Explore The Secrets To Thriving Within Your Relationship

We all have times when we feel like we are maxed out and have nothing left to give to others. You may feel like you are doing so much, so why give any more. Maybe you are thinking that you deserve some contributing to. This type of low level participation in relationships can be damaging. Raising the level at which you participate, by giving beyond yourself and contributing to others, is how we move into your higher self and a higher relationship state. It is from this place that we will feel the most fulfilled in our lives and relationship. When we operate from our primal state of fight or flight, we are more focused on creating a situation in which we will best survive. This is great when you do need to survive but being maxed out is just an emotional state--not a death sentence. Therefore, the emotions will pass. It is during these times, when we are challenged to pushed ourselves beyond our comfort zone, that we grow. So, it is a great opportunity to move yourself to a higher level of living—by giving love and contributing to others. It is in this state that we feel the most loved and fulfilled. We are not focused on ourselves and we are filled with all we need by going beyond ourselves. But sometimes we need help getting there because we play games with ourselves and get trapped by old patterns that creates a vicious cycle of the status quo. So how do we get unstuck, move beyond our state of feeling maxed and go beyond ourselves…. 1- Start with love. Giving love unconditionally may seem out of reach when you are challenged, but pushing yourself beyond this threshold helps you to gain greater awareness of yourself, what you are capable of and also builds deeper connection--leading to a life of fulfillment. Start with loving yourself unconditionally, so that you have the strength of heart and mind to give the same to another person. 2- Take care of you. First loving yourself and then taking care of your own needs. When maxed out it often is a sign that you have neglected taking care of you. Are you needing some R&R, meditation, a cup of coffee or tea, exercise, sleep, etc.…? These things may seem like you are being selfish but if you don’t love and care for yourself, you will have nothing to give. These are two essential needs to help you to move beyond yourself and love unconditionally. You can move feeling good and confident that you know what to do when you need taking care of. 3- Embrace vulnerability. Research shows that true connection and intimacy with others comes from a willingness to be vulnerable. I always say we are perfectly imperfect human beings. Allow yourself to own up to your weaknesses, and honor your honesty with yourself and others. Connections are built during this time of sharing common vulnerabilities. It helps other to know you are human--it makes you relatable. 4- Practice mindfulness. Take a moment to be aware of the present. Take deep breaths to shift your bodies physiology and move you into a calmer state. When you are present and aware, you more likely to handle challenging situations better. 5- Find gratitude. Being in a place of negativity is like spiraling down in your own circle. You are in your own world and disconnected from love. A great way to move yourself towards love is to think of something to be grateful for. Practice gratitude from the moment you wake and throughout the day. Feeling grateful helps you to see things from a more positive perspective. 6- Listen and respond. When another person is trying to talk, listen and acknowledge what they are saying. Honor them with your presence. In today’s modern world, we are all too often distracted by too much stuff. Slowing down and showing up is critical to creating for the other person a sense that you care and they are loved. Validate and honor their experience and try not to just be a savior, because just feeling heard is often all the other person needs, whether an adult or child. Best wishes!

Do you should yourself often? Do you say, “I should do this or I should have done that?” You might tell yourself that you desire something in your life, yet nothing or not enough changes. But you should do it, right? You tell yourself you should. The problem….is motivation. This type of language is lacking any kind of motivation behind it. If you want something to change, there must be a must in there. “I must get that project done this week.” “I must lose the weight now.” “I must get a handle on dealing with the kid’s behavior today.” Try saying both ways and change out the words must and should. Do you hear the difference? Do you feel the difference? There is more power, energy and clarity behind the must. It is not wishy-washy words. Now, think of an outcome you desire. How would you typically talk to yourself about getting this? Say it to yourself. Next, say it with a must. You should feel a difference just by changing the language and by doing so you change what you put your attention on as well as your bodies physiology. Feel the energy. Feel the urgency. By creating a sense of urgency around what it is you desire, you are creating a situation to which you will take action. Action of course is what is needed to make the change happen. Without that motivation behind it, you may continue to say you will do something but yet never feel the urgency to get it and therefore let another day pass by. Here are four steps to help you to get motivated: Step 1- Decide today what it is that you desire and get clarity. Get specific about something you have been wanting but yet have not accomplished. The more specific the easier it will be to measure whether or not you get there. Ask yourself how will you know if you have this? What would be different? Who will notice? Who else is involved and how will they be different? Clarify the details of what it is you want. Step 2-Determine if this is something that you can accomplish and what resources you need. Do you have the means to reach this outcome? If you believe that you do not, is there something you can do to help with this? Is there something you need, a resource, or maybe further education/support? Do you need someone’s help? Step 3-Decide if you are willing to create this change. Are you willing to let go of something to gain what it is you desire? What will you have to prioritize? Are you willing to put the work into it? Step 4-Set an action date. If you notice in the must examples provided earlier, there is an action at the end of the statements. “I must do this today.” “I must do this within 90 days.” Decide when you will make this change and commit to working on it daily. Sometimes we need support and encouragement along our journey, so seek out whatever resources that will help provide this for you. Decide today, take action and don’t let another day slip away.

