Explore The Secrets To Thriving Within Your Relationship

“Nothing ever changes. I can’t talk to him anymore!” Does this sound familiar? My client, Patti, feels the same way. “I can’t be around him anymore. I avoid interacting with him so we don’t have to deal with each other or the problems,” she says, talking about her fifteen-year marriage. She believes that throughout their marriage, she and her husband keep coming up against the same issues over and over again - and nothing ever changes. Over time, resentment has built up, and she doesn’t know if she has anything left in her to keep the relationship together. She feels disconnected from her husband and is on the verge of leaving. Why Change is Hard Our knowledge and beliefs about ourselves and how relationships work have been learned from our parents, caregivers, and social and cultural messages. Without us knowing it, these “realities” are poured like concrete into the molds that support our stories. It can be very difficult to see why we behave/believe certain realities about relationships, but it’s even harder to take that perspective with a partner. No wonder that marriages, or any intimate relationship, can be challenging to navigate. A healthy relationship requires intimacy and a level of vulnerability and communication that most of us are not familiar with. When “nothing ever changes,” it can feel permanent and absolute; there is no other perspective. Patti has reached this impasse and believes the only way for things to change now is for her to leave. Though Patti says she needs change in her relationship, her behaviors aren’t creating any positive effects. Rather, they are bringing more of the same negativity to the relationship: disconnection, avoidance, and defensiveness. These are all things that move us away from each other, rather than closer together. The thought of getting closer may make you twinge. Closer? Patti doesn’t want to move closer. She is hurt, lonely, and can’t imagine moving towards the possibility of feeling more of this. It’s too risky. What if her husband ignores her? Or worse - he could hear her but do nothing in response, leaving her more wounded than before. She would end up in the same place she started, but even more hurt. You Can’t Go Back to the Past Couples tell me they want to get back what they once had. Sorry, Marty, it doesn’t work like that - you can’t go back to the past. You can only be here now and work towards a different future. Still, you can use the past to inform the present and create a plan of action for the future. The problems only begin if you get stuck in the rearview mirror. If your partner is stuck in the past, listen to them. If they keep bringing it up, it likely means that they are not feeling acknowledged. Listen to their feelings, validate them, and show empathy. It is about making the connection (and creating intimacy). Being vulnerable is hard at first; but without it, there is no intimacy. Take away the intimacy, and you are left with maybe a friendship, your roles as parents, or a joint interest. These things are good to have, but once the romantic love of earlier times wears away, what kind of love has the two of you created? Have you made your marriage a priority and put the same energy into it as you have into your career, children, hobbies, or other interests? I find that this is not often the case. Rather, these things have created distance between them, and the couple was never shown how to implement ways to come back together. Are You Willing to Change Your Approach? If the atmosphere of your relationship is not going well, you likely have been looking at your partner in an unhealthy way. You are probably thinking about all the things that frustrate you, that aren’t working, and you are feeling hopeless about how to fix it. You feel like nothing ever changes in your relationship, and you desperately want and need something to give. Patti is right about her relationship. Nothing will change, at least on his part, unless he wants to change. She can’t make him change, but she can change her part in their dynamic. The bigger question at stake here is whether she wants to change. Sure, she can leave her husband; that will create a whole lot of change! As her coach, it’s not for me to judge or tell her what the best solution is for her relationship. I do, however, believe it’s my job to help her sort out what she really wants. I do this by asking questions to expand her possibilities. Are you willing to change your approach to the relationship? Breaking the Cycle Patti may not be willing to do something different and be done with her relationship. After all, she believes she has tried - and I believe her! But what about after those attempts? I wonder what she’s done in response to her husband’s actions (or inactions). Does she crumble and go back to her limiting beliefs about her husband and the breakdown of her marriage? This is the part we often miss when we get swept up in the emotional current in our relationships. We easily get stuck in the old dynamic and patterns and end doing more of the same. In Patti’s case, she retreats back to her thoughts: “Nothing ever changes. I can’t talk to him anymore. I don’t want to deal with the same issues again and again.” And so the cycle continues until they decide to separate or the pattern is broken. One way to create change in this back-and-forth pattern is by asking questions. The question, “are you willing to change your own approach” can be hard to answer, and more questions may help you see the bigger picture (and more possibility). Questions to Ask When “Nothing Ever Changes” When you feel stuck in “more of the same” in your relationship, ask yourself some of the following questions. They will help you see your relationship from a different point of view, and give you tools to work within creating the change you desire. When I feel hurt, what do I do? What does my partner do next? Then what do I do? Then what happens? Identify the cycle. Without taking responsibility for the whole thing, look for your part. It’s the only part that you have control over! When you shift your engagement, the entire pattern will change. Read Decline the Invitation: How to Step Out of Relationship Conflicts for more ideas. How can I voice my needs more clearly? Are you being upfront about what you need, or are you being vague, critical, or passive? When you need rest, there is a difference between saying “I am tired and need a break,” and “I need to rest for an hour. Can you please give the kids a bath and get them to bed on your own?” When you want time to connect, saying, “do you want to go for a hike with me?” is less effective than, “I really want to spend time together and would like to go on a hike with you. Would you hike with me this Saturday?” Do we, or I, need more support or resources? Feeling alone is a yucky feeling and it can be hard to reach out. When you know that you have resources to help, it makes moving through the challenges less overwhelming. Our emotional experience can fold us into ingrained patterns, and you might need another perspective to see things through. A relationship is a big, living, feeling thing - and to put the onus on the other person to change it takes power away from you. Without pointing fingers, can you change your perspective on your part? Are you willing to change your approach and see what happens? For once you disrupt an ingrained pattern, you set forth on a new path for change.

