Explore The Secrets To Thriving Within Your Relationship

Are you and your partner having the same fights over and over again? Is your sex life off, barely there, or non-existent? Are you bored, feeling alone, or like you’re just roommates? If so, your marriage may be in a rut. If you sense this is the case, don’t worry - it’s normal; and very fixable with a little TLC to help you get back on track. Marital Bliss is a Myth Well… sort of. A happy and healthy marriage is one hundred percent possible! But within that happy marriage, there will still be challenges, disagreements, and ruts when bad habits and complacency slip in. We are all human, and living with someone else - no matter how much you love them - will come with conflict at some time or another. And when you add children, mixed families, taking care of elderly parents, and all that life throws at you, (like a pandemic), it’s no wonder we sometimes retreat into ourselves for some peace! It’s how we react to these stresses that determines the health (and happiness) of the relationship. Bridging the Gap Whether your marriage is in a rut due to withdrawing purposely for self-preservation, or simply because you’ve become complacent, it’s time to bridge the gap between you again. Sharing your desire for change may not feel easy, especially if it's been awhile. It’s a vulnerable act that takes courage, and it feels “safer” to stay in your own head about things. Yet when you stop sharing with your partner, the rut deepens and distance creeps in, pulling the two of you further apart over time. It will only become harder to bring the two of you together again. Beware the Triggers Bringing up the changes you want to see in the relationship is a good first step, but first we need to be aware of potential triggers that will derail your efforts. You may already have tried to bring it up, only to get no response or changes from your partner. As a result, you sit in frustration, anger, and resentment that continues to grow. This of course, increases the distance even more. Relationships function as a system. So if one part of the system (you) is hurt/angry/disappointed, it’s likely that your guard is up. You have moved into protection mode as a natural reaction to the increased stress in your relationship. Unfortunately, your response can trigger a similar reaction from your partner, pushing them into a version of fight, flight, or freeze. Now you are both in protection mode, and further away from vulnerability than when you started (with the best of intentions!) Be the Change That’s why I invite the women and men that I work with to be the change in order to shift out of the rut in their relationships (and life). Be the one who does not collapse in the face of their partner's attacks; see through their words and actions and look for the real issue. Your partner won’t want to open up if you’re wearing your armor and holding your weapons in your hands. You must surrender to the moment by seeking the bigger picture. Why is my partner so angry? What are they angry about? How have I unknowingly contributed to triggering them? What can I do to soften and open so that my partner can do the same? This is the moment when you are being asked to stretch yourself. To let down your guard and dive into the unknown. To let go of that old pattern of how the two of you interact and open yourself to the possibility of what could happen next. You can choose to return to the old pattern the two of you have, or move into a new land of possibility. Change is a choice. You can be the change and stretch yourself to grow out of this rut, or keep doing more of the same and dig yourself in deeper. The rut is an opportunity for the two of you to grow into a better version of what you have been. You will become more skilled at being in relationships, more courageous, and clearer in your needs and desires. Growth will increase your capacity, strength, and adaptability to life’s demands and allow you and your relationship to flow through change with greater ease. It’s time to be responsible for your part in the relationship, and to the partner you have chosen. Further Reading: More tips for reconnecting with your partner Why nothing ever changes in your relationship Build trust in your relationship

A big part of my job is helping people see challenges as opportunities to grow, and that change isn’t a bad thing. But because of how we are naturally “wired”, and from the lessons we have learned in our lives, making those changes can be hard. To help you ease this resistance, I encourage you to learn to “surrender and soften”; both with yourself and with your partner. Surrender I'm not using the word “surrender” as a suggestion for you to give up or give in. Rather, I’m using it in a spiritual way. To surrender in spirituality and religion means that a believer completely gives up his own will and subjects his thoughts, ideas, and deeds to the will and teachings of a higher power. It is about becoming vulnerable and giving up the need to control the situation or the outcome. Surrendering is about being curious, trusting in yourself, and exploring new perspectives. Making changes in your relationship isn’t always easy. There may be setbacks, and you may want to give up at times. But opportunities for growth are there if you choose to see life that way. When you surrender to a situation, you open up to the possibility of learning - and this growth mindset is required to create something new for your relationship. Vulnerability makes many of us fearful. Most of us have grown up within a patriarchy where control is valued, and the idea of surrendering seems weak or risky. Yet it is this very risk - vulnerability - that can drive deep change. Being more vulnerable to your partner and your relationship will go a long way, but you can also practice surrender with yourself. In fact, creating a good relationship with yourself should be your first step! This way, you will be better prepared to deal with challenges that arise in your partnership. Throughout your day, create moments of pause. Close your eyes and surrender to the moment. Come “home” to yourself, and observe what you see, hear, smell, and feel around you. With practice, you will be able to call upon this grounding feeling whenever you need it. Then when a moment of conflict arises, you can come home to yourself and pause, grounding yourself before you cross the threshold into spaces with others. This can help avoid in-the-moment reactions that you regret later. Keep Learning No one is perfect, and sometimes we will still react instead of responding to situations. If we can learn from these experiences, we can use this information to create an even better situation in the future. Your relationship provides the backdrop for personal growth. In essence, your relationships show up to provide you with the exact growth you need or the lesson(s) to be learned. We just need to see these situations, or people in our lives, as here for us in this way. I often ask my clients, “why is this happening for you?” They come to me thinking that life is happening to them, and this question helps them to start building a growth mindset. You can practice this right now by thinking of a problem you are having with your partner: Start by seeing the problem you have with your partner as a triggering moment. Say to yourself, “I’ve been triggered.” Surrender to the trigger, and drop back into your home within you. Release any attachments to the situation or your partner. Notice what is happening for you. What feelings are coming up? Why is that? What might the moment be asking of you, that would stretch you or your growth? Imagine yourself on that cliff and being pushed to surrender and let go of any need to control. It feels scary, doesn’t it? We’ve been trained to be fearful of the unknown, so we keep a death grip on our existing life, situations, and our stories - even when they aren’t serving us any more. It’s time to practice softening. Soften When you are triggered, feel out of alignment, or find yourself moving into negativity, it’s time to soften. Loosen your grip on all of the things and the need to control the situation. Become present and notice things as an observer, looking for the lesson presented before you decide what action to take next. This will help you with the need to control everything (which is way more responsibility than you need), and will support you to respond to situations in alignment with who you want to be. Soften your eyes. Do you see your partner with harsh or critical eyes? How can you see them with more love? What do you appreciate about them or are grateful for? See the situation or your partner with fresh eyes and become curious. Soften your face. Notice the muscles in your face and your body. Where do you hold your tension? If you are feeling the need to control, are worried, or fearful, your muscles will tighten up. Practice softening your face and being present in the moment. Relax your shoulders, your stomach and womb, and let go of any “gripping” in these areas. Soften your heart. Feel love for yourself, first. How can you be gentle with yourself in your words, thoughts, and actions? Open your heart to feel love for this situation and the possibility that something positive will result from this very moment. What is the next thing you can do to love yourself, and even your partner? The idea of surrendering and softening is just a different way to encourage a growth mindset. Life is meant to change and shift, as are the relationships we experience along the way. Nothing is set in stone. And when you can embrace change as an opportunity to grow, your experience (and your relationships) will become deeper and richer.

