Explore The Secrets To Thriving Within Your Relationship

Do you make your love relationship a priority? Do you make the time to nurture it? To grow in it? To meet your lover’s needs? Maybe you feel too tired in the day to allow time for your partner. I get it...we can all get busy and our priorities shift. Have they shifted at the expense of your relationship? When your relationship starts to slip down the priority list, the relationship will suffer. You can shift your priorities often enough to keep things balanced, but this may be too difficult to keep track of. Plus, who wants to keep a running account of how much you give to your relationship. Besides lack of time and priorities, certain behaviors can create distance and unhappiness in a relationship. Behaviors that are unhealthy and repeated over and over, can become toxic. A relationship in which there is physical and emotional abuse is a clear toxic relationship, but I am talking about specific behaviors that start to break down the relationship. These types of toxic behaviors accumulate and hurt your relationship. Consider your relationship like a bank account for a moment. This is not about keeping score but keeping it abundant. Wouldn’t you love to have a bank account that was full, that when you needed to make a withdraw or if you were in a bind, it would not feel so hard when it happened? It would ease you, it would bring peace to your life. Now, think about your relationship in the same way. Imagine it abundant and full of positivity. When your relationship account is full and you have a disagreement or even a bigger conflict, it will not deplete your account. By seeing it this way, you can be mindful that when you do withdraw, it is important to make deposits to bring the account back up again. In light of the new year and spring shortly upon us, I thought it would be interesting to challenge you to a relationship detox-ridding your relationship of any toxicity. Just like a body detox, that strengthens your immune system functioning and fights off infection, a relationship detox will help to strengthen your relationship and ward off negativity. What about your relationship? Could your relationship use a detox? Why not rid your relationship of any toxicity? I want to invite you to join me in this detoxification. You may feel your relationship is pretty good or even great. Hey, I am a pretty healthy person. I am mindful of what I eat. I am dairy and gluten free. I eat mostly organic and I exercise regularly. I still can benefit from a detox. Your relationship will, too! You may not contribute to a lot of toxicity in your relationship but there may be one or two behaviors that are toxic and your partner may do some, too. You both play a part in this relationship but it only takes one person to change it. In Part I of Relationship Detox, you will gain a better idea about which behaviors are toxic and begin examining your own relationship, taking note of what it is you can begin to change. In Part II, you will be given action steps to take to rid your relationship of toxic behaviors and instill behaviors that will strengthen your relationship. Here are some examples of toxic behaviors. There are more but these are common pitfalls a couple can fall into. 1) Passive-aggressive communication. This happens when you are angry or bothered, but not direct about your emotions. You may walk around the issue leaving little hints but never really saying what is really on your mind. This type of anger is destructive. It is easy to get off of the same page, so hoping your partner will figure out what it is you need is a sure way to trap yourselves in the pitfall of relationship hell. Say what is on your mind! Demonstrate healthy boundaries and make yourself heard by being clear and direct. 2) Threatening to End the Relationship. When things are not going well, it may sound like, “I don’t think I can do this anymore,” “If we don’t figure this out, I don’t think we will make it,” “I can’t be with someone that does this or won’t do this.” This type of behavior makes a mountain out of a mole hill. It does not allow for resolution and it just creates ill feelings among one another. It is important that you both make the time to talk about the problems and work through it until you can find a solution. Make a date just for talking about issues--an Executive Meeting. This meeting is only for bringing issues to the table, are done outside of the home in a public place to lessen the possibility of a blow up. Table issues throughout the week until your meeting. This will give both of you a chance to bring up issues and it is expected. 3) Avoiding time together. It may feel easier to just avoid talking with your partner about issues or time together. The uneasiness accumulates and breaks down communication even further. A hobby, kids, work, television, social media, and the internet are all ways that one can avoid time with their partner. Making the time to talk, connect and just be present for is important to the health of your relationship. 4) Bringing up the past. Do you remind your partner of something that happened in the past? Are you unable to forgive and let go? When past hurts are brought up in the present, the other person may feel hopeless, frustrated, even guilty about what had happened. It blocks any growth in the relationship. If you want to rebuild, it is time to forgive yourself for what had happened, to find a way to learn as a couple from the past, and come up with ideas for rebuilding trust into the relationship that you both can commit to. 5) Keeping score. In a low-level relationship, one person is usually keeping score. Making sure each person gets fair treatment. If you hurt me, I hurt you. If you get to do this, then I get that. It is all about me and making sure I am not losing or getting hurt. It is hard to be vulnerable and build an intimate relationship when there is competition in the relationship. Competitiveness may be more apparent in a young relationship where two individual people get together and working to form a “We.” The task of letting go of just taking care of self and learning to care and love your partner unconditionally comes with maturity of the relationship, and person, when one is committed to creating a conscious relationship. 6) Lying and manipulating. By withholding the truth, being dishonest or finding ways to make the relationship work only in your favor, are all surefire ways to deplete your relationship account quickly. Building and maintaining trust is an important skill for a couple to learn for the health and longevity of the relationship. This is just a short list of behaviors. What other behaviors can you think of that can be toxic to a relationship? Share them here, on my Facebook page and/or via E-Mail. Which behaviors do you do or have? Start this week by reviewing your own part. When you learn about your own self and patterns that contribute to the toxicity build-up in your relationship, and begin to do something better, you and your relationship will grow. Looking forward to detoxifying our relationships together! If you are dealing with a relationship struggle and want support, reach out to me for a FREE 55 minute Discovery Call. Email me Now!