When you are consciously working on changing your relationship for the better, there will be times when you slip into past behaviors and patterns. It’s nearly impossible to be conscious every moment, and we are all perfectly imperfect! It’s normal to make mistakes, but it’s how you handle them that matters most. How you handle your mistakes is important to your own self-esteem, which itself impacts your relationship. Imagine a situation with your partner that you know you could have handled better. Do you beat yourself up over the slip? Do you feel defeated in your efforts, because you fell into your old habits? Neither of these responses will motivate you to change your part. Rather, you should pat yourself on the back for recognizing the unconscious slip - that is proof in itself that you are growing! I’ve previously talked about cultivating a learner’s mindset to help improve your relationships; you can use this same mindset to help you get back up when you fall while making changes within yourself. You can start by asking yourself questions to help you learn, move forward again, and keep growing. 4 Questions to Ask Yourself When You Slip Up What can I learn? This is a great question to come to whenever something goes awry, but especially when you are trying to do things in a new way. The way we see a situation is going to determine how we feel and respond to it. So if we see a situation as if we have failed, then we will feel and respond from that place. Yet we DO have the power to change our perspective in a matter of seconds. When you ask yourself what you can learn from the situation, you are changing what you are focussing on, which will in turn affect your emotions and how you respond. What need was I trying to meet by doing or saying that? We all have emotional and physical needs that we need (or want) to meet daily. We find ways to meet these needs in both positive and negative ways. To find the answer to the question, we need to dig a bit and peel back the layers to get to the core of what is going on. It can feel intimidating or uncomfortable to do this, but if we’re not growing, then we are stuck. It helps to identify the thought first. Thought leads to feeling, which leads to behavior. What is the first thing that came to mind? Once you have the thought, you can pinpoint the feeling that you were seeing out. If that doesn’t work, try looking at it the other way: behavior, feeling, thought. How did it make me feel? Ahh…the dreaded question about feelings! But really - try to be your own therapist for a moment. Identify the feeling, and then keep going down the path. You may start with anger, frustration, or annoyance… but peel back a little more. Is there something more under those feelings? You are looking for the core emotion to identify the emotional need. Are you hurt and seeking certainty or love? Are you feeling unimportant and need significance? What can I do to meet that need in a more positive way today? I’m asking you to identify what you can do, and commit to taking that action. Explore whether there is a ritual that you could build into your day, life, or relationships to help put you in a better place. If you are seeking love, perhaps create a ritual of kissing your partner good morning. Or if you need to feel security, perhaps taking time to plan your day will help you feel less scattered. These questions are just a start, and no - you don’t have to use them all at once! And as time goes on, you’ll learn to formulate new questions that challenge you. As long as we stay curious, we will never stop learning about ourselves, and we will continue to grow. Look at your “slip-ups” as an opportunity to learn and give yourself feedback about your life and relationships. You just need to ask yourself the right questions.

Our mindset has everything to do with why we keep growing or stay stuck in a situation, especially when it comes to relationships. When I work with couples, it is usually because one (or both) of them believe there is a problem that needs to be fixed. You might be thinking, “Well, that’s great! They want to fix their relationship!” Perhaps, if they come with a learner mindset. But when an individual is stuck in a judgement mindset, the chances for success are diminished. How do you approach conflict? Are you a judger or a learner? The Judgement Mindset It is very normal to come at situations from a place of judgement. As children, we are both curious how the world works (a learner), and relate everything from a self-centered viewpoint (a judger). Of course, as we get older we learn about empathy and that no, we are not the center of the universe. But when we are deeply invested in a relationship, it becomes so easy to fall into the trap of reacting to a situation versus exploring the possibilities within it. Do you judge your partner? We often judge ourselves by what we believe is the “perfect person”, and judge others in the same way, despite knowing logically that no one is perfect! When we judge a situation, we are limiting the possibility for changing things. It restricts our flexibility and the opportunity to resolve conflict with your partner. In her book, Change Your Questions Change Your Life, Marilee Adams talks about the power of choice when we ask the right questions. It’s empowering when you can choose the mental state you want to be in, rather than falling into the poor me mindset. According to Adams, here are some examples of judger questions: What’s wrong? How can I control this situation? Who is to blame? How am I being hurt? Why is this person so frustrating? Why bother? Judger questions keep you disempowered. You feel like you have no control over the situation, and thus may scramble to regain control, rather than creating a collaborative connection. A judgement mindset invites more conflict and defensiveness into your relationship. The Learner Mindset If a judgment mindset is reactive, then a learner mindset is thoughtfully responsive. Someone with a learner mindset will ask questions and look for feedback to grow in situations. When you ask better questions of a situation, you are more likely to get to the truth of what’s going on. This approach is collaborative and builds connections. Some examples of learner questions include: What am I responsible for? What’s the big picture? What are my choices? What is the other person feeling? What works or what is useful? What can I learn? What is the other person needing? What’s possible? When you are in judgement mode you only see what you want to see. Learner mode is like taking the blinders off. Adams shares that it is natural for us all to fall into a judgement mindset; however, learning to recognize when it happens will serve you to see why it is happening, giving you the opportunity to shift into a growth mode. “Awareness, commitment, and courage, with a dash of humor, keeps us back in growth.” - Marilee Adams If you decide to practice being in a learner vs judger mindset, remember it is a practice! Like many of the relationship tools I share, it takes awareness and courage to make the changes. Be gentle with yourself, and remember that you are human - you will fall into judgment. The key is to recognize when it happens, and recover when you do. Getting good at the recovery part will serve you and the health of your relationship.