When things aren’t going the way you want in your relationship, it’s easy to feel powerless. Things just keep happening (or not happening) the same way, and nothing ever changes. If you are dreaming of a happier, healthier relationship, here’s the first step: explore your limiting beliefs. Because the truth of the matter is that getting the relationship you want is entirely in your control. I always ask my clients, do you want to be surviving in this relationship (and in your life), or thriving? The answer invariably is the latter, while their behavior to this point has been about the former: surviving. And it’s limiting beliefs that are to blame for this discrepancy. The Reason For Limiting Beliefs Limiting beliefs are thoughts and opinions that one believes to be the absolute truth. The belief starts as an idea or thought, and then due to circumstances, external messaging, and other references, the belief is upheld. So, you come to believe it as truth. Some examples could be “partners should not be trusted”, or “loving someone means I’ll get hurt”. These beliefs are often created in our childhood, (though they can be created at any time), and become part of our identity. We create stories about people and the world around us to keep us safe, and to avoid getting hurt. So in one sense, the belief is in service to us. Until… it isn’t anymore. While our limiting beliefs may have formed to protect us and serve a function at some point, they cost us greatly in our lives and relationships. These beliefs have a negative impact because they are stopping you from moving forward and growing. Limiting Beliefs Are Holding You Back How do you know if limiting beliefs are holding you back? One red flag is that you’re blaming your partner for the way things are in the relationship, or you’re blaming someone else for the way things are going in your life. The blame stems from another natural self-defense mechanism. When we sense a threat (are triggered), we react. The fight or flight response kicks in, and we defend ourselves. It’s survival! Yet again, this “natural reaction” only serves us well for so long. And when our reaction is no longer serving us in the way we want, it’s time to change things. Our choices and actions are formed by our beliefs. Thus, if our beliefs are limited, so will the options we think we have. But you have the power to change this! You can create new options in your relationship and your life. This is a much more empowering, positive feeling than one of feeling stuck, hopeless, or helpless. How to Explore the Limiting Beliefs That May Be Holding You Back If you feel like you are not growing or your relationship is stuck, start by looking at what beliefs you have that are contributing to the situation. What is the story you are telling about your partner, the relationship, and yourself? You may be telling a story about the way things are, holding it as truth, and thus limiting the relationship (and your life). Changing this story is the most important thing you can do to get closer to the relationship you actually desire. To make a change for the positive, begin by looking at your beliefs and where they might be holding you back. Here are some steps to move you through this process: Write down the belief you have about the situation. Do you say things like: I am doing everything. They don’t care. They can’t share themself with me. It’s always like this. Nothing will change until they change. Next, ask yourself “What is the opposite of this belief?” And follow up your answer with questions like: If that were true what would that mean? What would be different? How would I act differently or do life differently if this was the truth? Going back to the original limiting belief(s), explore the benefits of it: How has holding onto this belief served you? See the service in this story and put your hand on your heart. Close your eyes and give thanks to the belief for serving you as long as it has. Now explore what it has cost you to hold onto this story: What has it cost your life? Your health? Your relationship with your partner(s)? Relationships in general? Your career/work/business? Create a new, empowering belief that is in alignment with the relationship and life you want? Write that down. Next to that belief, write down one new action you can take today that will move you toward the relationship you want to create with your partner. This exercise shows that you have the power to change how things are going, and decide where you want them to go instead. You aren’t responsible for changing your partner, but you are responsible for changing yourself. And in doing so, you are being responsible to your relationship by creating a higher standard for yourself. When you quit those tired-out and limiting beliefs, you are taking a step toward the life (and relationships) that you want. You get to choose to show up and be the person you want to be, not limited, but free. Are you ready to change your story to one that supports the life and relationships you desire?

Do you question if you are with the right person? I wonder if comparison is the culprit. Social media has become a form of entertainment for many - especially during this past year. We become voyeurs, and can peek into the lives of (quite literally) millions of others. Yet what we see is an edited, false-sense of reality, and only a glimpse of someone else’s life. If the “scroll” gives you inspiration, it's valuable; but if you get stuck in the world of comparison, you may be making life more difficult for yourself. Because when you start comparing your partner or relationship to others, you are sure to kill any satisfaction that was there. The Grass Isn’t Greener When you look at what is missing in your current relationship, you may find yourself fantasizing what you would like that isn’t there. There is nothing wrong with imagining a better situation! In fact, it could be a glimpse into ways in which your current partnership could improve, if given the attention. But by focusing on what you don’t have, rather than what you do, you may soon find yourself considering leaving the relationship. So before you leave in search for “more”, consider what that really means. A girlfriend of mine often says that “the grass isn’t greener on the other side.” She has gone through divorce, and knows firsthand the emotional strain and challenges that come with the disentanglement of a couple. So should you leave in search for whatever it is you are longing for? Or stay out of the fear that things might not be better anywhere else? In the end, you could find yourself with a new partner who has more of whatever it is you are looking for, but then find that their values don’t align with what is most important to you. Mr. or Ms. (Almost) Right In the article called The Good Enough Partner in Psychology Today, Aaron Ben-Zeev, Ph.D., writes, “A ‘satisficing’ solution can be the best choice when we take into account the cost of looking for alternatives.” He says that “satisficing” is a term coined by economist and psychologist Herbert Simon, combining the words “satisfy” and "suffice". This term expresses an adequate solution rather than maximum utility. In his opinion, it would be more beneficial to take a realistic approach to finding solutions based on what is valuable to you rather than trying to find the best overall option. Being “satisficed” with a good enough partner doesn’t mean settling. It’s more about seeing what is most valuable to you when it comes to your partner in your relationship, while also continuing to improve the relationship. Taking this attitude may help to increase your actual satisfaction with your partner. From a Couples’ Counselling Perspective I believe the purpose of the article is to encourage you to consider what is valuable to you, and whether your partner meets these values; it’s not meant to deter you from leaving if that is what you believe to be the solution. Some partnerships will not last, and for many different reasons. But don’t expect all your needs to be met by just one person. Reflect on what is “good enough” in your partnership. Is there a way you can meet your own needs more effectively? Is there a willingness to improve individually and together? Even if you feel as if you have found a “good enough” partnership, you can still continue to improve your connection, and grow and learn from the relationship. When I work with couples, I will ask about earlier times in their relationship to see the good that pulled them together. I look for the glue that could hold them together. Something was there once - where has it gone? Through comparing less and having a “good enough” mindset, you can potentially increase the odds of saving your partnership. You may even open up the opportunity for something even greater together.