Do you wonder why relationships don’t end up working out? Why couples end on bad terms? Why one or both sides want to give up? In order for relationships to be happy and successful, it does require that both parties feel that their needs are being met. In fact, a person may stay in a relationship even if it is not making them happy because at least one of their basic needs are being met. Add one or two other needs and it seems doable. Doable? This does not sound good at all! If most of a person’s needs are being met in the relationship, it is most likely the relationship will thrive and succeed. It is when needs are not being met that we see couples fighting and ready to end things, or finding ways to distract themselves from the pain/discomfort. Maybe it is making everything about the kids, working long hours, hobbies, or in some cases, an affair. If you are meeting your partners needs and vice versa, you are going to want to be around that person. The relationship will be fulfilling. This is not the only factor, of course likability, shared interests and polarity (or enough difference), play a part, too. Since meeting needs is vital to our survival, let’s focus on meeting the needs of our partners for the survival and thriving of the relationship. “Some think love can be measured by the amount of butterflies in their tummy. Others think love can be measured in bunches of flowers, or by using the words ‘forever.’ But love can only truly be measured by actions. It can be a small thing, such as peeling an orange for a person you love because you know they don’t like doing it.” — Marian Keyes Do you know your partner’s top needs? If you do, do you know specifically what she or he needs to meet those needs? This seems so basic and simple but this often gets overlooked. Maybe it is a comfort thing that we just settle into a relationship and forget to notice one another. Maybe it is an issue around prioritizing. Maybe it is a lost value. Whatever the reason, it is important to change things today. Your relationship, if you want it to be fulfilling, can’t be pushed to the back burner. So how do you make your relationship a priority? Start with focusing on meeting your partner’s needs. I like to use the 6 Human Needs Model developed by Tony Robbins. According to Tony, there are 4 basic human needs we must all meet and then 2 spiritual needs we each aspire to. Briefly, let’s explore these needs. As we do, think about which of these needs are most important to your partner? How about for you? On a scale of 1-10 where are you meeting these needs for your partner? At what level is your partner meeting your needs? Certainty is the first need and this has to do with the need for security, control, seeking comfort and avoiding pain. Uncertainty/Variety is the need for spontaneity, stimulus, or change. Significance is the need to feel like you matter, your important and worthy of attention. Love & Connection is the need for connection and to give and receive love. Growth is the need to develop and expand. Contribution is the need to give beyond yourself. Here is an assignment for the week to really bring more to your relationship: Make a date with your partner and ask him/her what are their top 2 needs. What would have to happen in order for that need to be met? How can you help? Get as specific as possible. You want an action that is measurable, for example, you will call me at lunch three times a week to say hello so I feel loved. If you can’t measure the behavior, keep asking questions until you get it from your partner. This may be a challenging task for your partner so be mindful, kind and patient. If you don’t have a partner right now, focus on your needs and what the rules are for meeting those needs. Clarity around your own needs can help you to seek out a partner that has similar top needs, and bonus…you will be well versed in knowing how to talk and ask questions to get that information from prospects. If you are a parent, explore what the top needs of your child are. How do you meet those needs? In what ways can you meet them? Remember though, children are meant to be children, so don’t focus on how they can meet your needs. You work on meeting your needs and those of your child--that is what adult relationships are for! So, if you feel like you are leaning on your child to meet certain needs, seek out a friend, professional or a new adult relationship to help you with that. Building your relationship up to be fulfilled and happy, can be as simple as focusing on meeting the needs of your partner. We all have a need to feel loved and that we matter. So when we feel our needs are important, we feel loved. Give to others around you by making them feel loved and meeting their needs and in return you will feel that love, because you are love. If you are dealing with a relationship struggle and want support, reach out to me for a free consultation session. Email cari@couplesandfamiles.com 20 Essential Tips for Creating Successful Relationships & Communicate with Feeling Get these two FREE gifts to help you to improve your relationships. GET IT NOW

