you want to respond. You are in control of your part, and thus you can change the whole dynamic between the two of you. This is so empowering! You aren’t stuck, after all. Learn to accept your differences, appreciate the moment, and look for opportunities to grow. This is mature love.

Most couples that come to see me are in a state of blame. They’re focused on what the other person is doing or isn’t doing that’s creating disharmony in their relationship. Since we are all human, this makes perfect sense. We’re all susceptible to falling into the trap of blame if we’re not paying attention. Unfortunately, blaming others puts you in the position of the victim, where you feel that you have no control over your circumstances. This takes away your power to create change in the relationship, which is what couples come to me for. My advice? It’s time to make the choice to stop blaming your partner. You Can Always Choose Every day you are faced with hundreds of choices and you assess the potential consequences and advantages with each, whether you are conscious of it or not. The choice between eating in or going out is a lot easier than, say, choosing to leave your marriage. Even not taking action is a decision you must make! Here is the thing about making choices: the more you do it, the more you will build your confidence - even in your relationship. When you hem and haw around a decision, it creates stress. The fear and discomfort of the unknown increase, and having to make a choice from this place doesn’t feel good. This is when we may start to blame others, and insist that they must change instead. I want to encourage you to make the decision to stop blaming your partner and to step up in your relationship, even if your partner is not. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but you also don’t have to lower your standards in what you want from your partnership. This is called taking accountability. Be Accountable to Yourself and Your Relationship It takes two to tango, and this relationship dance is made up of both partners making moves that influence that of the other. It’s how the relationship system functions to maintain the status quo. So when things start to go wrong and you aren’t connecting with one another, you can get entangled in emotions. These emotions can trigger old, habitual reactions of self-protection and your instinct is to put on your armor. The more the two of you go round and round like this, the tighter the armor becomes. It becomes impossible to be vulnerable with armor on. When this happens, you can make the decision to keep doing more of the same, or you can decide to be accountable to yourself and the relationship. This requires you to raise your standards and decide how you want the relationship to be. What qualities do you desire more of? Some examples could be honesty, love, trust, communication, respect, vulnerability, support, and compassion. Create the vision of where you want to go, then move forward and empower yourself to get there. Rebuild Your Personal Agency Establishing a stronger personal agency will empower you to move toward your desired future (relationally and personally). Take back your power by recognizing when you are falling into the trap of blame, victimhood, resentment and frustration. Feel empowered by the knowledge that you have choices and power to create a better relationship. Then you can act in ways that are more aligned with the qualities you desire in yourself and your relationship. Since that may sound easier said than done, here are some tips to help you rebuild your personal agency. Clarify your boundaries. Spend time thinking about what you are or are not willing to tolerate in your life. This includes the thoughts you have about yourself, your life, and your relationship. It also includes how much you tolerate not getting your needs met, or putting others’ needs ahead of your own (or that of the relationship). When you aren’t clear on your boundaries, you lose yourself and your sense of agency. Others around you don’t see your limits because they aren’t clear. So, make them clearer. As a result, others know what to expect and you get to show up empowered and accountable. Assess your narrative. Have a look at the stories you tell yourself that are creating walls, closing you off, and keeping you stuck. Start by writing down the thoughts and beliefs you have about your partner. Is this creating a wall between you? How could you stretch or grow to stay open, versus guarded? What boundaries might you need to clarify? My FREE Limiting Beliefs Worksheet can help support you through this process. Stay open to learning. Once you step into criticism or judgement you close the door to growth. By adopting a learner mindset, you can move through challenging moments and be less likely to fall into old traps with your partner. This is how you get to be responsible for yourself and to others; you learn to listen, get curious and see things from multiple perspectives. As your view expands, so do your choices. Advocate for yourself. Being responsible to others does not mean being all things to them. Rather, you need to show up and become who you have the potential to be, based on the life and relationship you desire. In order to have the relationship you desire, you need to look at the very qualities you envision for the relationship, and live in alignment with that. If you want more vulnerability from your partner, are you creating a space for them to show up vulnerably? Do you show up and be vulnerable yourself? What you do matters, and you can initiate change. First, stop blaming your partner, and then step into who you need to be to create the relationship you want. Start with yourself, strengthen your personal agency and do your part no matter what. You deserve it!