We all have times when we feel like we are maxed out and have nothing left to give to others. You are exhausted from work, kids, family obligations, and all of the things. The last thing on your mind is your relationship. You feel like you are doing so much, so why give any more, right? On the one hand, this makes sense. That stressed feeling initiates our primal state of fight, flight, or freeze. When we operate from this primal state, we are focused on creating a situation in which we will best survive - on our own. This is great when you need to survive, but being in survival mode does not create intimacy. The fight or flight response will pass; but it is in these stressful times that we get an opportunity to stretch outside of our comfort zones and grow. When we are growing, we are living at a higher level. The Three Levels of Relationships The first level of participation in relationships is self-centered, as described above. You may be thinking, “why doesn’t my partner give to me when I do so much?”. This ranks low on the relationship-participation meter. Each partner is focused on fulfilling their individual needs alone. The second level of participation in relationships involves the other partner but in a give-and-take fashion. “I will do this for you if you do that for me.” At this level, you only give when your partner is giving back. Both level one and two are low-level relationships. There is no growth or intimacy When you raise the level at which you participate in your relationship to a level three, you prime your relationship and life for greater satisfaction. At level three, both partners are committed to giving to each other unconditionally. They each feel responsible to the other to support that person. It is when you give beyond yourself and contribute to others that we move into our higher-self and a higher relationship state. It is from this place that we will feel the most fulfilled in our lives and relationships. Up-leveling Your Relationship If you are doing all the giving in your relationship and are not open or comfortable with receiving, eventually you will feel depleted and even resentful. If you are taking but not giving, you will feel the relationship has no meaning and want to leave. Relationships are meant to be reciprocal: you need to give in order to receive. In order to up-level your relationship, you need to put yourself in a state of love - and this can be hard when you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed as it is. Yet when you find this loving state, it becomes easier to give and receive the love that you desire from your relationship. And so, during those stressful times, you will have the support and understanding that you need. So how do you find a state of love when you are running on empty? Find a State of Love, Even When You Are Depleted Start by loving yourself. Giving love unconditionally may seem out of reach when you are challenged, but I would ask why are you so burnt out? What are you not doing for yourself? Do you need to ask for more support? Do you need time for yourself? Consider whether you have been loving toward yourself. Giving love is not just about providing others with this gift - it is also about giving love to yourself. Loving yourself creates a deeper connection to self, and in turn, allows you to have more meaningful connections with your partner. Embrace vulnerability. Research shows that true connection and intimacy with others comes from a willingness to be vulnerable. I always say we are perfectly imperfect human beings. Showing up in your relationship means revealing who you are, what you desire, and with honesty. If you can’t share that you are needing something, then you are withholding from your partnership and the relationship. Connections are built during times of sharing common vulnerabilities. It helps others to know you are human - it makes you relatable. Practice mindfulness and presence. We live in a busy world and often walk through life in a trance, doing what needs to be done hypnotically. When you take moments throughout the day to breathe and be, you can create a calmer state for yourself. Try this by setting a timer on your phone to remind you to breathe (my Apple watch does this!). When you are more present and aware, you are more likely to handle challenging situations better. Practice gratitude. Gratitude can help you to feel more positive emotions, build self-esteem, and improve your happiness. Although I do believe that contrast in life allows us to get clearer about what we want, I also believe that being in a negative state more often than not can have devastating effects on our mental health and relationships. Being in a place of negativity keeps you in your own world and disconnected from love. Try to practice gratitude the moment you wake and throughout the day; feeling grateful helps you to see things from a more positive perspective. Build your relationship skills. Relationships can be challenging, especially when you get caught up in the emotions involved. It can be difficult to step outside of the relationship and see things for a broader perspective. Without perspective, we can get stuck in dynamics that are not serving the relationship or yourself. But when you learn how to communicate with greater skill and navigate the dynamics common in relationships, you will be able to better handle differences and meet your partner at a higher level. I am the first to admit that some of these tasks are easier than others, and they all require practice. Sometimes we need help to get out of internal and relational sabotaging behaviors. But with a commitment to growth and responsibility to yourself and your partner, you will land in a place of unconditional love, and be able to give and receive in harmony - no matter how “maxed out” you are.

Do you want things to change in your relationship, but your partner doesn’t see the issue or want to put the effort in? Are you frustrated with your partner and their lack of effort? Do you believe things would be better if s/he would just ______? I have some solutions for you when your partner doesn’t want to put an effort into changing their part of the relationship, but first, I want you to know that you aren’t alone! The couples that come to therapy want a change, and more often than not, it is focused on the other person changing. However, focusing on the other person as the problem is a part of the problem! That is why couples therapy is about learning how each partner can make changes to increase the connection and success of their relationship. If Only They Would… When you focus on just your partner’s shortcomings, you will end up feeling frustrated, disempowered, and even hopeless. This is because when you say “if only they would listen more, talk more, show their feeling more, help more, etc.”, you are putting the entire success of the relationship in their hands. Things will only change if they change. I am not suggesting that you haven’t tried to make things better on your side. Perhaps you have tried to convince your partner, or even demanded or criticized them in moments of desperation. We have all been there! If you have tried and “nothing changed,” then may I suggest we try something different? One role of the relationship coach is to help clients “pull back their blinders”. It can be hard to see all of the nuances of a sticking-point when you are so emotionally tied to it. My role is to listen and ask questions, and to help you see a more whole picture; that of your + your partner’s + my outside perspective. When you can see things from your partner’s perspective, it softens each of you and increases the chances that your partner will be receptive to change. Any disregard will only invite your partner to react defensively or out of self-preservation. First, we need to listen. Listening Helps to Heal As human beings, we all have a need to be heard and seen for who we are. If we reject the person’s truth then we reject them. This act of disregard taps into our deep wounds from childhood of not being accepted for who we really are, and having to be “someone else” to feel loved. We have all experienced this type of conditioning or wounding at times. Even the most loving parents parent unconsciously at times, and they too were raised by parents that unconsciously wounded them. Our wounds can go back generations! The result is that we create a persona to become the person we believe we need to be in order to get the love we crave. I don’t talk about past wounds to place blame, and I don’t focus a lot on the past since we cannot change it. I do, however, believe that the past can inform the present, so we talk about it for the purpose of understanding how we became who we are today. I want to understand why that particular thing your partner does triggers you in the way that it does. Not to focus on their action, but to heal your wound. And when your partner understands how (and why) their action hurts you, their point of view may shift. If you knew that the very thing your partner is complaining about is actually digging into an old, unhealed wound, would you keep doing it? I have rarely seen a couple that walks into my office where one is intentionally trying to hurt their partner. When you seek help, you are both (at some level) showing up as wounded children wanting to love and be loved. So even though we are adults, we still can react from this wounded-child place. Moving from this place to a more mature response is part of the growth process that can be created within each individual and in a supportive relationship. Taking Responsibility for Self When Your Partner is Resisting But what if you are ready to look at the whole relationship and how you both are playing a part in what is broken, and your partner is still resisting? There are things you can do on your own that may start to shift things into a more positive place: Step back from the situation. Before you react, step back and consider ways in which you can invite more softness so you can both get to that tender place—to the core wound. You might have to do the work first, hold space for both of you to put down your weapons, and take off the armor. Put down your weapons. Weapons of communication are the jabs at one another. Criticizing, blaming, general attacks, shutting down, and even things like sex, money, or the kids can be used as weapons. Consider the weapons you use. When do you pull out the big guns, the small pistol, or the knife? Ask yourself, what is my intention? What would I like to invite from my partner? Start here and move forward differently. Respond, not react. You are human so you are going to react, and you may not always be conscious and react from a wound. Practice non-reaction and sitting with what is being triggered within you before you respond consciously. Recognize that an attack is more about what your partner is feeling rather than what they are saying. Try to see through the attack and get to their core: what is s/he feeling underneath that mask of protection? When you impulsively react, you take ownership of the problem and take that responsibility away from your partner. On the other hand, if you pause and respond to the attack with a question of clarification, your partner gets another chance to take responsibility. Soon you will know when to take ownership and when to allow your partner to have their experience. Identify the dynamics. Look at the dance between the two of you around an issue. Consider how you each are triggering each other so you are seeing it from a cyclical perspective, rather linear. It is A ←→ B, not A → B. Become conscious of the dance the two of you create together that maintains the problem, and then focus on changing your part. You don’t need to take ownership of the problem when they attack you. Every time they throw the ball to you, don’t throw it back. Stop playing! Establish boundaries. You are responsible for your feelings. Your partner is responsible for theirs. But you can also be responsible TO your partner by clearly differentiating between what is yours and theirs. When you have been triggered or bothered by something, bring it up mindfully. Ask to have a conversation, and state your problem using an “I” statement, with a focus on asking for what you need. If/when your partner is reactive, recognize this as a sign that their own wound has been triggered. Reacting will only add salt to the wound. Instead, honor your partner's reaction and offer to witness their experience. A relationship is a partnership, and we can forget that when we are feeling especially hurt or unseen. The tips above will help you change the dynamic around an issue, but it takes work. If your partner continues to throw balls at you and not take any responsibility for their part, find a time when the tension is low and express your need to your partner using “I” statements. Set a limit around how you need to be treated and state the consequences. Getting support for yourself will also help you define your role in the relationship, and help you set boundaries to keep yourself safe.