Not everyone likes to talk about emotions but they are what drive behaviors. The interesting thing about emotions is that they change and you can change what you feel when you want. Yes, you can choose! You might believe that emotions happen to you, but really you bring yourself to feel certain ways. You talk to yourself silently, and this plays a part in creating your emotional state. This is not the only contributing factor. Besides talking to yourself, you also know how to change your physiology and your posture to create certain emotions. Check it out for yourself. Find a mirror (preferably a long one where you can see your entire self). Looking at the mirror, begin to think about being depressed. What makes you feel sad or depressed? Tell yourself the things that make you feel that way. Observe your posture. What do you do with your hands, head, shoulders, face and body? Are you there yet? Before you read on, do this for yourself. Come back when you got it. Shake that off for a moment. Move around. Stand if you are sitting. Sit if you are standing. Do something that will change your posture. Now, try anger this time. Think of being angry. What makes you angry? What do you tell yourself when you are angry? Observe what you do differently in the mirror. Make note even of the subtle differences. If you did this, you know, you can change your emotional state that quickly. Play with going back and forth with each emotional state. In seconds you can change how you are feeling by changing three things: your posture and physiology, your focus and what you tell yourself. Cool, right? Well, cool when you use it to motivate yourself to do what you know needs to get done. To get yourself to a positive emotional state like happy, focused and confident. I know you see the benefits of being able to do this for yourself. Let’s also look at how you can use this to influence your relationships. For example, you need to talk with your spouse about something but you are feeling fearful of the conversation or just dreading it because it has been a hot topic for the two of you. By changing your state prior to entering the conversation, and even when you request to talk, you are setting up the situation to have a much better outcome, one that is more desirable. Imagine feeling in control of your own responses and being able to hold a safe space for the other person to talk too. This will change things for you and the relationship. Manage your state throughout the conversation and you are golden! When things go all wrong…this is what might happen…. You want to talk or deal with an issue and you start saying things like, “she always gets defensive, he doesn’t listen, she just wants things her way, he is never going to get it, I don’t want to fight, etc.” Along with self-talk comes tension in the body (physiology), shoulder crunched up to your ears (posture) and you are only focused on the past or what could happen rather than being present in the moment. A sure fire way to trigger all that you are expecting. What you focus on in your mind, the things you tell yourself about the situation, and your body’s posture and physiological shifts will all determine what you feel and the actions that will follow. Your emotional state determines your outcome! So…you need to change your emotional state to get yourself where you need to go and to influence others. Start by shifting any one of the three factors mentioned: what you focus on, what you tell yourself and/or your body’s posture or physiology. Earlier I asked you to move your body. This simple action can shift your state in a second. You can shift any one of these areas and trigger a new emotion but what emotional state do you want to create? Create the State You Desire You want to talk with your partner and want to be open and listening to keep things from getting heated. What emotions would help to create this for you? Loving, kind, or calm? Decide what you want. Let’s say you need to feel calm. What do you need to tell yourself and focus on to feel calm? Get yourself there. Got it? Now multiply that by 10. Really feel it. What do you need to do with your body to get yourself there? Relax your shoulders. Shake out your muscles. Take deep, slow breaths. Stay there for a while. Really experience this state. Now tap together your pointer finger and thumb, almost like you are creating the ok hand signal where the two fingers are creating an O. Do this several times and with some pressure so you feel it. Before you approach this person, get yourself to that emotional state. Do all the things you did just now…the focus, the body, the language and….tap your fingers. During the conversation you can always tap your fingers together to remind you of this emotional state you desire. You can do this if you need to deal with your child, too. Again, what state do you want to be in? Do you want to be happy when dealing with them first thing in the morning? Put yourself in the correct emotional state before you walk out your bedroom door. It takes just a few minutes to do and the more you practice, the easier you will be able to tap into this state. My husband does this with me often. When I am my super focused, need to get a zillion things done mode and being short, he will do or say something silly. Although I do not always show appreciation and sometimes even mad that he took me out of my “killer” state, none the less it works and he changes my state. You can change your kids state too. My boys were tired after school and a bit ornery, I noticed I was beginning to feel frustrated but I did not want to lead with this, so I began to balance on one foot and asked them if they could do it too. They were excited to try this physical challenge and immediately jumped into a playful and silly state. I not only changed my own emotional state but there as well. We giggled and moved on. Your emotional state is key to changing what it is you desire in your life and relationships. Focus, physiology & posture, and language create the state you are in, so shift one of these parts and shift your state. Use this strategy to influence yourself and others. Best wishes!