It is easy for distance to creep into relationships today. Everyone is busy, busy these days. Running from one activity, or event, to the next. With all the meetings, appointments, events, and work getting in the way, time to connect may have gotten lost. By the end of the day, you probably just want to veg out and escape into a world of entertainment on the flat screen or surfing the web or social media. Somewhere down the line, the art of connection and communication got lost. The days of picking up the phone and making the time to connect with an old friend, or even your spouse during the middle of the day, may seem gone or maybe it is a "once in a while thing." Sending a quick text is easy as just pushing buttons, but connection is limited. Again, this is fine and for certain relationships this is just enough. But is it enough for your closest relationships? Your most intimate relationship—your marriage or partnership? We all need to feel loved and that we matter. This is a basic human need for everyone. I have learned that the best way to feel love is to be love--to give love. What better time to show love and to give it with no conditions than Valentine’s Day? Not that this should be the only time we do this, but start now. Start now and commit to doing this daily over the next 365 days. If you commit to taking action each day over the next year to deepen the connection in your love relationship, you will reap the benefits, or at least learn something new about your relationship. Sounds like a win-win to me! Add a reminder in your calendar each day so that you stay committed throughout the year. Turn on an alarm! Click Here to Join Our Mailing List and Receive Your Two FREE Gifts To Help You To Improve Your Relationships! Here are a handful of actions you may commit to in order to create more connection in your love relationship. You can commit to one or all. Just make a choice to do something that builds into your relationship. Stay checked-in. Don’t walk away, avoid or ignore the issues in your relationship. This does not mean start making a list and giving that to the other person. or place demands that he or she change. Think about filling in the gap. Start planning and doing things that will help you to feel more connected! Plan dates, go to lunch, make a phone call, send an email or a card, or talk over coffee. The list of activities to connect can be endless. What have you done in the past? What might you like to do now? What would your partner like? Make a personal list of ideas for connecting and start planning. Talk needs. We all have needs. What are yours? What about your lovers? Do you know what they are or how to meet them for your lover? Talk with your partner about his/her top needs and how to meet them. Turn around and do things, daily, to meet those needs. Focus on meeting your lover’s needs, give, love and you will feel love. When sharing your needs, present your needs in clear behavioral requests. For example, “I would really like it if we could plan a date each week to spend time alone, or I would like it if you could have dinner with me 2 nights a week.” The clearer and more specific you are the more likely your needs will get met. Be assertive. Let your spouse or partner know what you need. A great tool to use is “I” statements. For example, “I feel disappointed that we have not spent time together the way I liked before.” Adding in your emotions is key! This non-threatening approach is less likely to invite a defensive response/attack from your lover. Let him or her simply know that this is how you have been feeling and these are your feelings, not how they have to feel. Demonstrate that you own that these are your feelings and that you recognize that the other person may not feel the same way. Take 100% responsibility for yourself. It is important that you also take the time to ask about how they are feeling. “How do you feel about the time we spend together?” Acknowledge his or her feelings and accept how they feel. Give a smile, hug and kisses. The simple act of smiling at someone can uplift that person. Give your lover a smile or make sure you kiss or hug each day. You could even star gaze into your partner’s eyes for a few minutes. It may feel awkward at first to create this kind of deep connection but this type of vulnerability can just melt a person. So, melt away and allow your lover to open up to you. Share your appreciation. Most people want to feel like they matter and are loved. You can help provide this through sharing your appreciation for your lover. Tell your partner each day something you appreciate about them. Make them feel special. You will feel special in return! Staying connected in your relationships takes effort. It is so easy to lose that in today’s busy world. Think of ways to build connection back into your relationships and make things happen. Just saying you will do something to change your relationship is not the same, nor will it have the same impact as doing something to change the relationship. Best wishes & Happy Valentine’s Day!

