• Cari Sans, Coach & Therapist

How to give love and contribution when you are maxed out


We all have times when we feel like we are maxed out and have nothing left to give to others. You may feel like you are doing so much, so why give any more. Maybe you are thinking that you deserve some contributing to. This type of low level participation in relationships can be damaging. Raising the level at which you participate, by giving beyond yourself and contributing to others, is how we move into your higher self and a higher relationship state. It is from this place that we will feel the most fulfilled in our lives and relationship.

When we operate from our primal state of fight or flight, we are more focused on creating a situation in which we will best survive. This is great when you do need to survive but being maxed out is just an emotional state--not a death sentence. Therefore, the emotions will pass. It is during these times, when we are challenged to pushed ourselves beyond our comfort zone, that we grow. So, it is a great opportunity to move yourself to a higher level of living—by giving love and contributing to others.

It is in this state that we feel the most loved and fulfilled. We are not focused on ourselves and we are filled with all we need by going beyond ourselves. But sometimes we need help getting there because we play games with ourselves and get trapped by old patterns that creates a vicious cycle of the status quo.

So how do we get unstuck, move beyond our state of feeling maxed and go beyond ourselves….

1- Start with love. Giving love unconditionally may seem out of reach when you are challenged, but pushing yourself beyond this threshold helps you to gain greater awareness of yourself, what you are capable of and also builds deeper connection--leading to a life of fulfillment. Start with loving yourself unconditionally, so that you have the strength of heart and mind to give the same to another person.

2- Take care of you. First loving yourself and then taking care of your own needs. When maxed out it often is a sign that you have neglected taking care of you. Are you needing some R&R, meditation, a cup of coffee or tea, exercise, sleep, etc.…? These things may seem like you are being selfish but if you don’t love and care for yourself, you will have nothing to give. These are two essential needs to help you to move beyond yourself and love unconditionally. You can move feeling good and confident that you know what to do when you need taking care of.

3- Embrace vulnerability. Research shows that true connection and intimacy with others comes from a willingness to be vulnerable. I always say we are perfectly imperfect human beings. Allow yourself to own up to your weaknesses, and honor your honesty with yourself and others. Connections are built during this time of sharing common vulnerabilities. It helps other to know you are human--it makes you relatable.

4- Practice mindfulness. Take a moment to be aware of the present. Take deep breaths to shift your bodies physiology and move you into a calmer state. When you are present and aware, you more likely to handle challenging situations better.

5- Find gratitude. Being in a place of negativity is like spiraling down in your own circle. You are in your own world and disconnected from love. A great way to move yourself towards love is to think of something to be grateful for. Practice gratitude from the moment you wake and throughout the day. Feeling grateful helps you to see things from a more positive perspective.

6- Listen and respond. When another person is trying to talk, listen and acknowledge what they are saying. Honor them with your presence. In today’s modern world, we are all too often distracted by too much stuff. Slowing down and showing up is critical to creating for the other person a sense that you care and they are loved. Validate and honor their experience and try not to just be a savior, because just feeling heard is often all the other person needs, whether an adult or child.

Best wishes!


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