With the holidays approaching, you might want to consider saying “No” to certain invitations to keep your relationships healthy. And despite it being 2020, I’m not talking about COVID. Rather, I want to talk about declining invitations to conflict or dysfunctional patterns in your life. All year, perhaps even daily, you receive invitations to engage in negative patterns with your partner or family members. Once you add in the stress of the holiday season during a pandemic, the potential for conflict increases. If you are ready to change this, then you have the responsibility (and the right) to not accept these invitations, and instead take care of the relationship in a new way. What the Invitation Looks Like The “invitation” to conflict or negative patterns is the thing that triggers you to react in ways you don’t want to. The trigger could be words, an action, or the lack of thereof. And much like a dance, your reaction then triggers your partner, whose reaction hits your wound yet again. This pattern can cycle over and over again in your relationship, causing feelings of frustration, hurt, disappointment, and disconnection. The worst part of this pattern is that it happens unconsciously! Your partner - or anyone - can hit the button deep inside your brain that triggers your instinctual fight-flight-freeze reaction. All of this happens in the limbic system, an older part of your brain that controls mood and attitude. Ideally, we would all react from our more evolved cerebral cortex. This part of the brain has the capacity for higher functions like problem-solving, planning, organization, and rational thought. Unfortunately, we aren’t wired that way and tend to react from the less-evolved limbic system. I refer to this place as the wounded child, or an immature place within. Reacting from this place doesn’t mean you are immature, but your behaviors and your love relationship may be. A goal when working on relationships is to move into a mature love, where each partner takes personal responsibility for their growth and supporting the other’s. Growth is necessary in any relationship, but especially love relationships. To keep your relationship from fizzling out you must give it positive attention. That means learning to decline negative invitations, and instead show up consciously in your interactions. The Alternative: Conscious Interaction Showing up more consciously in your relationships takes practice. For the most part, we don’t really think through our interactions with others. Of course, you aren’t going to be conscious every waking moment, but when it comes to getting out of that vicious cycle in your relationship, you need to evolve. This means tapping into your capacity to rationalize, make sense of things, and intentionally interact. The next time your button is pushed, and the fight-flight-freeze response kicks in, slow down and ask yourself, “how do I want to respond to this invitation?” When you react from the reptilian brain that says, “Danger! Quick! Fight, run, or freeze!”, you have just accepted the invitation with a big YES. You are in survival mode, vulnerable, and feeling threatened. Your partner is, too. Now you have two people reacting as if their life depended on it. There is no sense of safety, no softening, and no moving through the vulnerability together. However, if you decline to engage and instead create a boundary or respond thoughtfully, you are stepping out of the old pattern and creating the opportunity for change and growth. Breaking the Cycle Saying “No” is being responsible to yourself and to the other person. If your partner does not accept your regrets, you will get another invitation. Again, you have the choice to turn down that bid and hold on to your new position. When emotions are high, it is definitely more challenging to be in the conscious state, so you’ll be less likely to recognize when you are being triggered. But you can be prepared! With a little planning, self-talk, and practice, you can be more intentional. As you repeat this new pattern, your partner will soon realize that you aren’t provoking that old dance. There will be a softening that happens, and the dance will shift. Tips on Declining the Invitation Ask Questions: If someone says or does something you don’t like or it feels like an attack, get curious rather than defensive. Ask questions before you even respond. Try: Can you tell me more about why you think that? What happened to make you believe, think, or feel that way? Is there more you want to say about that? Learn to Listen. Before you say anything, stop yourself and hear what is actually being said. Practicing reflecting, or mirroring, the exact words you have heard. This gives your partner the chance to hear back what s/he is actually saying, and makes them think. Keep reflecting back until they are done talking. Try: So what you are saying is… It sounds like you are... Is there more? (This ensures they have been completely heard.) Validate Their Reality. We all crave being heard or recognized, so it is very triggering when you don’t feel that way. When you listen to someone before responding, you meet this need and thus create an opportunity for them to soften, and perhaps see things from a different perspective. Validating is not about agreeing; it is acknowledging someone's feelings and experience. Try: I understand why that would make you angry. You sound frustrated. I can see how you would feel sad about that. Declining invitations to conflict is not easy, especially when you have been reacting from instinct, rather than responding consciously. But with practice, it will soon become habit - and your relationships will grow along the way.