When fear appears in our lives it can block us from moving forward. There are many different strategies to help you deal with fear. For one, you can identify at the root what beliefs contribute to the fear, when the belief developed, how it has impacted the decisions you have made in your life, and cultivate a new belief that is mobilizing. This is a great strategy…but not what I want to focus on today. I really want to talk about gratitude. I keep coming back to this as a strategy to use each and every day and in all kinds of situations. As a parent, I know that gratitude is what gets me through some of the most demanding days. When I forget to find gratitude, I become lost and focused all too much on what is not good. Focusing on problems does not allow you to find solutions. Gratitude, for me, is about being present and acknowledging all that is abundant in your life. Tony Robbins says it well, “When you are grateful, fear disappears and abundance appears.” Are you afraid that things are not going to work out? Spiral out-of-control? Or just get worse or too difficult? Fearing what will be will only paralyze you in moving forward and fulfilling that which you desire. I have countless stories of situations where something bad happened to me, but I was able to see the situation from a positive view. Just today, my two youngest boys were asking for one thing after another, being typical three-year old’s. I was starting to lose my patience and then I remembered that this will pass and that I am lucky to have the time with them. I am grateful that I have a break tomorrow in which I can focus on my stuff. This made me feel more full rather than being trapped in a mindset of deprivation and “poor me.” You have probably have had this happen to you. If I had stayed focused only on the negative, it would have dragged me down, I would have become reactive to their constant demands and hurt the connection between us. My emotional state would have been affected and in for some, depending on the situation, this can last for days, maybe weeks or years. But….I did not go down that path. Instead, I chose to find reasons to be grateful and suddenly the situation did not feel so bad. Things could be worse, right? Exactly! I realized that no matter how bad the situation, finding reasons to be grateful grounded me and life seemed doable. This can be applied to every aspect of your life! You can find gratitude at any given moment if you choose to do this. My kids are demanding every bit of me…I remind myself of what I do have and can be thankful for. Just being able to hear them cry or witness their challenges, I can feel less uneasiness just by framing the situation with gratitude. This shifts my emotional state and allows me to deal with them with greater ease. So, maybe fear is triggered by your belief that things will not work out, that you will not be happy, or that you won’t be loved. When it comes to dealing with fears, sure it makes sense to go deep and identify old beliefs, and you can also use the strategy of the gratitude frame to keep you moving forward and feeling filled with abundance.

One of the most difficult parts of being a mom is the constant demands day in and day out. Whether from the kids, spouse, work or other obligations, there is that feeling that no matter how much you do it is never enough and it never ends. You feel warn out and totally depleted. At the end of the day, you may (if you are lucky) sit back and think, “I can’t believe I have not stopped all day and I am exhausted.” Been there? I bet you have. We see ourselves as wanting it all and trying to make it happen. There is certainly nothing wrong with wanting more for yourself and your family, but at what expense? If you are feeling depleted and not taking care of yourself, how much do you really have to give to those you care about? Everyone is getting cheated! Are you actually feeling fulfilled or just filled to the rim? Don’t get me wrong, I am sure you have moments of joy in your life. Maybe it is when you see your child doing something kind or sweet. Maybe it is when your spouse says something really nice to you, or when you have accomplished something you didn’t think possible. These moments are important to snapshot in your mind and be grateful for, but feeling fulfilled as parents goes beyond these joyous moments. It is about being grateful more often than not. Can you feel joy if you are not grateful? You may try, but I believe the two go hand-in-hand. Gratitude helps us to feel open to the experiences that come our way, to embrace the uncertainty of life, and trust that you will find the strength to persevere. Gratitude shifts our state and allows us to be in a higher spiritual place giving and receiving love. This is where you want to be as a parent and lover. Be a person of love and share your gifts with others. But first… “Secure your own mask before you assist others.” If you travel by air, you have heard this advice given on every air flight before take-off. This is a great metaphor for how you can start to think about your own life. I am not talking about moving into a world of selfishness and focusing on what you don’t have or more of yourself. I am talking about self-care and love. Believing that you deserve love and care is vital. See, if you don’t believe you deserve it, then you do not believe you can have it. If you don’t believe you can have it, you will not seize the opportunity to take it. If you don’t love and care for yourself, how can you give it to others? To your kids? To your spouse or lover? You will, eventually feel depleted. The demands will drown you. You require self-care. This means scheduling time into your day and life moments where you tend to your own needs. It needs to be a priority so that you feel fulfilled with love for yourself, and can give love to those around you. This is not a focus, but a must and needs to become part of what you do. You do this for you because you love yourself and deserve it. Take the focus off of “me, me, me, or I, I, I,” and shift your focus on to “how can I be of help to others.” You are lucky to be a parent! What I love most about parenting is that there are so many opportunities in a given day for you to grow. This is such a great opportunity for you to say, “I want to be a better person/parent. I want to have a better life. I want more for my family.” This is a perfect time to decide to be a leader in your own life and a model for your kids. Seeing each moment as a gift, something to learn from and grow as a person, and to give to others are all key to living a more abundant life. If you can live with gratitude for all the good and bad, see challenges as an opportunity for growth, and not move into despair, you will positively change your life and those around you. Imagine what this will do for your children? Imagine the love you will be able to give them and to your spouse/lover? “Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more.” – Tony Robbins So, today when you feel those demands on you, and you notice yourself shift into a state of frustration, anger, doubt or despair, move yourself into gratitude. Find thanks for this opportunity to grow. Take care of yourself. Decide if you need to take breaths, a break, or make a date with yourself for some self-care, and then give to your child your unconditional love and attention. Help your child to meet his or her needs. Although this may seem like a lesson in self-care, and it partly is, more importantly it is about stepping into that person you can be, was born to be, and sharing all that you have to give to those you love. This is about shifting your focus from your problems and focus on gratitude and helping those around you. Make loving yourself part of what you do rather than what you focus on. Instead, focus on what you can bring to those around you and what will help you be the best you.