When you want something these days, you can easily go on your phone and get whatever it is you desire. Whether it be a product, information, an answer, a date… You have access to so much in the palm of your hand. This is great and can make our lives easier in many ways, but it can also complicate things. Too much stuff can start to come between you and another person. I am not just talking clutter in your home. I am referring to all things, like activities, schedules, screens, social media, or whatever consumes you. For any relationship to be successful, there needs to be certainty. Certainty is created with predictability, security, a sense of knowing and feeling safe. It is a basic emotional need we all have but it is also basic to the relationship. With so much going on in our lives and coming into our homes these days, it is creating clutter. We clutter our homes, our minds and our lives with too much. An uneasiness creeps in and we are left feeling like our need for certainty has been abandoned. Does this impact your relationship with your spouse, partner, child, or friend? You better believe it does! Create Certainty There are a number of ways you can create certainty in your life and relationships. Finding ways to build in predictability is a great start. Beware not to over focus on this emotional need since you will also want to focus on others, like love and contribution. You can build from a place of certainty. Establishing clarity around your home, life and relationships can help you to feel grounded and more certain so you are free to focus on building in excitement, love, growth and ways to give to others—and meet other emotional needs. Declutter & Simplify Yes…starting with decluttering your living environment. This is an easy place to start. Begin to clear away that “junk” drawer, clothes, books, papers, etc. Focus on creating an environment that is soothing and simple. Bonus, when you build in donations while you are at this task, you can also meet the need for contributing to others and good causes, so donate whatever is usable, good and working. You can also declutter your schedules and activities. If you are a parent, then you know all too well how activities can just get out of control. Unfortunately, busy schedules plaques most of us. Begin exploring what activities you can reduce, space out or end all together to help minimize a busy schedule. Practice saying “No” in a kind and firm manner so that you are not involving yourself or a family member in too much. You may have to say no to that school parent activity or an outing with some friends. Reduce screens in your home so that you are more present in your own life and with others. Watching television, the Ipad, computer screen or your phone screen are all distractions and can create disconnection. Try swapping out a screen with exercise, outdoor time or a phone activity with another human being. You will feel happier and more grounded. Screens can increase irritability, aggression and also take away from the art of conversation. Not good for our young people that will one day be running this world. Meals are another aspect of your life you can simplify. Keep meals simple with whole foods and reducing processed foods. In my home, we eat the same meals on the same days of the week to keep things really simple. For example, Mondays we have waffles for breakfast and a chicken meal for dinner (which, I usually rotate 3 different chicken dishes to give a little variety). On Tuesdays we eat hot cereal for breakfast with toast and tacos for dinner. I am free to spice things up from time to time, but it makes my life easier knowing what we are having on each day, not only when it comes time to plan that day’s meal but when I am shopping, too. My family knows what is for dinner and it helps to avoid issues with the kids. The last thing I want to address is talking. I personally like to share stories with my husband and talk with my kids. Sometimes just being quiet, however, is best. Too much chatter can also be overwhelming, maybe for your partner and definitely a child. Be mindful to listen more or just sit with another person. Watch and observe…not everything needs to be discussed. This is especially important with kids. Be mindful of what you are talking about too. Is it negative? Does it hurt someone? Is it true? Kids especially do not need to hear adult conversations so table that for when you are alone with another adult. Decluttering and simplifying helps to create a calmness and a sense of certainty. When that certainty is present, the space for connection is open. You will feel this in your own life but it also helps to create it for the relationship, too. When you have less to worry about, you are more available and you can both feel at ease with less distractions all around you. You can feel more certain together and build from here. Take time to connect more. Play together. Talk more with each other. Talk less about the negative. Sleep more and feel rested. These tips will help you to feel more confident and connected in your relationships. Some of these suggestions may seem too difficult—but no worries. You can always put it into action for a couple weeks and then revisit to see how helpful it is. Celebrate all your accomplishments as you move forward because we all need to recognize our efforts. Best wishes!