People tend to think relationships should be easy. They take the most perfect day of their relationship and use that as the measuring stick for what every day should be like. But in reality, relationships are mundane, messy, and everything in between. To make it through these normal parts of our relationships, we must learn how to find courage to be uncomfortable. Courage is what we need to do the things that are uncomfortable. We need courage to set boundaries so we don’t get lost, and to speak up about our feelings, needs, and wants. Yet finding this courage can be so difficult! A woman I work with is afraid to let go of her anger out of fear that her husband will never change, he will only hurt her again. She can’t trust him and she doesn’t believe he will change. She needs courage to open her heart to him again. A man I work with is unsure how to help his wife to get over her hurt so she can show love to him again. He knows he hurt her and he wants to do better, but he doesn’t know what to do anymore. He is at a loss and thinks maybe things will never change, so should just end the relationship. He needs courage to move through that hurt with her and open her heart to him again. A couple I work with are constantly defending themselves to one another. One will matter-of-factly say something about the other, and the partner will respond in defense, being sure to equally “ping” the other. It feels childish, yet so real and raw between them. They both need courage to let down their armor and be softer, more loving, and open with each other. Courage is what pulls us out of our comfort zone and into the unknown, which is why it can be so scary. We Need Courage to Grow In the examples above, each person needs to step out of their “safe” habits in order to grow and to change the circumstances that they admittedly do not like. “You can choose courage or you can choose comfort. You cannot have both.” ~Dr. Brené Brown Think about what your anger, fear, or hurt is providing for you. You get something out of it, or you would not be in the situation. Is it giving you the comfort of knowing what will happen next? The alternative is to feel vulnerable and to speak up, play big, and be open to love. It takes courage. It takes that “I’ll do whatever it takes” attitude. Knowing you need courage to make changes is one thing, but finding it is another. I walk alongside my clients as they find their courage, nudging them, and supporting them as they take those first wobbly steps forward. Here are some of the strategies I use to help them along the way. How to Find Courage When It’s Hard Face the fear. Ask yourself “who do I need to become to move through this?” Put yourself in the mindset of courage, then get on your wading boots and walk through the muck. Acknowledge that it is going to be uncomfortable and do it anyway. Use self-talk. Talk to yourself lovingly, and be your own cheerleader. Tell yourself you can do this (you can!). Read quotes that inspire you, put up encouraging post-its, or set reminders with positive messages on your phone. Keep breathing. When you start to get scared, take a good, deep breath. It will bring you back to the present and keep you grounded. Talk and listen. Once you have the bravery-boots on and you wade into a difficult conversation, remember to listen openly. It is scary to explore the unknown because what if your biggest fear is confirmed? That you are not enough? But you will never hear the truth if you don’t lower your defenses and listen with curiosity. Set boundaries. Setting big boundaries takes courage, so practice by implementing smaller ones. Time is a great place to start. Set limits around your time to ensure you take time for self-care, which will improve your mindset. Or if you tend to be reactive in conversations, ask for time to consider the conversation before returning to it. The Alternative to Getting Uncomfortable Of course, there is an alternative to finding your courage. If you choose the comfort of the present over pushing yourself through the tough things, you will be left with the dreaded “what ifs” of grief and regret. What if I had… Let my guard down a little more, or opened my heart to love more often? Stopped being so angry and hurt, and set better boundaries? Been less defensive, and listened more? I like these “what ifs” better: What if you… Found the courage to do the difficult thing, and saw what is on the other side? Risk being hurt, and discovered the depth of your love? Opened the door to feeling love again? Don’t miss out on an opportunity now. Dig deep for your courage in your relationship; there are many great things left to experience.

*In this article I refer to the masculine/feminine as male/female for simplicity; however, we all have both within us and you may relate differently. Men can appear to have a more simple approach to life than women. They can focus singly on the task at hand, such as working on a project, making money, making their partner happy, or relaxing. This is very unlike their feminine counterpart who is acutely aware of everything surrounding her and wants to share it. This dissonance in focus can cause problems in communication, especially when it comes to what men want from their partner. While the masculine energy wants to complete a task or goal in order to get to peaceful nothingness, the female energy wants to connect with all things, receiving and dancing with life. Her presence can deplete him or fill him up, depending on how conscious they are with each other. So when one partner wants to connect the dots to finish the puzzle, and the other is talking about what the individual dots look like, it’s no wonder that couples get tripped up in their communication. More vs. Less We can simplify this difference further to a less vs more mentality. The masculine wants nothing more than to feel at peace and have internal quiet. The woman, however, is acutely aware of her surroundings. This can cause tension, which makes her want to talk about it and plan with anyone she trusts. She wants to know more about what happens around her and to feel connected to all things. The searching for more will feel like “drama” to the masculine, who is searching for less. If he is not strong in his masculinity and presence, he can be knocked down by her storm - and that is a skill he must learn. The feminine must also do her own part in strengthening the relationship, by being mindful of her partner’s needs. It is through learning to communicate with each other’s languages that we become unstuck and can move forward. Read: What Women Want From Their Partner Happy Wife, Happy Life? I often hear the saying, “happy wife, happy life,” and there is some truth to it; although the masculine seeks peace, he also wants to feel love from his partner. If he believes that nothing he does is good enough or that her attention is elsewhere (the kids, work, or anywhere but him), he will feel that he has lost her love. If she is not in a place of love, he cannot be at peace. In her song What a Girl Wants, Christina Aguilera sings, “Whatever makes me happy sets you free. Whatever keeps me in your arms, I am thanking you for giving it to me.” Ladies, your happiness sets him free. He is tormented by not succeeding in the goal of your smile, and he will feel the loss of your love with hurt, withdrawal, and anger. How To Be Mindful With The Masculine 1. Show love and appreciation for him. Yes, men want you to be happy, but they also need to know that they are loved and appreciated. Using words, acts of kindness and touch are just some ways to illustrate your affection. If you aren’t sure what is working or what he needs, check out the 5 Love Languages Quiz by Dr. Gary Chapman, to see how you both best give and receive love. 2. Tell him how he can PROVIDE for you. When working with a woman, I will coach her to use language that speaks to the masculine. Since he wants to provide for you, tell him what will make you happy, feel loved, or for your world to be more peaceful. Using specific language is much more motivating than giving demands or passive-aggressively poking at him until he “gets it.” Thinking that your partner should be a mind reader because they love you is a common trap that couples fall into. 3. Talk things out, but with mindfulness. Men have a tendency to shut down if women give them too much while talking. Communication is important, so try strategies that respect his need for peace while accomplishing what you need. Try to: Set a time limit on the conversation. Ask him to hold space for you, so you can get everything out. Wait for him to agree and be ready, so you aren’t hurt by his lack of presence. Tell him specifically what you want him to remember out of all you said, how you would like to be supported, and if there is something he can provide. 4. Listen to him when he talks. When your husband approaches you to talk, it can be hard to listen when you have a million things going on in your head, but it is important. Women are great at putting their own needs aside for a better time, while men prefer to deal with things NOW. After all, this will find them peace faster! He wants to be heard. And if he feels that you are choosing the dishes, work, the kids, or all of the other things over his needs, he will feel put aside and will shut down. Putting off his needs is a fast way to begin a dance of disconnection. 5. Get out of your head and into your body. When you are focused on all of the things that need to get done, aren’t getting done, and that you have done, you are bound to feel tension. Tension makes women reactive, and do things that aren’t always in alignment with who she truly is. So take time to get into your body; rest, dance, get a massage, exercise, or find something that gives your busy brain a break. 6. Set boundaries for yourself. Try to reduce further tension in your life, and find time for self-care by setting limits around your time and energy. Identify what you need help with and ask in a firm and loving manner for that help. If you are not taking care of yourself, you will not be showing up in your relationship - and if you are not showing up for your man, he will know it. When you look at what men want from their partner or vice versa, it is that we all want to feel loved and appreciated. In order to achieve that, both partners must be willing to make an effort to understand their partner and make changes in their own behavior. While one person can’t change the whole relationship, they can change their half - which then can become the catalyst for bigger change.