Do you feel like you and your partner must come to an agreement in order to resolve an issue? Perhaps you’re feeling frustrated at how different the two of you are. I see couples all the time who think that their differences are why they’re having problems (when in fact, it’s most likely their differences that attracted them to each other in the first place). Being unable to agree, or being very different from your partner isn’t the problem. Rather, it’s an issue of wanting to be seen, heard, and have our feelings validated; but validation doesn’t always mean being in agreement. When You Need to Be Right It’s common for a couple to come see me with each holding tightly to the belief that they need to be right in a situation. Like all humans, they both deeply want to be understood. Yet they are mistaking that need as having to be seen as right. They come in, arms crossed, with the idea that “this is how I see things, and my way is right.” On one hand, they are correct. They are right in how they feel. Our feelings belong to us, but they are also fleeting and can change based on our thoughts. When you change your thoughts, you can change your feelings, and ultimately change your behavior. But when in conflict, the last thing most people want to hear is “you can change”; rather, they want their partner to see that they are the ones who need to change. Holding on to the idea that the other person is the problem and needs to change, though, is destined to harm the relationship. Connie & John The perfect example of this common problem can be seen in the couple Connie and John. In the beginning, Connie was attracted to John’s independence and confidence, something she wished she had more of herself. But over their twenty years of marriage, she became resentful of his independence, feeling that he was distant and didn’t make her a priority. From John’s point of view, he didn’t feel that he needed to share every little thing that was going on, and felt confidence in his ability to manage things. This hurt Connie, who wanted to feel more connected to him. She experienced his independence as a distance between them, leaving her feeling unimportant. John denied being distant, and that of course she mattered to him. Still, Connie would try to get him to talk more with her, and again, he wouldn’t have much to say. She would get angry, and tell him he lacked emotions and needed to learn to talk about his feelings. John would get frustrated and pull further away, confirming Connie’s original thoughts. And when he would try to talk about things with her, it would often lead to an argument. This confirmed John’s perspective that it was better to keep things to himself. They found themselves in a negative cycle, each playing a role in maintaining this “dance” between them, and both needing to be right. No Room to Grow When you are emotionally close to the problem, it can be difficult to see things from another perspective. If you’re hurt, your brain is going to warn you of a potentially threatening situation, and your stress response (fight or flight) kicks in. This ignites your need to protect yourself. Imagine yourself cloaked in armor with weapons in hand, ready to fight. Your partner sees this stance as an invitation to battle, which triggers their own fight or flight response. Both partners are ready to fight to the death. It sounds awful, and if you’ve ever been in a situation like Connie and John’s, you know that it feels awful. It’s exhausting to be in a power struggle with your partner, battling over who is right or who’s way of doing things is better. There is no room for growth, and the resistance is palpable. The question is, how do you break free from this reactionary desire to feel validated? Consider this: what if validation didn’t mean you had to agree? It’s Okay Not to Agree The truth is that you may never agree with someone who isn’t you. We all come from different backgrounds, have unique beliefs, views, opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Also true is that we don’t have to agree with the other person to see their perspective. And that is what validation is; recognizing and affirming that the other person’s feelings or opinions are worthwhile. In the case of Connie and John, that’s all that both of them wanted. They wanted their point of view acknowledged. If you don’t validate the other person, it sends a message to that person that they aren’t worthy of an opinion, or that their feelings don’t matter. This is sure to draw them into a protective reaction, and you’ll most likely work to defend yourself, becoming stuck again in a negative cycle of relating. How to Validate Your Partner’s Feelings We all have a need to feel loved, seen, and heard; so when we are not, it cuts deep and we understandably go into protection mode. Even though this mode serves us by protecting us from a potential threat, survival is the opposite of thriving. Survival mode doesn’t support the growth of a close, deepening relationship, nor growth of yourself. In order to grow, you must be willing to be courageous and show vulnerability. Leaning into vulnerability is a great catalyst for growth, and becoming more open to seeing your partner’s perspective is a great place to start. You are opening something up, rather than closing yourself off. I want to invite you to be more open around conflict. Instead of needing to be right and demanding to be seen and heard, start by seeing and hearing your partner. You don’t have to agree with anything. Instead, see the situation through your partner’s eyes, listen to their words, and hear how they feel. Validate them by letting them know their point of view makes sense. For John and Connie, John might say “I understand how you would feel alone when I walk away from our conversations.” He is taking accountability for walking away and acknowledging how that feels for Connie, without explaining his actions. He isn’t seeking to be “right”, nor agreeing with Connie that he is “wrong”. She will feel heard and valued, which goes a long way in creating a happier relationship. This works both ways, of course, and preferably Connie would then validate John’s perspective. Still, even if only one partner is making the effort at first, there will be benefits to healing and strengthening the relationship. And over time, through modelling validation and seeing the fight or flight response lessening, the other partner will ideally come on board. Creating a deep and connected relationship takes vulnerability and some work, and learning to validate each other is one piece of the puzzle.