Trust is key in any successful relationship, but we often think about it as the trust only between partners. But I’m curious, do you trust yourself? Just as we need to learn to open ourselves to trust between each other, you can improve your relationship by trusting yourself. When you learn to trust your abilities, boundaries, and actions, you become empowered to create the relationship that you want. What is Self Trust? In an article in Psychology Today, the authors Linda and Charlie Blook of “Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truths from Real Couples About Lasting Love, in write: Self-trust is not trusting yourself to know all the answers, nor is it believing that you will always do the right things. It’s having the conviction that you will be kind and respectful to yourself regardless of the outcome of your efforts. Self trust is the reliance on the integrity of the self. When you can be present to your inner knowing, your confidence builds. You’re able to make choices and get out of the hemming and hawing over what you should do. You listen to yourself, and trust that you have the answers within. Does self-awareness sound scary or even a little too “woo-woo” for you? In today’s world, it makes sense that you might feel that way. It is easy to be pulled away from listening to ourselves when we have access to all of the information we want literally in the palm of our hand. We can ask Siri or Google to answer our questions, and have become trained to want that instant gratification. There have been many times when I am lying in bed at night, and a thought comes up. I grab my phone to make a note, or research a book, or look up information. My kids think it’s crazy that we even had to wait for a certain day of the week and a specific time to watch our favorite tv shows. Our expectations of instant gratification mean we need to relearn to wait, to tune in, and listen to our inner voice. It is a practice. “Self-trust is the first secret of success.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson The Benefits of Building Self Trust The more you build up your self trust, the more empowered you will become in your own life and relationships. You will feel more comfortable in your ability to make decisions, take action, and be a creator. As a creator, you take action to build the life and relationships that you want! No more sitting back worrying, hoping, and wishing for things to change. Rather, you align yourself to your wish (perhaps a closer relationship with your partner), and decide to move forward with it. You get resources, take action, and become the person you need to be in order to have what you want. A creator doesn’t fall victim to circumstance, but instead takes life into their own hands. It isn’t a power over others, but an empowerment from within. To learn more about self empowerment, I encourage you to read Brene Brown’s work on power, taken from her book "Dare to Lead". A Self Trust Story A sure sign that you need to work on your self trust is when you begin to feel resentful within your relationship. Take my client Suzy, for example. When she came to me, she was sure things were over with her husband, Bob. She kept trying to talk to him about how she was feeling, but felt that nothing would ever change. She was tired of feeling like she was the only one trying. She was unhappy and resentful. She was also frustrated with her husband and herself. Her inner critic was speaking up, shouting that “this isn’t the life you want! This isn’t who you want to be!” As a result, her confidence was down the drain. She was out of alignment, and had fallen into a mindset of hopelessness and victimhood. From the outside, I could see that Suzy had lost trust in herself. She needed to befriend her inner critic, and welcome her presence as an opportunity to grow. In our time together, we worked on answering questions such as: Why is your inner critic showing up at this moment? What does she want you to see in the situation? Are you being clear about what you want and need, and what it takes to satisfy those needs? Who have you given responsibility for your needs? Yourself, or Bob? Of course, Bob has responsibilities to Suzy in their relationship. But as individuals, we are responsible for ourselves and ensuring our needs get met. Thus, I supported Suzy to help her find clarity on what she really wanted, and get the resources within and around her to meet those needs. Soon, Suzy was taking actions to create the life she wanted, and was no longer waiting for Bob to make that happen. She also realized that she didn’t want her marriage to end, and had the confidence that she’d know what to do in order to take care of herself and the relationship. It just so happened that Bob began to respond more as Suzy was becoming more confident and open. An empowered woman is sexy and creates attraction, so it made sense that Bob was feeling a renewed draw toward her. Suzy was acting how she wanted to be in her marriage, and her modeling started to rub off on Bob. The positive feedback from Bob only fueled her playfulness more! Suzy felt confident and trusted in her ability to handle whatever came up, and her relationship improved as a result. Build Your Self Trust Are you wanting to build your self-trust? Start with these tips and connect with your inner voice to build your confidence that you know what to do. 1. Be present. Learn to catch yourself when you are looking to the past or worrying about the future. Stop and take deep breaths to bring yourself back to the present moment and home to yourself. One way to do this is to imagine yourself connected to all the things, people and situations around you by ribbons. Slowly imagine those ribbons releasing what is tethered to you, until only you are left. Sit with this feeling. What is left? What feels true for you? 2. Raise your standards for yourself. A standard is a quality that you value and want for yourself. For example, to become more kind, loving, open, and curious. This is a vision of who you want to become, not an expectation of what will happen. When you have expectations, you are giving power to passive desires, instead of believing in your power to create what you want. 3. Activate yourself. Are you being passive or active in the vision of the life and relationships you want? This goes back to raising your standards versus having expectations. When you are being active, you take action and do the things that are hard or uncomfortable. You work to become the person you want to be, and to create the life and relationships you want. 4. Be kind to yourself. If you tend to allow your inner critic to show up without boundaries then you might be creating more hurt than growth. Befriend your inner critic and ask yourself the same questions posed to Suzy: Why is your inner critic showing up at this moment? What are you needing to see in this situation? Are you being clear about what you need? What do you have to have to get your needs met? Are you putting the responsibility on someone else to meet them? 5. Be S.M.A.R.T. When communicating your needs, remember the S.M.A.R.T. acronym. Be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timely in your requests. Before you attempt to talk with your partner, check in and make sure you are clear about what is coming up for you, the experience it is triggering, and that your request is S.M.A.R.T. It isn’t a coincidence that when you do the inner work with yourself, your relationships will improve. As you learn self trust, you will become clearer in your needs, and more confident in your ability to get those needs met. This translates to your relationship as clear communication, boundaries, and taking responsibility for what is yours.