What is it that you want to change in your life? If you had to pick one thing that was most important to you RIGHT now, what would it be? Is it your relationships, the way you parent, your family’s life, your health…? Which is it for you? I ask because in order for you to create change you first need to decide what needs to change. Once you clearly identify the dissatisfaction, write it down. Read it and make sure that is exactly what you want to change. Now imagine…. Imagine a time when things are better. What will things be like when it changes? How will you know things are better? What will each person involved be doing differently? How will you feel and others that are involved? Really get a clear picture of what this change will look like. Wanting and knowing that things need to change are different. We all want things but do you whole-heartedly believe that things MUST change? Their needs to be a strong desire for change to create the motivation. As a relationship coach, I hear clients say with great conviction, “things must change.” This is a clue to me, the coach, that the client’s situation has reached a point where the pain of keeping things status quo is greater than the pain of changing. This is the motivation that creates change. Things need to change! And…You must believe you can make this change happen. Your part only!! Often when it comes to relationship coaching, a client will come focused on the other person changing, whether it be their spouse, child, employer, etc. It doesn’t quite work that way. A relationship is a dance between two people but you are solely responsible for your part and can ONLY control you—not the other person. So, if you want to make a change…. focus on YOU. Your marriage is on the rocks. Your child is continuously getting into trouble. Your kids act entitled and constantly demanding. These are all issues of a relationship but you can make a difference just by working on your part. Start by creating one small doable change. What is one thing that YOU can do to start making a shift? Could you work on meeting your partner’s emotional needs and being all about giving love? Could you work on just listening and mirroring? How about just calling your partner to say hello and ask how their day is going during the middle of the day? What about your child? Maybe focus on reducing some screen time for your child for the week or even shoot for a daily goal? It could be creating a new routine for the evening to help with bedtime or something as simple as providing a healthy snack while dinner is cooking, so the kids are not bothering you and a meal gets on the table in time. Have hope and believe you can do this and that change is necessary. We all need a cheerleader in our lives, so whether you can do that for yourself, and I hope you can, you might also want to share this with your partner, a good friend or a relationship coach that will be there to support you. Now, you just need to put your small doable change into ACTION. You may need some help with this so be sure to identify any resources you may need. You want to be sure that you have help when you need it. Next, and this is very important--CELEBRATE! Any small shifts should be celebrated and honor yourself for taking action. If things are not shifting after two weeks, then review what has happened and tweak as necessary. People don’t always change quickly, what you need to focus on is what you can learn from each situation and build on that feedback as you continue to succeed. Don’t fall victim to the trap of dissatisfaction that holds such feelings as shame, despair and failure. A great mentor of mine always says, “there is no such thing as failures, it is only feedback.” You know there is something you really want to change in your life and relationships. It is time and you realize this. Now it is time for you to believe that you can make change happen and start taking action. Starting with a small doable step will set you up moving in the right direction. Best wishes!