Apologizing is a vulnerable act and vulnerability can be hard. As such, we often avoid it to keep ourselves protected; unfortunately, this “protection” can act like a wall around your relationship. It effectively prevents the two of you from connecting and growing together. I want to invite you to see apologizing as a bridge between what divides you, and as an opening for connection. Learning the art of an apology will help repair your relationship, and serves as a gift to everyone involved. Create Intimacy With an Apology If you desire a close, intimate relationship, vulnerability is required. Yes, it takes practice to open up to something bigger, and to surrender and let love flow in and out - but it is worth it. When a partner has been hurt by the actions of the other, it serves as a wound. It triggers the hurt person into survival territory, and we can’t maintain intimacy while in a survival state. Thus, it is up to the person who has done wrong to repair the hurt, so that the relationship can be repaired and thrive. If you’ve hurt your partner but not apologized for your wrongdoing, or only given a poor apology because you are also hurting, you are only holding on to your own state of survival, and will invite more of the same from your partner. You are choosing to survive, rather than thrive, and your actions will determine what happens next in your relationship. To learn more about vulnerability, I highly recommend you read or listen to anything by Brené Brown, an expert on the topic. In her interview with Harriet Lerner, Relationship Expert and author of Why Won’t You Apologize?, the two walk through the parts of an effective apology. By sharing examples of what a good apology does or doesn't look like, they show how a good apology is necessary for a relationship to thrive, while a bad apology or none at all can actually do more harm. The 9 Ingredients of an Effective Apology To support you as you learn the art of an apology, I have outlined the ingredients of one based on Lerner’s book. An effective apology: 1. Does not include the word “but.” This is the easiest to remember, says Lerner, because we do it so often. “I’m sorry I was late, but traffic was terrible.” Or, “I’m sorry, but I didn’t mean it.” Any time you add the word “but” to the sentence, you cancel out what you said prior, and thus the apology itself. 2. Keeps the focus on your actions, not the other person’s response. The apology shouldn’t include reference to the others' actions. For example, saying “I’m sorry you were hurt” focuses on how the other person feels, but not your part. An example of an effective apology is “I’m sorry I overreacted,” or “I’m sorry for saying that about you, it was wrong of me.” Taking responsibility for your actions is critical. 3. Includes an offer of reparation that fits the situation. In situations where you have damaged, taken, or lost something that belonged to someone else, it makes sense to replace that thing. But when it comes to relationships, restitution may look like specific actions that demonstrate your remorse and your commitment to repair things. In cases of betrayals around infidelity or lying, it may look like, “I’m sorry for being late. I know this worries you, so I’ll call you whenever I know I will be late from now on.” 4. Does not go overboard. There is beauty in simplicity, and this also applies to an apology. Simply saying “I’m sorry,” and what you’re sorry for (owning your actions) is enough. When you profusely apologize, (I’m so sorry, I’ll never do it again, let me make it up to you!), it only serves to anger the person who is hurting, and makes them feel less seen and heard. 5. Doesn’t get caught up in who’s more to blame or who started it. Apologize for your part even if the other person can’t see theirs. It can be easy to get caught up in whose fault things are and place blame. Getting into the blame game only invites a power struggle, and the survival state you want to avoid. Rather, stepping into your best self will help both you and the relationship grow. A simple “I’m sorry I lied to you” is a lot better than “I’m sorry I lied, but I knew you would overreact like always.” 6. Requires that you do your best to avoid a repeat performance. An apology loses its power when the behavior it’s making up for keeps happening. Lerner points out that “An endless, meaningless string of apologies signals a failure to change one’s own behavior.” Offer your apology and then show up. Be conscious of your hurtful actions and do your best not to do it again. 7. Should not serve to silence others. Knowing that you’ve done something to hurt someone is uncomfortable. You might feel bad or ashamed, but saying sorry just to avoid talking about it anymore isn’t a true apology. The intention behind the apology matters. If your intention is to repair your relationship, it brings honor to the hurt person's experience. An ineffective apology may sound like: “I said I was sorry, what else do you want me to do?” Or “Why can’t you just let it go and move on?” Instead of a true apology, these are efforts to silence the communication and is a recipe for further hurt and disconnection. 