It is a new year and that means new year resolutions. It is so exciting at this time of year to think about your life in a new and positive light. To consider the possibilities for the future. How often do you think about the things you want versus the things you don’t want? Do you say to yourself “I don’t want to be unhappy anymore or I don’t want to be fat.” Maybe you say things like, “I am sick and tired of being tired all the time, or I am tired of yelling at my kids.” Whatever it is that you are tired of and no longer want in your life, the new year is an opportunity to focus on attracting all that you do want. You do not actually have to wait for the new year to do this but hey, it is a new year so let’s get the ball rolling. What is that thing you really have been wanting in your life? Is it more joy or happiness, a healthier lifestyle, a better time to go to bed at night, or a better handle on dealing with the kids? These are just some examples of wanting something rather than not wanting something. Put the intention out there starting now, that this is your year to make changes. This is your year to not just talk, but to commit, follow through and inspire others. Here is a handful of steps that can help you to bring your attention to what it is you desire, focus this attention and commit to making it happen. 1) Start by making a list of things you do want in your life. You may not be big on the idea of making lists, but this will help to put the intention out there for you. It takes it out of you and puts it on paper to be seen. That way you can take it in from another perspective. Feel it even more. Begin by taking out a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left side write down your desires for the new year. For example, “I want to create more peace and harmony in my home.” On the right side of the paper I want you to write down the number of months you believe it would take you to achieve this goal. So, write down the number 3 if it would take three months, 6 for six months. You get the picture. Providing a time frame for which you believe you can reach this goal makes it feel more manageable. 2) Make a commitment to achieving that which you desire. Which of these goals, and it may be all or just one, it is good either way, are you committed to work on over the next 12 months? For each goal you are committing to, mark a star to the left. 3) Create accountability for yourself. Life gets busy and priorities shift regularly, and it is not uncommon to fall away from focusing on a desired outcome. You need to be accountable so that you stay focused on creating your desire. To do this, reach out to three people that you can count on to hold you accountable. I love this because 1) you are declaring your commitment and putting it out into the universe, and 2) you are creating a partner to hold you accountable to stick to your commitment making it less likely for you to fall away. Ask these three people to be available to you once a week (this can be by text, email or a call) so that you can update them on your weekly progress. They don’t have to do anything else. 4) Declare your “why.” Now grab an index card or a piece of paper for each goal you are committing to work on this year. Begin to write down all of the reasons why you want this change in your life. Get really into the emotional piece and write it all down. This is your why for committing to this growth. 5) Revisit and review. Take a moment each day, when you wake or a time that works for you and read over your why as a reminder and a daily re-commitment to your growth. Don’t let this year be another year of falling away from a desired goal. This is your year to be bold, to commit and grow. Start with these steps and commit yourself to taking daily action to reach these goals. Create accountability to help you stay on track and get support. You do not have to do this alone.

The holiday season is upon us and you may be feeling a bit overwhelmed or stressed. Maybe you're not and have found a way to relax in the chaos of all the holiday happenings. One of the best things about the holidays are the traditions and rituals that you make take part in. Rituals are a great way to create pause, to connect and to reflect. So, I was thinking that this is the perfect opportunity to insert a new tradition with your family or even yourself. I know you probably have way too much going on already to have to add something else to your to do list, but rituals can actually help to slow you down and create that pause that is needed in the day to release the daily pressures. Rituals can offer a sense of peace and comfort. They create a space for you to pause and reflect. A ritual provides that certainty we need to be more in a loving and connecting state. And even more importantly, rituals bring people together. What rituals do you practice now for yourself or with your family? One of my favorite rituals with my kids is reading before they go off to bed. Every night we read two stories together. I love studying their faces as they listen and the deep feeling of gratitude I have for them and that moment together. I then tuck them in to bed, kiss them and share sweet words. Every evening, I also take out my workout clothes and place them on my dresser to be easily put on in the early morning hours. This ritual is so important to my workouts, that I do not believe I would have committed as long as I have if this step were missing. One of the ways my extended family and I have helped to reduce the pressures of getting out and buying gifts for a continuously growing family, is to do a Secret Santa. All the adults purchase a gift for a set dollar amount and then we play a fun game during the gift grab. It is so much fun! We laugh, we joke and we all feel connected during this time as we play together. This year can be an opportunity for you to embrace rituals. Recognize the ones that exist. Build in something new. What rituals would you like to incorporate into your life and relationships? Is it something to help you get your day started? A way to create a pause in the day? A time for family to connect? A time for reflection? Consider how adding a new ritual into your life and relationships can help you to further reach that which you desire. Remember the change process… Firs imagine your life or relationships engaging in this ritual. Build hope for what this ritual will mean for your life and helping you to create what you desire. Then make it happen. You may need the help from others (like your family), to make it happen so enlist their help. When you have participated in this new ritual, celebrate in any big or small way. If your family is involved, celebrate with them, too. Always go back and review how this is working and adjust as needed. Repeat this cycle often. The holiday time is filled with many rituals and the perfect opportunity to create a new ritual with yourself or with those you care about. May your ritual give you purpose, connection and an opportunity to reflect. Happy Holidays!