There are times when you may want to give up on something. Maybe it is a project, a new behavior, a strategy with your kids, your job/business, a relationship or even your life. Giving up on your life is a major issue that needs to be addressed immediately. Please call someone you can talk to or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number at 1-800-273-8255 (a suicide hotline). Having someone to talk to at this time is critical. Your situation may not be that serious but it is important to address and feelings of defeat. When a person feels like giving up, they have lost hope that there are other options for dealing with their situation. When we feel there are no options, we are stuck. It is during this time when we might tap into our most negative beliefs. “You can’t do this.” “It is never going to work.” “This is too stressful.” I know you desire some kind of change in your life. Most of us want our lives, relationships, family, etc.… to be at its best. So, we consider change. Although we want it, we are not always prepared to deal with challenges that arise. Change can bring all kinds of stress but when we can move through it, over it, around it, whichever works for you, we can learn and grow from it. What can you learn from this experience? Ahh…the key question. This is a good question to ask yourself during anytime of change. For example, in the case of my computer, I learned that I need to back-up my data regularly and also to keep my computer in a safe place—away from little hands. Maybe you are trying to implement a new rule, routine, or chore with your kids. Part of what I am currently focusing on in my own parenting role is having more compassion when my kids are displaying difficult behaviors. There was one particular day that I was struggling and I was trying to understand how that day was so different from so many other days. When I asked myself the key question of what I can learn, rather than beating myself up, my answer was more self-care and sleep. I learned that I am a person that requires a reasonable amount of sleep. Not so easy when you have three young children, but I do know that I can get myself to bed earlier in the evenings to help offset night waking and early rising from one of the kids. Flexibility I was recently talking with a colleague and he was impressed with the calmness I was displaying despite all the issues that had recently come up. I believe that this is a result of stretching my flexibility muscle, daily. Yes, daily! I talk to myself about being more flexible every single day. For me this is about being present in the moment and dealing with things as they come. Being willing to flex yourself as situations arise. If you can stretch yourself to look at all the possibilities for moving forward you will not feel defeated. What else can you do? Who can help? What resources do you need? What do you have to do to put this resource to use? Again…ask yourself quality questions. Think about a situation where you could learn to be more flexible. Is it around implementing a new rule or routine with the kids. The parents that I work with will often attempt to try new ways of dealing with their child’s behavior which is not always met well by the child. That feeling of defeat can creep in especially when that child tantrums. Don’t give up! I will suggest with clients to hold their ground but do so in a firm and kind manner. This can be true of any situation. If it is a change in your relationship you seek and you are not seeing the results you hoped for. Flex yourself! What else can you do? Who can help you with this? What can I learn from this? If you are a couple, you can always have a plan to revisit and evaluate any change you are trying to implement in your relationship, family or home. Plan to try something for 2 weeks and then come back and evaluate how things are going and what else can be done. Be firm and kind to yourself. About 8 weeks ago I committed myself to exercising 5 days a week in the early mornings. By the second week I was doubting whether I could do it because I was so tired when I woke up, but I had a plan and I am still doing it. I stayed firm and kind with myself, which motivated me but also provided the kindness I needed to be flexible when I needed to be. We all go through times when we question whether something we are trying to create is worth it. We doubt ourselves or it. Giving up may become an option, but it does not have to be. Maybe it is just a case of needing more options for reaching your goal. So, just when you are about to give up…don’t. Ask yourself good questions and be flexible so that you have more than one or two ways of getting what it is you desire. Best wishes!

One of the things that is holding you back in your life are the negative stories you choose to believe about yourself. These disempowering beliefs about oneself, limit the opportunities you see for making things happen and do not leave you feeling like the driver in your own life. You may also be helping to create disempowering stories in others, too. Do you want that to be happening, for yourself or those you care about? I doubt it. The interesting thing is that we can form these stories through just one or two experiences we have, which may not be the reality, especially the majority of the time. It is an induction process that we fall into. We all do it. Either you do this to yourself or others help you, although often in a non-malevolent way. You may not be aware that you do this to yourself or to others. “I’m not good at being organized.” “I am fat.” “I am a terrible parent.” These are just a few examples of the disempowering identities you may have. I have a client that will tell herself multiple times a day, “I am so tired.” This simple statement that seems harmless can impact her entire day and those that follow. To begin, it changes her physiology. She hunches over, her body just drops and she believes she is tired. She often is tired but because she tells herself this regularly, she feels powerless to change things because she is tired. Her options feel limited. You need more options. The more options you have, the more likely you will be able to make a change and stick to it. These disempowering identities become part of our belief system and unless we challenge these the identities, we are placing limits on our lives. Let’s also look at how you might induce others. A wife tells her husband that he is insensitive. Again, not consciously, she is inducing him to be insensitive. Listen to it…”You are insensitive.” “You are insensitive.” He hears over and over that he is