8. Shouldn’t be offered if it risks making the hurt party feel worse. Again, the intention of a true apology should be about repair. It should serve only to soothe and calm the hurt person. 9. Doesn’t ask anything from the hurt party, not even forgiveness. Offer an apology because you are apologetic for your actions, nothing more. If it’s used as a bargaining tool, it will cut off the other person's process and time that’s needed for them to settle and decide what they need. An effective apology isn’t meant to end the conversation, but rather as a way to bring the intensity down so that further conversation can flow. Practicing the art of an apology can create a platform for self-esteem and self-respect. If you drop into shame and don’t apologize, you miss out on the opportunity for your own growth, and the growth of your relationship.When you offer an apology, start with the intention of a true apology, keep it simple, take accountability, and don’t ask for anything in return, even if you want an apology yourself. If that’s the case, bring it up at a later time; the moment isn’t about you. It’s about closing the gap between the two of you through repair and reconnection.

Has something happened to you where you feel you deserve an apology? Or maybe you’ve done something that was hurtful and requires you to apologize. A good apology is almost an art, which makes it easy to do ineffectively; for example, if it lacks empathy or the apologized-for behavior continues. On the other hand, an apology with the right elements can be healing, and comes with several gifts attached to it. Apologies Matter We’ve all been hurt by someone close to us, maybe even betrayed. And when that person doesn’t apologize, or says “sorry” only to relieve themselves of discomfort or to silence you, it can leave a wound open and unhealed. In a love relationship, this can have a lasting effect on the intimacy of the couple. “If only our passion to understand others were as great as our passion to be understood. Were this so, all our apologies would be truly meaningful and healing.” -Harriet Lerner If only we were all skilled in the art of the apology. If this were the case, we could heal our relationships, take responsibility for our wrongdoings and be accountable (being responsible for ourselves and to others). Learning to apologize with thought and empathy is a gift that you can give to another person and to yourself. Why Apologies Can Be Difficult The reasons for an apology are usually surrounded by emotional intensity, which is what makes apologizing so difficult. When we are hurt by someone, the emotions that flow can overwhelm the situation if neither are equipped to manage them. When the emotional intensity is high, our stress response is triggered and the fight-flight-freeze reaction kicks in to protect us. This is our survival state. A relationship can’t grow when it’s surviving, so if you attempt to have a conversation (or elicit an apology) while you’re both in this state, it’s sure to go down the wrong path. The time for growth is when a relationship is thriving, which takes a certain amount of vulnerability. That’s why it’s important to learn how to hold space (or a container) for emotional times. This allows you to move through the emotions, especially hurt or betrayal. Even though apologizing can make you feel vulnerable, it’s critical to repairing the hurt. If you’re feeling stuck around an issue, consider if you’ve taken accountability for how you may have hurt the other person. An apology can be a healing gift for you both. The Three Gifts of an Apology Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., relationship expert and author of Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts, talks about three gifts that an apology offers: Gift #1: Apologizing is a gift to the person that we hurt. It helps them to be seen and heard. It validates their feelings, and helps soothe and calms them so resentment can melt away. An apology can release them from bitterness, anger, and blame that they may hold onto. Finally, an apology helps the hurt person to feel safe and comfortable in the relationship again. They know that their anger and pain affect us and that there’s remorse. Gift #2: When you apologize, you give a gift to yourself. When you can see yourself objectively, you grow in maturity and self-worth; and you take responsibility for yourself, your self-esteem and self-respect grow. Gift #3: The relationship will be strengthened by an apology. The vulnerability required to apologize increases the intimacy in the relationship, and creates an opportunity for both partners to grow. When there’s been a conflict or someone has been hurt, an apology will help you stay connected to your partner. Alternatively, giving a bad apology - or none at all - will create more suffering and weaken the relationship. In order to care for your relationship, and create the opportunity for healing and growth, give the gift of apology. Next week, I’ll share how to make a heartfelt apology to repair the damage that has been done.