When couples come to me for guidance in their relationship, the topic of unmet needs is bound to come up. We could spend hours pointing fingers, and making “I feel” statements, and talking specifics, but at the heart of the matter is something else. Those unmet needs are a symptom of disconnect in the relationship, and what a woman wants from her partner is to feel that he is present and connected to her. When a woman’s partner is distracted, distant, or not connected to her heart, she knows it. She will hold back love, and feel tension within. Naturally, the man will sense this tension and try to fix things. If his attempts are unsuccessful, he himself will turn away, hurt, and defeated. This leads to her losing trust in his ability to connect with her. She will continue to test his presence and connection. But each time the man hides, reacts defensively, or tries to fix the wrong thing, she pulls back further, and the dance continues. This unconscious, reactive dance can last for years when the other person is not meeting your needs. He is a Tree, She is the Wind Each person has their role in the relationship, but I want to focus on masculine energy specifically. In most heterosexual relationships, this is likely to be the man in the relationship; however, these principles can be applied in all types of relationships. When discussing unconscious reactions and behaviors, it can help to find a real-world parallel. Imagine the feminine as the wind and the masculine as a tree. The wind may blow through the tree’s branches and leaves gently, or push through in great gusts to test the tree's strength. If the wind blows and the tree breaks or collapses, then the lack of stability is clear. In a relationship, the feminine will test the strength of the masculine. The woman needs to know that the man is strong and grounded in their relationship, and in his connection to her. But when the man is not grounded in his masculine energy and collapses or falters, the woman sees that he is not connected with her. How to Respond to the Tests It takes two people to create this situation, but it takes only one to change it. When the feminine pushes and tests the masculine, the man has a choice in his reaction: Turn away, and seek outlets where he feels less tense and more appreciated. This may be in work, a hobby, the children, or another person. All of this creates more distance and disconnection, making the situation worse. See it as an opportunity to grow personally and strengthen the relationship. When you choose to see an opportunity in the face of challenge, the masculine is more likely to withstand the storm with strength. Taking personal responsibility for your part in the “relationship dance” requires mindfulness and action so that you can be aware of the need for change and then do something different to break the old pattern. Strengthening the Masculine Energy in Your Relationship Get out of your head. It is easy for us to overthink situations. Our big, beautiful brains serve us well to think through problems. But we are more than just our brains, and we must also connect with our hearts. Take time to feel her in your heart. Overthinking what is happening will take you out of the moment, and away from your awareness of her. Embrace the tree metaphor. The strength of a tree comes from its center of support, the trunk, but also the deep roots grounding it into the earth. Ground yourself! Put roots deep into your relationship, and allow her to feel your strength. Being strong doesn’t mean you lack feelings; it means you aren’t uprooted by challenges that come your way. Prepare to be tested. She will test your attempts to change. When you try to react or do things in a different way, don’t count on it being a magic solution to a longstanding negative cycle. It will take practice. In the meantime, she will test your strength: “Has he changed? Can I count on him?” These are the questions she may be asking herself, so she will unconsciously do things that will test your presence with her. If she pushes you and you fall, she will confirm her fear that she can't trust you. But if you hold your new position and remind her that you’ve got her, she will soon soften and open up to you more. Don't take her attacks personally. When she lets the wind blow, move with her, and maintain your roots. Listen to her, and try to determine what is at the core. What is she feeling or needing behind her words? Even if they feel like attacks, can you hear through it all? I see couples so stuck in this negative cycle of attack-defend that it is hard not to be in a blame space. I also know that one person can stop their part in that cycle to convince the other to stop going there. I don’t believe it is your sole responsibility to change your relationship; however, it is your responsibility to change your part. That is all you can control, and more likely than not, you can improve. We all have room to grow; now imagine what things could be like when your relationship grows with you.

What to do with another month of staying home? You may have lost count of the days at this point. It is easy to get overwhelmed by this idea because navigating a pandemic is all new. We have never experienced anything like this in our lifetime, and we don't know what to do. You may be feeling the pressure of balancing multiple hats in one day and the stress of it all. In Kim John Payne's book Simplicity Parenting, although focused on preserving childhood, Payne offers a helpful take on stress that accumulates. He calls the frequent pattern by which a threshold of pressure builds and doesn't dissipate, a cumulative stress reaction or CSR. He states, "that enough little pieces of stress with enough frequency can accumulate into a PTSD-type scenario," and focuses on simplifying children's daily life. We are all currently feeling that threshold building daily. Overloaded with new tasks to balance, pivoting our work or daily routine and focus are all adding to the pressure. Mix in the media around the clock flashing words, pictures, and headlines that drum up panic and fear, and it is a recipe for emotional meltdowns. Payne believes the collection of these stresses challenges a child's resiliency. What about us adults feeling an accumulation of pressures beyond our typical daily life stress? We tap out. We slide over on the continuum to the stressed side, and your reaction can look like a disorder. The point is not to turn your focus on diagnosing yourself, but rather to look at ways you can move toward the other end by reducing the stress and building resiliency. Although Payne is referring to the stress response in children from pressures, it may also help us, adults, to implement simplification as a tool to shift us from reaction to responsive. If you have children, I recommend Payne's work, and you may apply everything here to your family as well. I also think we can parent ourselves, tap into that nurturing part within and take the steps to reduce the impact of the current pressures. Here are five ways to respond to stress to help you build resiliency and move through this time. 1. Maintain a daily routine. There is so much unknown in our world right now that having some predictability can help to reduce stress. You may have had to shift your daily routine since being home, but more likely than not, many of your daily habits can remain. Routines create certainty in your day, and if you have children, it will help to keep them from feeling overwhelmed too. For example, set yourself a bed and wake time that you can stick to most days of the week. You can think of it is a daily flow and how you move from one thing to the next. 2. Bake rituals into your day. Although routines can help to create more certainty in your day, or that of children, baking in rituals highlight points in the day and give more meaning to the redundancy of repeated acts. You can think of routine as a result-driven process(masculine container) and a ritual as offering a more profound meaning or connection (feminine). By doing both, you create more balance. Having breakfast together in the morning, sipping on a cup of coffee while you read the paper, making your bed as an intention to set the day with motivation, meditating mid-day, dinner together with the table set a certain way or with prayer, are all examples of rituals. Think of other rituals from holidays and draw on these for ideas. 3. Get resourced. You may be feeling overwhelmed with things changing each week and even daily. If you do not believe you have resources, you can feel paralyzed. Not knowing what to do or where to begin is not a pleasant feeling, it just adds to the already compounding stress of these times. Building your resources does not mean go out and buy up all the toilet paper and bottled water, which is an act of fear coming from a scarcity mindset. Identify the people you can lean on for support during this time. Cultivate a list of skills or gifts you have to move through these trying times. Consider sources outside of yourself, a book, a blog, or a therapist that can support you. 4. Practice healthy mindset exercises You can choose to see the current situation as either something that is happening to you or something that is happening for you. Two different mindsets, right? The first one creates a sense of being powerless or keeps you in a victim state-of-mind. Whereas the latter opens you up to the opportunity for growth. Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to learn how to surrender, to be kind to yourself, or how to live more simply. Ask yourself the questions that focus on growth from the situation. You can also put your attention on what you want more of in your life vs. what you don't have. You will be more likely to stay motivated to move forward. 5. Simplify your day and environment. Simplifying is a way to eliminate complications that could create stress in your life. Start by reducing the amount of stuff coming at you. Decrease the information coming in by setting boundaries around media and screens. Eliminate the clutter in your home, in your inbox, and your schedule and free up space to breathe. Remember that routine suggested earlier? Create a flow in your day or follow a simple rhythm of breathing. The exhale is that active time in the day, whereas the inhale would be more rest, reflection, or low impact activities. If you feel emotional and overwhelmed by it all, slow down and treat yourself as if you have a physical fever. Rest, eat healthy foods, and remove any stress. Finding balance will help you to feel more in your best self.