insensitive and acts accordingly. It is a message directing him to be insensitive. Maybe you have kids and do it with them. “Why do you have to whine so much?” Do you see the message that you induct in that child? The child begins to identify as a whiner. Stop for a moment and think about some ways in which you induce yourself and others and create a disempowering identity. Now…would you like to change and stop doing this to yourself and others? Good! Awareness Start with awareness. I know that sounds like not much, but it is a huge step in the right direction. First, you are often not conscious of doing this so just beginning to be more alert in conversations, what you say and what you hear will make a big difference. Ask Good Questions Start to break down the negative identity by asking questions that help you to understand it better. For example, if you believe that you have an addictive personality, question where this belief came from? What happened that lead you to believe this about yourself (or maybe someone else). Is it true? When is it not true? What are some other experiences that you have had that you were able to stop something and not get addicted? Challenge that belief and look for empowering experiences to help build up your more positive identity. Empower Yourself & Others Start to talk to yourself and others using empowering words. Tell that child that whines, “I know you can be calm, you do it so well. I’ve seen you be calm many times.” Even better in this particular situation is to say nothing and just stay connected to that child. Tell that husband, “ I need you to be more sensitive to my needs.” As you become more aware of your conversations to yourself and others, you will start to notice this induction process happening. Practice using your words more carefully so that you are inducing positivity. You can keep a journal of things you say and hear to help you be more conscious. Challenging any limiting beliefs about yourself and others can help to push through the barriers that hold us all back. Best wishes! #positivity #confidence #consciousliving #leadership #helpingothers #empowerment #reachinggoals

It is easy for distance to creep into relationships with the demands of living in our modern world. Whether it be kids, work, meetings, appointments, events….these things can all take away from time with loved ones. Let’s not forget screens. Television, computers, phones, tablets…they provide us with an escape in the hopes to feel connected. These outlets may entertain us but they certainly do not connect us. Sure you can Facebook with people you would otherwise have no contact with, but unless you deepen that relationship with time together and conversations, you will not feel a true connection. When you allow these distractions to come between you and another…. Slowly the two of you, whether it is your spouse, partner, friend, or family member, start to lose touch with each other. Days, weeks or even months pass and you feel like the two of you don’t connect anymore. Sure you might pass by each other or talk about daily tasks that need to get done, but do you feel engaged during these interactions? Disconnection can lead to feelings of loneliness, sadness, worry, or anger. You may start to feel uncertain, lonely or even angry that it has gotten to this point. Thoughts about the status of the relationship develop and you question the security in the relationship. A good amount of certainty is needed to maintain a strong attachment in the relationship. If you are not connecting, then you are not growing together. If you are not growing together then the relationship will die. Are you watching your relationship slip away from you? Do you want more? Do you want better? You can have it, but you need to create it. The goal is to be more conscious in your efforts to build connection. But first decide what the outcome you want is? What would you like your relationship to look like? What would you each be doing? How can you contribute or what will you need to do? These are all good questions to ask yourself. Take Back Your Relationship We all have the power to change things in our lives and if this is something you want to change…then decide today that things will be different. You can do your part by implementing these effective tips into your day. Start by staying checked-in. Don’t walk away, avoid or ignore the issues in your relationship. This does not mean start making a list and giving that to the other person or place demands that he or she change. Think about filling in the gap. Start planning and doing things that will help you to feel more connected! Plan dates, go to lunch, make a phone call, send an email or a card, or talk over coffee. The list of activities to connect can be endless. What have you done in the past? What might you like to do now? Make a personal list of ideas for connecting and start planning. Assess what emotional needs are most important to the other person and help to meet those needs in the specific ways in which they would like. Giving to the relationship will help the other to feel loved or cared for and will also help to bridge the gap. Assert your own needs and communicate clearly. Making use of “I” statements is crucial during these types of talks. For example, “I feel disappointed that we have not spent time together the way I liked before.” Approaching the situation in a non-threatening stance is less likely to invite a defensive response from the other person. Let him or her simply know that this is how you have been feeling and these are your feelings, not how they have to feel. Demonstrate that you own that these are your feelings and that you recognize that the other person may not feel the same way. Take the time to ask about how they are feeling. “How do you feel about the time we spend together?” Acknowledge his or her feelings and accept how they feel. Turn your feelings into needs. Present your needs in clear behavioral requests. For example, “I would really like it if we could plan a date each week to spend time alone, or I would like it if you could have dinner with me 2 nights a week.” The clearer and more specific you are the more likely your needs will get met. Staying connected in your relationships takes effort. It is so easy to lose that in today’s busy world. Think of ways to build connection back into your relationships and be calm, clear and assertive when it comes to addressing your needs. Knowing what is bothering you, owning your thoughts and feelings, and addressing the issue in a conscious effort to get your needs met will prove to be effective.