“If we do not trust one another, we are already defeated.” — Alison Croggon Trust and vulnerability are key to a relationship wherein both parties feel safe, seen, and understood. Without trust, we cannot have a close, intimate relationship. Instead, you end up walking on eggshells with your partner or find yourself reacting in defense to the slightest threat. Whether it was lost or never there in the first place, it’s essential to build trust in your relationship to create the safe place that you’re looking for with your partner. What Mistrust Looks Like No matter the reason for lack of trust in a relationship, it tends to look the same. When you can’t trust your partner or the relationship, you will find yourself in constant “survival mode”. When you are in a state of flight, fight, or freeze, you can’t allow yourself to be vulnerable. Thus, when a triggering moment arises, your instinct tells you to react on the defensive. In turn, your partner will react with their own fight/flight/defend response. You feel like your safety is still under threat, so you maintain your position. This vicious cycle continues with each of you dancing around the conflict, wounding each other over and over again. Read More: Decline the Invitation: How to Step Out of Relationship Conflicts Why Trust May be Missing in Your Relationship The “dance” of conflict that arises from mistrust in a relationship looks similar from my counselling point of view; but there are many potential reasons for lack of trust between partners. Infidelity and Secrets Cheating is probably one of the clearest reasons trust is harmed, but infidelity in a relationship has less obvious disguises. In his article After Cheating: Restoring Relationship Trust, Robert Weiss, Ph.D, defines infidelity as the breaking of trust that occurs when you deliberately keep intimate, meaningful secrets from your primary romantic partner. Purposely keeping secrets, for whatever reason you have created, can wreak havoc on the trust in your relationship. In fact, withholding decisions, information, or any part of yourself can lead to an atmosphere of insecurity in the relationship. Past Relationships The people around us have a very definite influence on the stories we tell ourselves about trust in relationships. Perhaps you were cheated on in the past, making you believe that everyone will eventually cheat on you. Maybe a parent cheated or often lied to your other parent, or even abandoned your family. None of these are enviable experiences, and these types of past events can become reference points for the narrative you have come to believe about yourself, your partner or relationships. Self-Fulfilling Prophecies You may even be contributing to a self-fulfilling prophecy by maintaining old limiting beliefs around trust. By holding on to these outdated stories, you will make decisions and act from this “misinformed” place. For example, if you have trust issues because your father abandoned your family, you may have a belief that you can’t trust anyone to really be there for you. As you carry this belief around, you may question your partner about their behavior, or feel like at any moment the floor will cave in under you. Now imagine how your partner might feel and how they might respond if you go to that survival mindset when things get uncomfortable. They will be on the defense, and their own survival tactics will kick in, perhaps by pulling away. You have just created the very situation you feared the most. Self Esteem This could be a whole other post in itself, but mistrust in a relationship doesn’t always mean you have experienced cheating, infidelity, or abandonment. It can also show up when we don’t believe we deserve to have a safe place to come to, or that we don’t have someone who will listen and accept us for who we are. These issues can run deep - but it doesn’t mean you can’t learn to be vulnerable. Moving Towards Trust Before you start to build trust into your relationship, you need to identify why the trust is missing and the limiting beliefs that are holding you back. In an article written on the Gottman blog, Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW, shares some ways to bring those limiting beliefs to the surface: What is the story I’m telling myself? Does my fear of loss and abandonment cloud my perspective and cause me to overreact to my partner’s actions? Is my mistrust coming from something that is actually happening in the present, or is it related to my past? Do I feel comfortable asking for what I need and allowing myself to be vulnerable? Do I bring my best self to my interactions with my partner? Do I possess self-love and allow myself to be loved and respected? Asking yourself these powerful questions will help you become more aware of the stories you’ve been carrying around that are hurting your ability to maintain a healthy relationship. No matter the reason for the lack of trust in your relationship, it’s essential to understand if your story is maintaining part of the problem. If you have trust issues because someone has cheated on you, it is not your fault. Other people's actions are a choice and one in which we are not responsible for. You are, however, responsible for yourself. If you are making choices from a place of scarcity, fear, and mistrust, then it is wise to take a look at what you need to do for yourself to get out of this place. We should be thriving, not surviving! Read More: Change Your Beliefs, Change Your Story 5 Ways to Build Trust Into Your Relationship Continual, survival-based reactions will create more mistrust in your relationship. I teach my clients how to stop reacting and start responding to one another, not take what their partner does or says personally, and to hold a safe space to move through whatever is coming up for each of them. When you are ready to embrace vulnerability and build trust into your relationship, try using the following strategies that I share with my clients: Establish boundaries. When your partner does or says something that triggers hurt or an old wound, learn to recognize the warning sign and acknowledge the trigger. You will know because something shifts in you. Maybe you move to anger, but it almost always will trigger you to want to defend, attack back, justify or explain yourself. These are all signs that you have been triggered. When this happens, put your reaction in a safe bubble to address when it is the right time. This will help you to be less reactive and learn to respond more consciously. Practice listening and sharing openly. Being a better listener to your partner will help you respond effectively. Take the time to hear what they are saying, and try to “listen between the lines”. You might be hearing an attack, but what’s underneath it? Like an iceberg, you are just seeing one part of the issue on the surface. To understand what is really going on, you must explore the depths. So become a curious observer and listen closely. When it is your turn to share, be open to sharing the truth of what is coming up for you. Create a container to hold the conversation. In order for you to understand the depths of an issue, you must be willing to hold a space for what’s really there. If you collapse at the first sign of intensity or discomfort (avoidance, not listening, dismissing, or pulling away), you will send a message to your partner that this is not a safe place. Alarms will go off and the dance of conflict will ensue. Don’t be afraid to ask your partner to hold the container and practice #2. Have routine talks. Most of the couples I work with have avoided their issues for far too long. Planning regular conversations will ensure you don’t keep avoiding the elephant in the room. When you address things while they are small, it is easier to get to the depths of the issue, heal, and move forward. Build your confidence. Practice confidence around asking clearly and specifically for what you need. You may want something different in your relationship, but if you aren’t clear what that is, it’s less likely to happen. We get what we focus on, so if you are focused on what you aren’t getting, you will receive more of the same. Instead, make a SMART request: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. Incorporate all of these criteria to help focus your request and increase the chances of getting your need met. Building trust into your relationship means becoming vulnerable and changing how you have been thinking and doing things. Neither are easy! But in order to reach the loving and safe relationship you desire, you need to make the effort to grow yourself - so the relationship can grow, too.