How many times have you done something that you could kick yourself for? Maybe it was something you said, the way you acted. You might have felt like it was a stupid mistake and beat yourself up over it. Done that before? I am sure you have. We all have or still do. How does this even make sense or help us? It doesn’t. We do not learn from beating ourselves up over what has already happened. But, we can learn from these experiences. Start by asking yourself smart questions. Questions that challenge you to grow, to move forward…to learn from. Question #1--What can I learn from this? This is a great one to start with. The way in which we see a situation is going to determine how we feel and also how we respond. If we see a situation as if we have failed or messed up, then we will feel like a failure, disappointed, imperfect, etc. Imagine how you would then respond based on those feelings. Our actions always flow from our feelings, therefore, we need to be more mindful of what we allow ourselves to feel. We do have the power to change our affect in a matter of seconds. When you ask yourself what can you learn from the situation, you are essentially changing what you focus your thoughts on, which in turn will affect your emotions and how you respond. Grabbing the opportunity to learn and get feedback for your life and relationships is invaluable. You can do this for yourself! You just need to ask yourself the right questions. Question #2—What need was I trying to meet by doing or saying what I did? We all have basic human needs that we need to meet daily. We find vehicles to meet these needs in both positive and negative forms. Stopping to ask yourself which need you were focused on will help you to one, understand which need you were trying to meet, and two, which need you want to meet. We often have to dig a bit deeper, or peel away the layers to get to the core of what is going on, so go ahead…. peel away. I know this can feel intimidating or even a bit uncomfortable. But, if we are not growing then we are stuck. You don’t want to be stuck…do you? I didn’t think so. It helps to begin with identifying the thought first. Thought leads to feeling, which leads to behavior…and it can go back the other way, behavior…feeling…thought. For the sake of keeping it simple, start with identifying the thought. The first thing that came to mind. Once you have the thought, you can begin to pinpoint the emotion. Question #3 How did it make you feel? Ahh…the dreaded question. Be your own therapist for a moment, I promise there is a reason for taking you down this path. Identify the feeling. You may start with anger, frustration, annoyance and these are a great start but peel a little more. What might be under those feelings? Got it? This is the core emotion that we want to use to identify the emotional need. Are you hurt and needing certainty or love? Are you feeling unimportant and needing significance? Question #4—What can I do to meet that need in a more positive way? How can I make that happen today? So, this is a two-part question that leads you into identifying the actions needed and then committing to that action, again so that you are growing. Explore whether there are any new rituals you can build into your day, life or relationships to help you to achieve a better state. Maybe you need a better plan and to be more prepared. Is it focus or grounding you may need? You can continue to formulate new questions for yourself that challenge you to grow and learn so that you can be the best you and a leader among all those around you.

I went to bed and made a decision that I would wake up the next day and put on a smile more often than not throughout the day. That I would think of things that bring me joy, and move in a way that made me happy. I planned to play with the kids more, dance, and sing with them. This was my plan. For the most part, my plan was successful. The day was much better than the day before. But I know, that each day will change and that in order for this to turn into a new habit each day moving forward, my reason for wanting it so badly had to be really clear. I had to know my WHY. In the past, you may have committed yourself to changing something in your life. Whether it was something as a parent, like myself, something in your love relationship, work, or health, and you told yourself something needed to give. You promised yourself that night in bed that things would be different in the morning. You may have gotten up that next morning and went at it with true desire and motivation. You may have awakened to the same pattern that preceded and nothing really changed but maybe a new commitment that you would try again tomorrow. You may have been clear about what you did not want in your life anymore. No more fights. No more weight gain. No more anxiety. No more yelling. Whatever it is…you certainly do not want it anymore. This is part of the problem. Being clear about what you don’t want is not even remotely as strong of a motivator as being clear about what you DO want. This brings me back to knowing your why. Why do you want this change? Why do need things to be different? How will this change your life and others around? What could come from this change? How will this change effect your future decisions? Write it down. Really go deep and write. Journal all your ideas so that you can see and read why this is so important to you. More importantly, so that you can begin to imagine this happening to you and the ripple effect of making the change. Some days the change can be hard. As a person with a strong desire to grow, I find myself frustrated when I know I need to push through my own limitations that keep me from doing exactly that—growing. There are days when my kids seem impossible to deal with and my strong desire to deal with them from a place of love and compassion is challenged to the max. There are days when I don’t want to be loving and kind to my husband. These days are when I need to really tap into my “WHY” and ground myself so that I can continue to move forward. Grounding may mean adding some self-care, taking a break and just reconnecting with youself. This allows you to go back in and focus again on what it is you desire and more importantly…the reason you want it so bad. You can then go back and be the change you want to bring to your life and relationships. Do you want to be the change and keep it going? Here are some tips to get you started…. · Get clear on your “why.” · Imagine your life with this change. · Write down your “why.” · Review your “why” daily (even multiple times if you need to—you be the judge). · Connect with yourself. Give yourself love and kindness so that you can give it to others. Find daily rituals to help provide balance for yourself and reconnection to your desire. · Find loving and kind support from others. You are not alone and there is no reason you should be. There are lots of ways to get support. Define what support would look like for you at the moment and then go get it. Sometimes we need to slow down, take a breath and reconnect with ourselves in order to re-focus our direction. It is easy to fall into a stuck cycle and not see change happening when you are not focused on what it is you desire—your “why.” Don’t get trapped in this vicious cycle that leaves you feeling like you failed, in despair and discouraged. Focus on what you want and each day do something to remind you of your “why” and keep yourself going.