All relationships have conflict. It happens when you put two uniquely different people together. The differences between the two of you are what holds you together. It would be quite boring if you were too similar. But quarreling can deplete the relationship if you do not know how to resolve issues. Unresolved issues continue to surface, no matter how often you try to skate around or over. I am referring to the conflict in a relationship and not abuse. If you are unsure of the difference in your relationship, reach out to a mental health professional or your physician. As a relationship therapist and coach, I see couples all the time in conflict, and often they are tired of not being able to resolve their issues. They are surprised when I show them why they are at this impasse and how to to get out of it. My first lesson... Focusing on the other person changing or being the problem is sure to keep you both stuck. When change rests on someone else changing, you will feel powerless. Not a good position to be in! A mindset shift is necessary, but also taking responsibility for your part in the relating pattern. It Takes Two to Tango You both play a part in maintaining the conflict, whether you want to see your part or not. We begin our work together focused on each taking responsibility for their role in the relationship interaction, or what we refer to as "the couple dance." The two of you are entangled in a dance vying for power or influence. A power struggle around issues. It is time to put down your sword! #COVID-19 has brought on a threat to every person worldwide. The fight, flight, or freeze response is triggered in each of us. Everyone will respond differently to a threat depending on how deep our wounds are and how much work we have put into healing our past hurts. The hurts I am referring to are both the big and small traumas that have happened to us, and as far back as we can remember. So, even though the present threat is different, your reptilian brain does not recognize the difference. The message is still the same--"threat." An alarm goes off and we react--fight, flight or freeze. Your defense mechanisms will be triggered during this heightened time of uncertainty, abiding by the #stayhome measures, and you may find yourself reactive to your partner, or vice versa. Maybe you are the one on the receiving end. Perhaps you freeze in hopes that this will pass. Or do you run and hide and spend your free time on the media or avoiding any real conversation? Your differences are highlighted and the two you can slip into a defend-attack dance with each other. When you are triggered, and you perceive a threat (big or small), you naturally protect yourself with invisible armor. You gear up, as I tell my clients, sword and all. The goal is to create a safe space for connection and healing because if you try to do anything but heal that trigger, it will continue to come up. That is why couples find themselves in conflict over the same issue(s) over and over again. They don't create a space for healing to occur, and they continue to hurt each other, even unconsciously. Your relationship can be a source of deep healing. You want to create a space where you and your partner can undress from that protective armor, soften and open. You want to get "buck naked," or, in other words, vulnerable. It needs to feel safe for this to happen. But how do you do that when you are feeling so guarded? Creating Safety A safe environment allows for vulnerability, and we need to create this safety. You can do your part, remember you are in control of you, and doing things that build security. Here are suggestions for creating space for vulnerability. Be brave, and put down your sword. The emotional environment between you and your partner might not feel safe, and it takes only one motivated partner to create a shift. Be brave and take the first step to help you both soften. Start by putting down your sword. An invitation to surrender can look like you walking towards your partner unarmed and inviting a conversation. Putting down your sword also requires you to be mindful of times when you jab your partner with it. Do you say things that just hit your partner in a provoking manner? If you open yourself up to seeing your part, you will know what you do. If you don't, pay more attention. It sounds like a dig at your partner, and it is hurtful and non-productive. What would it take for you to lay down your weapons? Set clear Boundaries Think of boundaries as the rules for how to build a safe container to discuss the hard stuff—set standards for how the two of you might talk, or at a minimum for yourself. If your partner is talking, that means you listen. Listen as a curious partner. You can simply reflect or mirror what your partner says so that you are 1) present to your partner, and 2) you are not jumping in and responding too quickly. You want to discern between what is your partner's issue vs. what is your problem. That way, you can address the issue presented. As soon as you respond without fully listening to the other, you are likely to entangle yourself in their problem, making it a more significant challenge to tackle, hence why couples find themselves frustrated that they can not resolve their issues. Get Perspective Ever climb a mountain or get to a high point? When you look down, everything seems peaceful. You gain a new perspective. You want to expand your view of the conflict and see it from a broader lense. If you are listening to your partner, I mean really listening, you can hear what is said and their experience of the issue. Stretch yourself to see it from their perspective. You don't have to agree, but you are more likely to respond with empathy if you pull back. If you find that the two of you are so entrenched in your dance and need support to get out of it, a new perspective, then seek out a relationship coach or therapist to help the two of you. Getting support is an act of bravery and can be a game-changer with the right kind of support. Even during this uncertain time, you can find virtual guidance to help you to go from quarreling to connection with greater ease.