Growing and changing your relationship for the better will always come with setbacks Though we all dream of that “perfect” relationship where everything is sunshine and rainbows, I can tell you from my years as a couples counselor that it doesn’t exist. Even the happiest and compatible of all couples have ups and downs. Relationships take work - and that’s why it’s so frustrating when you are putting in the work, and you suddenly find yourself back where you started. You’ve had a “relationship relapse.” It happens with a lot of couples I coach, and it can be disheartening; it may even trigger anger or a sense of hopelessness. I’ve learned to see these relapses as part of the process of change, and help my couples move out of a Stuck Cycle into a supportive, Regenerative Cycle. When you view change as a fluctuating process, rather than an A to B journey, you are more willing to pick yourself up again and keep moving forward toward the desired change. I learned the idea of the Stuck Cycle and Regenerative Cycle in my training as a Simplicity Parenting Family Coach. It’s from Kim John Payne’s Simplicity Parenting model, but it’s just as applicable to romantic relationships. What the Stuck Cycle Looks Like A cycle is something that repeats over and over. In the case of the Stuck Cycle, you experience temporary change, but end up back where you began. This is how the cycle plays out: Dissatisfaction: One or both of you are unhappy with something in your relationship, and desire change. For example, you aren’t communicating well, which is causing conflict. Hope: You intend to change things, so feel hopeful about the future. Perhaps you have sought out resources, seen a professional, and have a plan. Success: The plan is working, and you see positive changes in your relationship. Fall Away: Over time, old habits start to creep in and old behaviors start to reappear. Things aren’t going so well anymore, and this is where people get stuck. Failure: A sense of failure starts to creep in and take up space in your head. What we think and feel directly impacts our actions, which leads directly to... Despair: Perhaps you think nothing is ever going to change, or you become critical of your partner again. And then your inner critic ramps up, creating... Shame: You are ashamed that all of that hard work went nowhere. But eventually, the dissatisfaction in the relationship motivates you to start the cycle all over again. Patterns like this are a deep part of relationships, and are hard to change. I’ve talked about these patterns before as a sort of dance; you become accustomed to your partner’s reaction to something, and you react in your same patterned ways. This is what makes change challenging, but not impossible! The Regenerative Cycle: Riding the Waves By switching how we view growth and change, we are more likely to succeed at it. The alternative to the Stuck Cycle is also repetitive, but instead of circling back to the beginning, we learn from our past successes and build on them after we “fail”. This creates more of a wave-pattern in the relationship. Kim John Paynce calls this The Simplicity Parenting Change Wave. There are highs and lows, but you keep growing and moving forward. Note how Kim John Payne also uses different terms in this Regenerative Cycle, to reflect a change in mindset in this approach. I firmly believe that when you change the story in your mind, you can change your relationship, and that is illustrated here. Dissatisfaction: Again, dissatisfaction creates the desire for change. Imagine: You dream about what is possible in your relationship. Design: You create a plan of action through education, resources, or outside help. Fulfil: Through following your plan, you see positive results in your relationship, and things are feeling good again. Celebrate: I believe couples often skip this part. Celebrate what is working in your relationship! This will help you stay motivated to continue on the path you are on. Fall Away: Because habits are hard to change, old negative behaviors still will creep in as you fall away from the changes you have made. Failure: A sense of failure is normal, but it is how you react this time that changes things. Recall a Strength: Rather than falling into despair and shame, you identify what did go well, and use that as a starting place to attach the dissatisfaction anew. When you recognise the flux in change, you are more likely to be compassionate when you fall away again. It becomes easier to predict falling away and failure as necessary for change, and you will begin to value these stages as learning opportunities. Each time this cycle repeats, you begin from a stronger place in the relationship, seeing larger successes to celebrate. The next time you want to create change in your relationship, try using this framework, and keep riding the waves. *Images from Simplicity Parenting

Have you been feeling distant from your partner lately? When one or both partners pull away from the relationship, it can feel lonely. You don’t talk about much more than what’s for dinner or what you should watch on tv that night, and your partnership may feel very one-sided. But what is causing the divide? And even more importantly, how can you fix it before it’s too late? Why Partners Pull Away The slow pull away from your partner can happen consciously or happen over the course of years. In the latter case, we get busy with day to day life, wrapped up in work, family, and the home, and stop taking the time to connect deeply with our partners. Then one day, you wake up and feel like you barely know one another any more! You have both been changing and growing without including the other. On the other hand, some partners pull away due to conflict. Rather than engage again in the same argument or negative pattern, it becomes easier to simply pull away. It’s a way of protecting yourself so you don’t get hurt again. But if you are avoiding interacting within your relationship, you may as well be roommates rather than romantic partners. You can’t have a healthy relationship if you aren’t committed to maintaining it. Read more: Decline the Invitation: How to Step Out of Relationship Conflicts The Consequences of Emotional Distance Once emotional distance is established, you might be thinking “why bother?”. It may feel easier to pull away than to open yourself up to your partner and make the move to become closer again. It may feel easier, because being vulnerable is scary. Yet the alternative, avoidance, is much worse. Sidestepping the truth will keep tripping you up each time you come upon it. Even though it might feel easier to pull away and keep your distance, it will only increase the distance between you. This is often accompanied by loneliness, resentment, and even anger, depending how long you have been doing down this path. So before you have moved so far apart that you feel like you will never find each other again, take a chance to rebuild your bridges. How to Feel Closer to Your Partner Again Whatever the reason there is distance between you and your partner, there are ways to close the gap between you. 1. Start communicating again. Most couples that come to me for support tell me that they lack communication. Guess what? The number one way to improve communication between the two of you is to start talking again! The trick is to take time to talk about real things. Go for a walk, and ask how they are feeling in the relationship, how they are feeling about life these days, and go deeper than the day-to-day conversations. Do you remember when you first started dating, and you could talk for hours about everything and nothing? You were discovering one another. There is still more to discover! It may be even more important now that you are sharing your lives together. Check in with each other, and listen. 