In the search for greater love, connection, and happiness with your partner, wouldn’t it be amazing if there were a set of rules for a better relationship that you could just follow? Unfortunately, we all come from different places and have unique outlooks on the world, so it’s not quite that simple. There is one thing, however, that will set you on the path to creating the relationship and life that you are longing for: you must first decide that you want to change. Change Begins With You No matter what your partner is doing, or anyone else for that matter, you have the power to change your part. You can change your perception, reaction (or non-reaction), your words, and more. We all have far more power over our lives than we think. If you are consistently doing the same thing with your partner and getting the same results, then it’s time to change what you do. And once you decide that the way you’ve been living is not a reflection of who you want to be (or how you want to live), then you can become the change. Yes, changing to become the person you want to be will take some shifting. Most of us didn’t grow up in a time where being relational was valued, and many didn’t have parents or role models to demonstrate the dynamics of a healthy relationship. That can mean a relationship with others or yourself. Further, as a child, you learned to protect yourself when certain needs weren’t met, or when you were afraid or vulnerable. This has all shaped your life until this point. It’s time to do some inner work to create the life you want. I like to view this opportunity as a gift; once you decide to change, you can! Not everyone is willing to challenge their beliefs or step out of their comfort zone with themselves and their relationships. During this time, your partner can serve as a mirror, showing you areas that need visiting. Look at the patterns between the two of you that keep showing up. If they’re causing you or your partner pain, it’s a chance to change things. There may not be step-by-step rules for a better relationship, but there are certain principles that will help you let go of your old ways. How to Welcome Change Into Your Relationship Commit to learning from your mistakes. We all make mistakes in our relationships, where you reacted instead of responding, or pulled away during a tense moment. Rather than looking back on things you wish you’d done differently with shame, frustration, and anger, commit to learning from the experiences. See challenges as an opportunity to learn, get feedback, and grow. Separate yourself from your behaviors. Just because you or your partner did something in the past doesn’t mean that it defines your relationship. We act in certain ways based on our internal model of the world and the rules we think we should live by; but this isn’t the only reality. Our actions can be a mask or shield to protect us from vulnerability. You are more than your behaviors, and so is your partner. Here’s an example: you’re feeling super-motivated to get the house clean and organized, and are running around accomplishing things from your to-do list. All the while, your partner is resting on the couch. Are they “lazy”? From your perspective, it could seem like that. But perhaps they worked a ten hour shift, are under the weather, or they are being lazy at the moment. Whatever the reason, this behavior doesn’t make them a lazy person. Labels like this are restricting, and don’t allow us to see the whole person, nor the whole story. You get more of what you do most often. Think about what you do consistently in your life, and the results you are getting. If you’re always thinking negatively about your partner or relationship, or telling yourself and others a negative story, you’ll get negativity back. On the contrary, if you can train yourself to see things through a lens of gratitude and compassion, you will get more love and connection in return. This isn’t about being a Pollyanna, where everything is sunshine all the time. Rather, it’s choosing how you want to feel and becoming the driver in your own life. Choose long-term results vs short-term fixes. We live in a world where instant gratification is prioritised over the suffering of waiting. Thus, when we attempt. We find the easiest band-aid and try to tape things together. Those short-term fixes are usually you doing more (or less) of something you’re already doing. For example, yelling less. This is both superficial and reversible, making it easy to fall back into old habits. When you take a long-term approach, you have the chance to change the operating rules you live by. It’ll take longer, but it will make a bigger impact because once you start the change, it becomes impossible to go back. With the yelling example, a long-term strategy could be to learn about anger management, take positive parenting classes, exercise more, or see a counsellor. These will take you out of your comfort zone and take time to implement, but will be far more effective at helping you yell less in the long run. These rules will support you as you take new action to change your relationship for the better. Take back your power and take charge by quitting negativity. Choose to focus on what creates the feelings that you desire. As you turn your thoughts and feelings into appreciation and positivity, your interactions will turn to thoughtful responses. Soon you’ll find yourself responding to your partner - and life - in ways that are in alignment with who you want to be.