With the holidays upon us the pressure of everything from entertaining, cooking, shopping decorating, and whatever other things you feel you need to do, builds. Eventually this pressure needs to release and let out the steam. As do we. My husband and I decided to invest in an electric power pressure cooker. I wanted to make a roast for family that was visiting and thought it would be a great tool. We ended up cutting our meat in half making it actually two pieces of a smaller cut. This changed the cooking time, but we did not think to adjust the time. As the cook time came to completion and we released the pressure valve, the steam shot out. We were so excited to see what we had created. We learned, however, that the meat had over cooked due to it sitting too long in that pressure. Do you sometimes feel over done? Do life’s pressures build for too long? You can create a pressure valve in your own life that you can open and release before it is too late and you have reached your max. This can simply be done by creating moments of pause throughout the day. Find times in your day when you can pause for even a few minutes. This could happen in the morning when you wake, as your sitting at a traffic light, when you sit down for a meal, or at bedtime. You might meditate, breathe, say a prayer, or talk with others. The ideas are limited to what you can come up with, so think of some things. Ask what others do. Get more ideas. Try them out. This is great with young kids, too. Kids feel a lot more pressures in their day then we do and they need these moments of pause incorporated into their daily routines to release some of the pressure that builds for them. Think of rituals. What could you do as a family to create pause? Try sharing a prayer or lighting a candle before meal time. Talk at dinner about your day. Rest in the middle of the day with a book or just quiet time. Stretch together in the morning or before bed. Light a candle before bed then blow it out signifying lights out. Take a daily walk together. All these ideas can be applied to the family with or without kids. Slow down your daily activities. It seems that this becomes such a busy time of year, yet the days feel shorter. The winter time can be about slowing down and resting. Keeping yourselves strong for the colder months. Going to bed earlier. Turn holiday shopping into a family event. Everyone helping out and keeping things simple can reduce some of the pressure. In my experiences, I found that over the years, gift cards have been the most purchased gift. Take the time to think of something unique for that person instead of a gift card. Make it special. Bring meaning to the joy of gift giving. As a family come up with some ideas. Remember…less is more, especially when it comes to holidays with kids. You may feel the pressure to buy lots of toys for the kids, but ask yourself first, what is that about? Where is that coming from? What need are you trying to fulfill for yourself? You can learn more about yourself during this time, too. Also, it is important to note that too many toys can distract a child from their play. Kids need to play and if they have too much stuff, they will most likely not stay in their play or their creative state. So, no need to go overboard. Implementing the moments of pause in the day so that you and your family can connect is worth a whole lot more than any material gift. So, if you feel the pressure building this holiday season, take the time to implement moments in the day where you can release pressure. Do this for your family, too. You will feel the benefits of slowing down and simplifying during this time. Each night before you go to sleep, review in your mind or in a journal why it is important to slow down this season. Remind yourself of all the benefits and this will help you to stay with your goal.