2. Touch your partner. Physical connection is essential to the survival of a relationship, and when there is a disconnect emotionally, there is usually physical distance as well. Simple acts of affection like a soft touch, holding hands, a hug, or a kiss can all be bids for connection. 3. Be nice and avoid criticism. When needs go unmet, we tend to jump into survival mode and put up our guard. We do this to protect ourselves from being hurt more. Yet this constant defense mode means we will attack the slightest threat. Microaggressions like rolling eyes, name-calling, saying "whatever," and other daily slights can be devastating to your relationship. Try to be more aware of any microaggressions and stop them; be more conscious to find kind words to express to your partner. Are you trying to do better in your relationship, but keep slipping up? Read more on how to handle these little slips. 4. Learn your partner’s love language. You may think that you do things nice for your lover, but you may not be doing the things that meet their need to feel loved. If you aren’t sure about what they need to feel loved, ask them for a list of actions that say “I love you” to them. You can also look to the past for things that you used to do for one another that you’ve stopped doing. Their own demonstration of love to you may be their own love language, since we often give love the way we like to be loved. Learn more about the 5 Love Languages for more ideas on how to show love to your partner. No matter who is pulling away in the relationship, there is an opportunity for you to shift the way things are going. Yes, it may feel “risky” to put yourself out there again. But in the end, taking that risk may be the one thing that saves the relationship and shifts the way you handle discomfort in the future.

Couples drift apart for many reasons, and we don’t always see it coming. Once we feel secure in our relationship, it can be easy to stop working on it; and then there are the daily demands of work, kids, appointments. Let’s not even talk about screen time! If this sounds familiar to you, here are three signs that it’s definitely time to reconnect with your partner - and how to go about doing it. Do You Need to Reconnect With Your Partner? Are you wondering if it is just a phase, or are you really disconnected from your partner? The below are three common signs I see in couples who have drifted apart: You are experiencing negative emotions. When you are feeling disconnected from your partner, this can manifest as feelings of loneliness, sadness, worry, and even anger. Are you snapping at each other more? Feeling anxious for no apparent reason? There are a lot of individual reasons these feelings may show up, but it ultimately boils down to your need(s) not being met. You question the security of your relationship. Detachment leads to uncertainty, and may cause you to wonder where you stand with your partner. It’s hard to stay connected when you don’t know the status of the relationship… and when you don’t know the status of the relationship, you distance yourself. It is a circular pattern that keeps turning until we do something to stop it. You are lost in routine. Routine itself is not the enemy, but just “going through the motions” of your life is. As you allow daily distractions to come between you and your partner, slowly you will lose touch with them. Sure, you might pass by each other or talk about your day, but do you feel engaged during these interactions? Connection is essential in a healthy relationship. If you aren’t connecting, then you aren’t growing together, though you will grow apart. If you feel like your relationship is slipping away, it’s time to get conscious about strengthening your bond. Tips to Reconnect with Your Partner We all have the power to change things in our lives. If you are yearning to reconnect with your partner, you can have what you want; you just need to create it. The ultimate goal is to be more conscious in your efforts to build that connection, and the first step is to decide what it looks like. Consider what you want your relationship to look like, and commit to making things different in order to get there. Once you’ve made the decision to change things, you can do your part by using these effective strategies to rebuild connection with your partner. Plan times to connect. Don’t walk away from, avoid, or ignore the disconnect in your relationship. No, this doesn’t mean making a list of what’s wrong with how your partner is acting. Rather, think about filling the gap. What can you do to help you feel more in sync with your partner? Think about what you used to do together. What would you like to do now? Start planning and doing things that will bring you closer. This could be scheduling a date, eating lunch together, calling them at work, or bringing them a coffee. It is time to make an effort, again. Meet their emotional needs. Think about what emotional needs are most important to your partner, and help to meet those needs in the specific ways that they like. For example, hugging them more, or doing the dishes when it isn’t your turn. When you give to the relationship, your partner will feel loved and cared for, which will help to close the divide between you. Communicate your own needs. During these types of talks, using “I” statements is key, as is approaching the situation calmly and without a threatening stance. This helps avoid a defensive response from the other person. For example: “I feel disappointed that we haven’t been spending as much time together as we used to.” Let them know that this is how you have been feeling, and that these are your feelings, not how they have to feel. Take the time to ask how they are feeling, as well. “How do you feel about the time we spend together?” Be sure to acknowledge and accept their feelings, like you want yours to be received. Ask for what you need. When you are clear and specific about what you need and want, it is more likely that your needs will be met. Present your needs in clear, behavioral requests, like: “I would like it if we could plan a date night each week to spend time away from the house and kids.” Staying connected in your relationships takes effort. It is so easy to lose that in today’s busy world. Think of ways to build connection back into your relationships and be calm, clear and assertive when it comes to addressing your needs. Knowing what is bothering you, owning your thoughts and feelings, and addressing the issue in a conscious effort to get your needs met will prove to be effective.