When couples come in to see me, the number one complaint I hear is that they don’t communicate well. So, my first task with most couples is to teach them how to hold space for one another. The term sounds cozy, but what does it mean to “hold space”, and why is it so important? But first, we need to understand what effective communication is - and isn’t. Communication in Relationships All human beings want to be seen and heard - especially by their partner. Unfortunately for many people, they don’t (yet) have the tools to make this happen. They are relying on old, outdated patterns of relating (ie, men mustn’t show their feelings), or they’ve been hurt in the past when they tried to be open and vulnerable. Whatever the reason, the couple has a breakdown in communication, and it becomes survival of the fittest. A power struggle ensues as each holds onto their armor, protective mechanisms, and weapons. When stuck in this vicious cycle or dance, it’s hard to see the forest from the trees. Read More: Decline the Invitation: How to Step Out of Relationship Conflicts On the other hand, the type of communication we actually want is the kind in which we feel heard, seen, validated and empathized with. It’s about showing up with intention and creating clear boundaries around each of you, separating one partner’s issues from the other. These pieces of conscious dialogue will open the door to connection, possibility, and growth. Holding space for your partner is the first step. Learn to Hold Space for Your Partner When you are holding space for your partner, you are essentially creating a container for their emotional state and for them to show their feelings. At the same time, you are attentive, non-reactive, engaged, and open to their point of view. It’s also a practice worth implementing if you want your relationship to improve. How to Hold Space: 3 Critical Pieces of a Conscious Dialogue Holding space means putting yourself aside for the moment, so your partner can be open with their thoughts and feelings and leave the dialogue feeling heard and understood. This doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter; you will have your own turn to be held later. Listen Fully. Practice the technique of mirroring, where you reflect back what you hear your partner saying. This allows for clarification and eliminates the trap of interpreting what they are saying based on your own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Validate. People want to be heard and understood. Show your partner that you see them, and understand their experience through their point of view. Empathize. After hearing and validating how your partner feels based on how they interpret your actions, connect with your heart to the feeling. Feelings are one word like scared, hurt, lonely, disrespected, loved, angry, frustrated, hopeful, etc. Open up, and connect to how your partner is feeling. Holding space in this way gives you the opportunity to respond more openly with love - a big difference from the reaction you might typically take when discussing a sensitive issue. Yes, sometimes things will get messy when communicating with your partner. It’s a part of life, and we can’t be perfect all of the time. But if the person who needs to be heard never gets to “be held”, they will lose trust in their partner. And without trust, the relationship is destined to break down. Read More: How to Build Trust in Your Relationship You Can Choose When the emotional intensity goes up in your relationship, you can choose to close down or open up. And yes, it’s always a choice on how we react. It may require practice to remain open through uncomfortable feelings, but rest assured that holding space without collapsing will only create a stronger foundation on which your relationship can grow. So, be the change. Instead of waiting for your partner to become a better communicator, you can choose to be the one who consciously shows up. When you feel emotions rising and you feel the need to defend, attack, justify, or explain yourself, STOP. Take a breath and choose to do something different. Be the leader and offer to see things from their perspective. Yes, pulling back and seeing things from the other person's view will feel vulnerable at first, especially when you have to let go of your defenses and trust that you are safe. Once you have indeed opened your heart, validated, and empathized with your lover, you will be more able and willing to meet their needs. As you practice holding space more often, you will decrease the emotional intensity between the two of you while also modelling what you need. You can ask for your partner to hold space for you, but if they aren’t able to (yet), still keep doing it for them. Over time, your partner will not feel as threatened and will likely start to soften and open up. Communication is Connection Breaking bad communication habits will do wonders for your relationship, and will actually help rebuild your connection. Start by learning to hold space for one another, and then get your free copy of How to Create Connections in Relationships.