Look anywhere on social media today and people are sharing that they are thankful. It is good to be thankful, it moves you into your higher self and taps into the most authentic part of you. Gratitude is an inherent quality in each of us and when expressed allows us to be open and make deeper connections. But, this is not an article about gratitude. Being grateful is certainly a great state to be in and life is precious so why not be grateful for it? We need to be thankful for each moment we have. Let’s be thankful today and every day. Let’s share our gratitude with everyone we cross paths with and those we love dearly. Let us also be thankful for today and embrace the opportunity to grow by making a commitment to one small doable change in your life and relationships. That is right, I said commit to one small doable change today. What are you dissatisfied with in your life right now? Where in your life or relationships does their need to be a change? Pick one thing today that you will commit to changing for the next 39 days. At the end of the year, you will have much more to celebrate. Imagine starting a New Year with already having made changes. Get things going today! There is no better time than the present. You might be saying to yourself, “I will wait until after the holidays because….” But, why not today? There can be a million excuses why not to do something, so ask yourself why you want this change? Imagine life with this change? Imagine the feeling it would bring to you and your relationships? Who will benefit? How will this change other parts of your life? What will be the ripple effect of you making this change? Now plan what you are going to do? What action can you take today to begin making that change? Remember, a small doable change is all you need to make. The important thing is that you start taking action now. You may have been holding yourself back in a number of ways, but today you are thankful to be here and for the love around you, for the opportunities you will take advantage of and for the ability to make that choice for yourself. Here is what you can do to start moving forward: 1. Identify what it is that you want to change. Maybe you have been wanting to have regular date nights with your spouse, lose weight, limit screen time with the kids, eat healthier, learn a new language, or build compassion in your response to others. 2. Visualize yourself there. Put yourself out in the future having made this change and really connect to what it would be like including the feelings, relationships, and all the benefits. 3. Pick one doable action you can begin to take today. Make it something you know you can do even with a push. You want to feel hopeful about taking this step. 4. Take action and do what you say you are going to do. It will help if you ask someone to hold you accountable. 5. Celebrate every success you have. You may think it is not a big deal to have responded to your kids with compassion or have lost 5lbs, but these successes need to be celebrated. 6. Check-in and review. Take time after a couple weeks to check-in with yourself and/or the person that is holding you accountable. Review your accomplishments and consider if you need to adjust what you are doing, add something, or learn something new to sustain this change. 7. Repeat this process.

Are you turned off by the idea of having to work to make a relationship work? You are not alone if you do. Many people believe that when there is love you should not have to work at your relationship. This is a myth. By turning the work into just part of what you do naturally with each other, you will see a relationship improve, but it does take effort. What surprises me the most is that those that don’t want to put in the effort, usually will not because they don’t believe it should be that way, and end up wasting a lot of energy fighting or being unhappy. This is a low-level relationship where either it is all about “I” or about trading (i.e., I will give you this if you do this for me). Neither good for the relationship. Being in a relationship is a great way to personally grow. You can learn so much about yourself. For instance, when two perfectly imperfect people are in a relationship, their differences trigger in each other stuff they do not like about themselves, and have either rejected or projected on to the other. These things are connected to our emotions, old emotional triggers, like the stuff that goes back to our childhood and our earliest decisions about life were constructed. Being able to recognize your emotional triggers is part of becoming a more conscious individual and taking responsibility for yourself. Being aware of your emotions and changes will better allow you to know when a situation is good or bad so you can decide how best to proceed. This is called taking ownership for yourself and being responsible for your part in the relationship dance. Do you decide to ignore, attack, use sarcasm or maybe humor? How you proceed after being triggered is critical to the relationship. Stepping up in your relationship is going to require that you begin to think about the “We” in a relationship. A few questions to explore may include: What does the other person need to help make us better? How have I contributed to the relationship problems? What could I do differently? How can I give unconditional love? What boundaries do I need to set? Sticking around and through relationship challenges can be difficult, but it can be very rewarding. This is not true of an abusive relationship. Here are some things you can do to make a non-abusive relationship interaction more productive. During an encounter, pay attention to how you respond to the other person. If you feel attacked, it would make sense that you would jump on the defense; however, this is only going to trigger a counter attack from the other party. Now the two of you are playing this defend-attack game and wasting precious energy. Don’t get hooked into this dance. Instead, recognize that you have been triggered and identify the feelings you are experiencing –to yourself take note that you have feelings (own yourself), but keep that separate from what the other person is feeling. Just because she or he is angry and wants to let you know, does not mean you have to get angry too. If you react, you are in the game. The ball was hit to you and you just hit it back. Instead, keep the ball from coming into your court by not playing. Get Out of the Game If the other party hits the ball in your court, don’t react quickly without thinking about what could happen next. Use your emotions as an alarm that something is wrong and you need to stop and think. Then keep the ball from coming into your court by reflecting what you are hearing from that person. Simply letting the other person know you hear them can lower that individuals defend-attack stance. Lowering the defenses or softening the other person will allow you to hear what is really going on for him or her. The other party can then begin to take in what he or she is saying and own their words and feelings. Once it does not feel like an attack and you can get a better sense of what the other person is needing, you can work together to come up with solutions—as a “We.” Going low can be easy when we feel attacked. It is our basic human instinct to go into a fight or flight response. You can work at not functioning in your relationships at this level and step up to create an experience of growth and connection with your partner. Best wishes!