Many people assume that we are born with our beliefs, and we need to be unwavering in them. This is also true about our relationships and how we imagine they should be. Rather, beliefs are the thoughts that you have told yourself over and over again; so many times that you believe it to be true. So your beliefs about why things are the way they are in your relationship, or why your partner is the way they are, are stories you created in your own mind. Even the deepest beliefs that we have about ourselves and the world are stories that we have created for ourselves. These belief-stories are molded by our childhood experiences, socialization, and every single experience we’ve ever had. Each experience that confirms our beliefs then helps to solidify and strengthen them that much more. The good news is that it’s possible to change both our beliefs and the stories we tell ourselves. Rebuilding Your Beliefs to Create a Better Story Your beliefs are like a foundation beneath a house. Like walls, floors, and doors are built upon a foundation, our beliefs hold up our world view, opinions, and how we process things. If that foundation isn’t solid, has cracks, or leans to one side, the home that rests upon it will not be solid and safe. Your beliefs about your relationships are like that foundation - but it doesn’t mean you can’t excavate and reconstruct it. When you react to something based on your beliefs, you are creating a story about the person or the situation. However, if you are able to pull back to see the bigger picture, you will see that there isn’t only one possibility. For example, if your partner retreats and seems to avoid conflict when it arises, you may tell yourself that they don’t care about you or the problem. You have created a meaning around the situation that may or may not be true. It feels like the truth, because of your foundational beliefs. Perhaps you saw this type of behaviour in your parents’ unhappy marriage. Or maybe a previous partner of yours acted this way and ended up breaking your heart. By identifying certain beliefs that aren’t working for you, you can rebuild them in order to create a better story for yourself and your relationship. How to Find the Bigger Picture It is very empowering to take a step back to see what you have control over, and what you have the ability to change. It requires you to step back and see things from a wider lens, which can alter the story you tell yourself. One way to do this is to ask the question: “What am I doing that isn’t working?” Asking questions about your own behavior doesn’t mean you are solely responsible for the relationship problems, and it is not meant to blame you. Rather, it is meant to open you up to possibilities, and help you learn more about yourself. Read more about asking yourself better questions “Every time we ask a question, we’re generating a possible version of a life.” David Epston When you ask yourself good questions about your perspective or your beliefs, you may come to some surprising conclusions. You might recognize that you need to let your partner know what you need more clearly. Or you may see that you need to establish clearer boundaries, or learn not to enter the “dance” of cyclical conflict. Practice the Art of Conscious Relating Conscious relating occurs when you are able to drop your preconceived beliefs, and relate from a place of awareness and authenticity. One way to start this practice is to imagine your internal stories as a movie. Think of a story you tell yourself about your relationship, and instead imagine it being played out on a movie screen in front of you. You are sitting there, watching from the outside as an observer. Try and remove yourself even further from the story, and “watch” from up in the projector room as the story plays out. Is there a difference in the way you see things? With practice, you can use this exercise when issues arise with your partner. Put the interaction on the screen and sit back in the theatre seat to watch the situation play out. Notice what the two of you are doing together. How are you contributing to this dance? What do you notice your partner does in reaction to what you do, and then how do you react? How do they respond next? Watch this dance play out, and see what new ideas come out of this expanded view of the problem. Changing Beliefs Creates Possibility As you practice expanding the picture, you will start to shift your beliefs as well. You may notice that you move from a belief that “things will never change unless my partner changes,” to “I can change my part and see what happens.” You have the power to change your story from one of disempowerment to one of possibility.

Every interaction in your relationship gives you a chance to change the direction of what will come next. We each have the power to shift our part, thus creating the opportunity for a different outcome. It sounds simple, but what does it really mean? Giving in? Admitting we are wrong? No to both! “Shifting your part” means becoming conscious about what is really happening, and stepping out of the relationship “dance” that has become a habit. The Dance The reason your reaction to your partner is so critical isn’t because you are responsible for the whole situation. Rather, it is because you have power to create change (if you want to), and shift the “dance” into something new. I speak of the dance often because it happens in every relationship! It is the back and forth, predictable negative behaviors that we do. Your partner says something that triggers you, making your stress levels go up. Your protective shield goes up, and you react with some version of fight, flight, or freeze. Your reaction then triggers your partner’s stress to an even higher level. They react, and both your wounds become deeper. After the dance, two wounded and disconnected humans are left feeling unheard, frustrated, and even angry. Without an effort to repair this back and forth, the relationship will soon be depleted. When you are feeling hurt, it isn’t easy to take responsibility for your part in the dance; however, you can still honor your pain without taking away from your partner’s, by differentiating your boundaries. "Healthy differentiation involves learning to tolerate disharmony, embrace differences, self-soothe, offer compassion, and set boundaries." Relationship coach, Lashell Lowe-Charde It's About Separating Yourself When you are reacting to a situation (which is different from responding), your thoughts may look like: “How could they? Why do they…? How dare they!” These come from a wounded place - the first level of relating. There are two big issues happening at this level. The first is that the focus is on the self: “I am being treated badly. I am not appreciated.” You aren’t giving any space to your partner. The second problem is that there are no visible boundaries. So when you look at the problem from an outside perspective, there appears to be no separation for who’s problem it is. For example, he has a problem with something, and deals with it ineffectively by attacking you. You react from a wounded place (I’m hurt), making the problem yours. He again reacts, and now the two of you are “dancing” in circles… With his original problem not being addressed. There is no healing, and the relationship suffers. Read more about the different levels of relationships. The second level of relationships is more about negotiating: you treat me better, and I’ll treat you better. Yes, it’s a step up, but it’s not likely to last - especially if one partner slips up. This is okay for awhile… but who wants to just be OKAY in their relationship? Growing is part of thriving, and to expand your relationship you need to take it up a notch, to the third level. This requires you to learn to respond (not react) from a place of unconditional love for yourself and your partner. There is separation (differentiation) while still staying close. When we can separate our own "stuff" from the other person’s and see their behavior from a place of unconditional love, we can respond with intention. Read more about what to do when YOU slip up! How to Change Your Reaction to Your Partner Let’s use an example to learn how to separate yourself from and change your reaction to your partner, in order to change the negative “dance” in your relationship. Jeff gets irate when “the house is a mess.” His wife, Diane, understandably feels hurt by the way he communicates his feelings with anger. She thinks to herself, “How could he love me if he keeps treating me this way?” It makes sense that she prepares herself for these verbal attacks, ready to defend herself and counterattack from this vulnerable place. Yet this only adds to her hurt, because he doesn’t respond with empathy to her reaction - and instead