With so many Facebook friends posting happy pictures with their spouses for the “7 Day Love Your Spouse Challenge,” I thought it would be even better and more inspiring if a twist was added. Of course sharing your loving photos is nice and all, and it is warming to see so many friends in some of their happiest moments, but what if you inspired others with your love in an even greater way? Would you participate? Would you post every day to show others your commitment and your desire to give love? So many couples feel the strain of every day pressures on them. Is your marriage strained by the stresses of family life, work, finances, children, etc.…? These are just some of the issues that a couple has to manage together under sometimes extremely stressful times. Let’s face it, many folks feel stressed these days. When stress is high, reactions flow. Reactions can be dangerous and hurt the relationship. There tends to be less patience for the other and interactions can be filled with forms of communication that are like a weapon (shortness, sarcasm, criticism, stone-walling, exiting, etc.…). These weapons can be hurtful. And if there are children…the marriage may have been pushed to the back burner. No longer first priority in many cases. Like a bank account that has had many withdrawals and no deposits--running in the red. Does this sound like your relationship? Is your relationship with your partner/spouse neglected? Maybe this is not exactly your relationship. You may not be in the red but could use some deposits to create more security. It is good to have a cushion so when there is a withdrawal, your relationship will not feel it so much. Here is my challenge to you… “Love your spouse For Real challenge” Part 1--For the next seven days, I challenge you to love your spouse. To love your spouse unconditionally each day. To think about what it is that your spouse needs and to ask what that is specifically if you are not certain. Does your spouse need… Certainty, a sense of safety or security? Knowing things will be a certain way? Variety, excitement or surprise? Significance or that she/he matters? Love and connection? Opportunities to grow on his/her own or with you? Opportunities to contribute around the home, in the family or even with others? As I mentioned last week, these six basic emotional needs exists for all humans and you can use these as a way of improving your relationship. Focus on what your spouse/partner needs and give them what they need from a place of unconditional love. Part 2-Commit and take action right now. Once you make a decision to participate, you will want to take action immediately. Prolonging will only decrease the likelihood that you will do this. What better time than now to focus on your relationship? Share daily with others, whether it Facebook or just a conversation with a friend. Sharing will also add to your commitment. Share how you loved your spouse that day. Inspire others to share their love. Rather than posting a picture of you and your spouse at your happiest moments, build happier ones. Build your relationship with your spouse. Best wishes!

Our children are not bad, brats or spoiled. At least that is not why they act out. Some of what your child does is developmental and some has to do with their basic emotional needs not being met. When children act out, demand, tantrum, whine, hit, bite, etc.…this behavior should be a warning that signals to us parents/caregivers that this child needs something. No…it is not a slap or spanking. I say that because this is some of the advice I have heard given to myself and others. I don’t believe spanking is the answer. Kids learn EVERYTHING they see us do or hear us say. They watch our every move. If we hit, doesn’t this give them the idea that they can hit too? Depending on the age, young children developmentally are unable to comprehend the difference between what Mommy and Daddy say versus what they do. They see or hear you, in their minds it is part of what people do. They are people too. Which brings me to my next point…children are people. We must treat them as such. So, I believe the answer to dealing with these challenging behaviors is to treat them with same kindness you would one of your friends. Would you yell at your friend for not sitting at the dinner table? Absolutely not! You would say in your kindest of voices, “In our home we all sit in our chairs at the table, I would love for you to join all of us in doing so.” Of course your child is not your friend and they will most likely not respond in kind as a friend would, but you can still state your boundaries in a calm and firm voice. “I hear you that you do not want to sit and you may stand once dinner is finished. Right now we are eating dinner and we will be sitting together.” You can calmly hold that boundary by guiding a young child to the table or to sit, or staying close to an older child until they are able to follow the house rules. Another way to handle these situations is to walk yourself through a needs assessment of your child. Does your child need more… Certainty, a sense of safety or security? Variety, excitement or surprise? Significance or that she matters? Love and connection? Opportunities to grow on her own or with you? Opportunities to contribute around the home, in the family or even with others? During my training, I have come to learn that these six basic emotional needs exists for all humans and you can use these as a way of improving any relationship. For the sake of staying focused on parenting, take a moment and think about what your child needs. Remember, her behavior is a signal that something is missing. What is that based on these 6 needs? Small children are not always able to communicate what they need, so as a parent you have to observe often and make decisions for her life. Maybe you have been going out every day or have been busy with errands and activities. This may be too much variety and excitement and your child may need more certainty. Staying close to home and keeping things low key can help. More hugs and cuddles or light wrestling may be needed to help your child feel fully loved and connected. Or maybe it is doing an art project or baking together as a way to grow and contribute. There are unlimited possibilities for meeting these needs when you begin to sit and think about them. Start by making a list of ways in which you might meet that need for your child. Is that what you think he needs or what he would really want based on how you have come to understand your child? Keep adding/editing the list so that when you are making the assessment you easily can access these ideas in your mind. Children are not bad, their behavior may be bad at times but that should not define your child. Honor your child’s right to be treated with love and respect by regularly doing a needs assessment and helping them to feel fulfilled. Your child’s behavior will start to shift but more importantly your meaning to the behavior, which will ultimately shift the way your respond—with kindness and love. Imagine the kind of person you will be creating to contribute to our world. It makes me smile. Best wishes!