I was finding that my emotions and mood would shift throughout the day. You might be experiencing this emotional roller coaster as well. Some days I would wake with hope and be calm throughout the day as I kept busy. Then at night, my husband and I would watch the news since we have been mindful of limiting that information around the children. That is when I would feel that peak rising within. I would find myself either having trouble sleeping, unable to stay asleep throughout the night or waking very early, and feeling exhausted. Exhaustion and high levels of stress is not a good formula for staying mindful in your relationships, nor is it healthy for your overall wellness. It certainly does not help you navigate working and educating your kids if you are like me and have children that are all learning from home now. I am happy to report that I have been sleeping a whole lot better these days. My stress level is down. I feel more open and relaxed than I have since all of this started with the Coronavirus Pandemic. I am positive that my cortisol levels are down and that I am moving through this in a much more grounded way. To read more about cortisol, its impact on your health, and ways to keep it at healthy levels, check out this article here. So, how am I staying in this more peaceful state? Today I want to share with you all the things that I have done or doing to help. These are my top tips to keep your stress levels down and tend to your mental health: #1 Decrease the amount of news and social media related to the Coronavirus. I have wanted to stay informed, which is what led me to watch the news after the kids were asleep, but I knew it was creating a stress response in me. Instead, I turned to the facts only, so I feel informed and not reactive. My body instantly released tension. Of course, it is hard to determine where to get reliable information these days, therefore I suggest limiting the amount of information coming at you. So, while attempting to stay informed, focus on the facts, minimize the amount of news you watch and continue to take measures to stay healthy. Oh...and stay home! There is so much healing that can unfold at home if we stay there long enough to meet ourselves more fully. Indeed step out for some fresh air each day while minding your distance from others. #2 Practice clear boundaries and self-care. Simply, boundaries are the invisible lines we create that separate us from others. You clarify these lines for yourself and speak them to others, so they know where you begin and end. It is knowing who the problem belongs to and not taking on other people's stuff. You can establish clearer boundaries with some basic practices like... Be a listener and also ask to be heard. You can be witness to other's experiences and hold space to hear their experience, but in no way do you have to feel what they are feeling nor jump in and rescue. Simply be an ear or space holder for the other person to feel all the feels. I teach my clients this same healthy boundary practice as an act of self-love and compassion, and it is critical during this time of global panic. If you are highly sensitive and tend to feel or take on other's feelings, then you want to be extra careful about protecting yourself. Check-in with your feelings and address whatever need is not being met. It is important to consciously move through the day being aware of feelings that come up and the need behind them. Then attend to your needs often so you are well taken care of and can be a source of support for others. Always put your oxygen mask on first before you assist others. You are not useful to anyone if you can't breathe. So when that voice shows up and tells you that you are selfish and you start to feel guilty, say 'thank you for protecting me. I appreciate you. I am good, and I know I need to keep myself healthy to help others." You do not have to sacrifice your needs for the sake of the relationship, that is not a healthy boundary. Separate your feelings from those of others. As a separate being, you have different feelings than others around you. Granted, we are all feeling these same feelings. Some more than others. Probably at different times and varying intensity. We are absolutely in this together. With that said, we can all feel independently without losing connection to others. When someone shares what they are feeling or complains about something, remind yourself that this is about them, this is their feeling, not yours. You can feel calm and your partner or friend can feel a deep pit in their stomach. It is ok. This practice also helps you to hold the space for their feelings to be shared and not bring your own feelings or reactions into it. You are separate. #3 Talk about all your feelings. I was watching a video that one of the kindergarten teachers at my children's school made for her students. She was reading the children's book, "We're Going on a Bear Hunt." When the family is out hunting a bear and comes to an obstacle on their journey, they say, "We can't go over it, We can't go under it. Oh no! We've got to go through it!" We can try to go around, over or under the emotions, even throw a cover over it, hoping it will just go away, but that does not solve the issue. It just sits there and takes up emotional space whether we overtly acknowledge it or not. So, you go through it. Feel all the feels. Allow yourself to flow through it, and receive the message it has for you. Ask about it. What message does it have for you? #4 Reach out and connect. If you are home with your family, reach out to your spouse or partner. Brene Brown, a researcher on shame and vulnerability, talks about the courage to be vulnerable and that there is no courage without fear. She says that 100% we will fail at times, that it is part of life, but we need to find the courage to keep at it. So, keep making attempts to connect. Don't take your partners defensive/guarded reactions, or anyone's for that matter, personally. Everyone is feeling threatened right now and at some level, in fight or flight response. Keep your focus on increasing emotional safety and intimacy. Talk more and go deeper. You can check out Brene Browns Netflix special "The Call to Courage," here, and watch together. Brene shares what it means to have the courage to show up in your relationship. Make an effort to talk about it after and how you can each show up more for each other. Oh, and remember that article above on cortisol levels? Exercise is recommended to bring cortisol levels to a healthy level, so definitely get that walk or workout in as much as possible. And... if you and your partner are actively having sex, have more sex. If you are not having sex with your partner or spouse, or maybe you are not currently in a relationship, focus on the emotional intimacy with others and remember, you can always have sex with yourself. The key here is to not focus on what you don't have but what you do, and building an emotional connection is a great place to start. You can also focus on connecting with others over audio/video platforms. Whether you are living with others or alone, reach out to friends and support persons (therapist, coach, doctor, energy healer, etc.) and virtually connect. If you have a history of mental health such as depression, or anxiety disorders, seek out the support of a mental health professional to guide you through all of it. Tele-health has been on the rise and utilized more today. So, your therapist or any therapist is probably set up today to meet the social distancing needs of our current situation. Line up those you can talk feelings with and allow yourself to go through them all. Make an effort. Challenge yourself to go deeper, and very importantly, create safe spaces for yourself and others. #5 Focus on the potential. You probably have heard the saying, "what you focus on will flourish." If you focus on the threat and dangers, you will only fall into a state of helplessness. You will catch yourself going there. These are the key words--catch yourself. When you notice this happening, as I said above, move through it, you don't want to bypass any of the feelings. You can also practice seeing the silver lining in all things, especially this one. Shift your focus to the potential or opportunity this has for you and all of us. I see the potential for simplicity. My heart swells when I envision the deepening of my connection with my family and friends and my kids getting to be kids. I want to dance when I imagine all of us shedding our protective layers and building trust among each other, where we are healing our deep wounds and choosing faith over fear. I feel full when I imagine mother earth healing. A world where we appreciate and honor all that is abundant from Her, and we take care of Her. For now, I want to keep things simple. The idea of less is more feels potent right now. I hope that we all make the best of our current crisis and allow ourselves to shed all that no longer serves us, take the time to see ourselves, our partners, our children, etc., and reconnect to our true selves. We are all feeling vulnerable, so protect yourself with healthy boundaries and create safe spaces for you and those around you to open up more fully.