attacks her again. This circular dance has gone on for years, leaving much damage in its wake. While difficult, one way to stop the cycle is for Diane to respond with unconditional love for herself and Jeff with boundaries. Perhaps Diane can recognize her partner’s need to control things around him, possibly from a feeling of overwhelm and uncertainty. She may need to recognize that he doesn’t have the skills to move through those feelings. First, she must not take on the problem in the moment. Of course she has a problem with how Jeff is dealing with his problem and how he is treating her; but as soon as Diane makes it about herself (“I feel hurt”), she takes responsibility away from him because now he doesn’t own the problem. When you take a detour to the complicated back and forth dance, the original issue gets muddled. Rather, Diane needs to stay with the core issue, allowing the problem to belong to Jeff. She can do this by becoming a curious witness to the situation. Become A Witness We all know how good it feels to be seen (witnessed), and to have someone listen to us. When Diane listens without reacting and then reflects on the issue, Jeff hears the problem echoed back. This gives him a chance to think about what he wants to say next. We want to invite that frontal cortex to kick in and processing to occur. You want your partner to get clear about their problem and begin to own it. What is it, how did it get triggered, and where do you need support? Mirroring can help that happen. For Jeff and Diane, it could look like this: J: The house is a disaster! It looks like you don’t do anything around here! I can’t find my slippers, because you didn’t clean up. I hate living in a pigsty all the time! D: The house is a mess, and I haven’t done anything. Jeff hears out loud what he just said, and can take it in. He may not soften, and could attack Diane again. J: Exactly! What did you do all day, anyway? It clearly wasn’t anything around the house! D: I didn’t do anything around the house today. Again, she mirrors back to him what he is saying, separating his problem from her. Soon, he will realize he doesn’t have to fight anymore, because Diane is not in fight mode. She has given him the opportunity to make a different choice, because she herself did the same. Ideally, Jeff will start to own what is true for him, and begin to address his issue with more clarity. And Diane can support him in that by staying curious, connected, yet separated. Her own thoughts, feelings, and opinions are not the point just now. She is listening to Jeff, and taking him through the process. D: I hear you saying that the visual clutter makes you anxious. What would feel supportive for you? She isn’t offering solutions, but waiting for answers - giving him a chance to put words to what he needs. He may not be able to do this at first, but he will get better over time if given the space to try and to grow. After his turn is up, Diane can ask to be heard. If Jeff doesn’t know how, she will need to be specific and clear to help him learn. D: I would like you to mirror my words. Just listen. Hold it all until I get it all out. See it from my perspective and respond from there. If Jeff can’t do it at that moment, Diane should let him know it’s important, and that she needs him to agree to come back to it ASAP. Another approach could be "I would appreciate it if you would _____." He may need some space to find the right mindset, until he learns how to better separate his “stuff” from hers. Find a Place for Kindness In all of this, we need to find space for kindness. Men are not traditionally socialized to be relational, so aren’t always skilled in this area. Women on the other hand, have often learned to sacrifice their needs, and don’t always ask for what they need directly. Practicing will strengthen these “relational muscles”, and requires us to better our relationships with ourselves. Changing your reaction to your partner into a conscious response is challenging. But with practice - and possibly with guidance from a professional - it will become easier. It takes two to dance the tango, but only one to change to the cha-cha.

Are you feeling tired, resentful, or guilty in your relationship(s)? Do you feel like you are “doing it all”, and feel alone and unsupported? When you feel depleted like this, resentment will start to build. With resentment comes disconnection. And when you are disconnected, it becomes even harder to voice your needs. Do you see the circular pattern here? Feeling resentment or anger over your situation is a clear sign that an emotional need(s) is not being met. You desire to be recognized and appreciated, but no matter what you have tried, you don’t feel like you are getting what you need. But how did this happen? And more importantly, how can it be fixed? Why Your Needs Aren’t Being Met When you are caught up in the emotional intensity of what you are experiencing, it can be difficult to see the whole picture. We may think we have tried different ways to get our partner to understand what we need, or we assume that they should know these things. But too often, we stay in our old patterns and simply do more of the same. We keep swimming in the same circles, and nothing changes. In order to affect change, a shift in perspective is key. Yet we can lose sight of where we stand vs the other person in our relationship, making it hard to find the perspective we need. While you might feel like you are on the opposite side of the fence from your partner, in reality the boundaries are blurred. You have become emotionally enmeshed. Emotional Enmeshment Enmeshment is when two people feel each other’s emotions, and is an emotional reaction to the other person. If your partner’s emotions escalate and you react to their emotions, the boundaries of who is responsible for those emotions become blurred. You are taking on the responsibility for your partner’s emotional state. For example, your partner is feeling anxious and depressed about work, so you feel anxious and depressed as well. Or perhaps they are angry about something you did or didn’t do, and you react with anger. Your reaction means that you are taking on ownership of the problem and feelings. Now it is a problem between the two of you, rather than theirs. You have fallen into the trap of taking on the responsibility of others (“doing it all” in the relationship). In order to clarify who the emotion/problem belongs to, boundaries must be set and honored. You can start with yourself, and stop reacting and taking ownership of your partner’s emotions. This is being responsible to yourself and your relationship, rather than for it. It will be a big relief when you stop taking on more than you need to. And when you respond rather than react, your partner will be able to better take ownership of their own response. Emotional Boundaries Boundaries are the lines that define where you begin and where another person begins. These lines represent a limit. Like a fence around a property, it defines your space and lets you know when someone has “crossed the line”. Emotional boundaries keep your emotions separate from those of others. When you are unclear about your boundaries, you are more likely to fall into the trap of taking on other people’s emotions. If you are trying to fix your partner’s problems or are avoiding conflict with them, you may be over functioning for them. This can turn into a vicious pattern of you doing more for him/her and your partner doing less. You may feel invisible. This hurts, and will lead to further disconnection between the two of you. Your boundaries are important so you aren’t taking on more than is required, but also so your partner can see who you are. Without boundaries, you are not fully showing up. It’s challenging for others to really experience you if they cannot see you. Clear boundaries make it easier for others to see you—your existence is defined. Most of us have not learned healthy emotional boundaries. Your childhood and life experiences may include situations where you received messages that your boundaries did not matter or even exist. As a child, you may not have had the words or the knowledge of your right to set your limits, and carried this with you into later relationships. As an adult, you now have the power to clearly define who you are, and create your boundaries. Learning what it means to establish healthy boundaries is your starting point. Speaking your truth and asking for what you need with clarity will come as you better understand what your boundaries are. And honoring your partner’s boundaries will further help you move from being responsible to your partner, not for them. It is in this way that we move away from resentment and toward connection, and a loving, supportive partnership.