Finding compassion for our children when they are whining, having a tantrum, hitting, biting, demanding…can be difficult to say the least. But what if you had a tool that would help you to get to this place of compassion when it is most needed? A tool that would help you to respond versus react to your child. That would maintain the attachment and connection with your child. That would help you to feel confident and authentic in your role as a parent. Does this interest you? Let’s look at some reasons why children go to this place that can drive a parent mad. They may be tired, hungry, needing attention, love or connection. Maybe they are overwhelmed by the business and the “too much” of everything that goes on throughout their days. This just gives you some ideas about what might be happening. If they could fully understand and explain to us, life with them may be easier, but since they can’t, we have to figure it out and help them with it. But when you are frustrated and at the end of your rope, this can be challenging. I have a strategy to help you with this. What I am about to share was developed by Kim John Payne the founder of Simplicity Parenting (SP). It is useful in helping you to see your child in their best self. See, when they are whining, having a tantrum…in their worst self (what SP calls a “soul fever”), we can be reactive and parent in ways that we regret. Have you ever found yourself saying, “I sound just like my ___ (my mom/dad)?” Parents often want to take the good from what they received from their parents but in these difficult times, it is likely that you respond in ways that you don’t want to. The Compassionate Response Exercise (CRE) is a tool to help you find your authentic voice as a parent and respond from that place. You will respond in your best self. Sound good? Watch today's, (I recorded this back in 2014 in my therapy practice), where I guide you through the CRE. Practice this daily so that in a challenging moments you can easily access this image of your child. Having issues with someone at work, your spouse, a friend, etc.….you can use this as a tool to improve your response in those situations as well. Best wishes!

I was trying. I really was. In my mind I wanted to complete the task but there was another part of me that was sending all kinds of defeating messages. “This is too hard. This is crazy. How did I get myself into this? What if I can’t do it? Maybe I should just give up now.” If I continued to think this way, I would never have been successful at what I was trying to accomplish. How often have you done this to yourself, too? It is a trap you push yourself into. Yes, you. You send messages to yourself that try to defeat you. Often this is out of a fear. Fear you are not good enough. Fear that you will fail. Fear that you will be unloved/unaccepted. Limiting beliefs can bring us down and in need of support, guidance and encouragement. (See more on limiting beliefs here). I did end up accomplishing the task at hand. There are a number of strategies I could have used to do it. What happened for me that day is that I was coached--by my husband. Yep, my husband supported, guided and encouraged me the entire time we biked up that path. We all need a coach in our lives at some point. Maybe it is a professional coach but maybe it is a friend, a mentor, a trusted provider or a book. Whomever or whatever it is that you choose, the foremost important thing is that you first make a decision that you want to accomplish something and establish your desired outcome. Getting clear about what you want is essential and without it you will waffle in your decisions. Is it a better relationship with your spouse/partner/child? Is it to get a better handle on your child's behavior? Is it a more balanced and healthy family life? You decide that it is time for a change. Once you have established what you desire, determine how you will get there. You need a plan in place to reach your destination. Would you drive across country without a road map (or your navigator set up)? Most likely not. You want to have direction so that you can stay on your path and reach your destination. Begin now by writing down the very specific things you will need to do as part of your plan. Do it now! Remember, it is important to start taking action immediately so that you don’t lose the motivation. Once you have the specific actions cleared up, look over these actions and decide what you need help with. Who could you enlist to help you accomplish what you desire? Do you need to learn something new? From who or what? Is it a book or a program? Does it mean taking a class or talking with someone who has accomplished or has what you want? Do you need to make an investment? How will you do this and will you need help? These are the types of questions you can ask yourself to help determine the kind of support you need. There are so many ways to look at support and get it, and you must be willing to reach out for it and to accept it when it is given. Once you determine the kind of support that best meets your need, take the initiative to get it and set yourself up to achieve what it is you desire. Sometimes support just comes to us when we don’t even ask for it, like when I was biking up the path and I could hear my husband speaking to me. Accepting his support allowed me to defeat my limiting beliefs and accomplish what I set out to do that morning. I can assure you that it felt great in the end. Best wishes!